Father and son

[broodynmoody]

Hello

My partner sepereated from his ex girlfriend when he's son was only a few month old. It was a mutual decision as they weren't getting along. My partner has always said how he always wanted a boy and was chuffed stiff when she said they were having a boy though he said he wasn't happy at her being pregnant. Now when we're in the middle of trying to conceive our own child, he's non stop talking about how he's going to go football and boxing with his son when he gets older (he's currently 2). Its made me feel really really low. I feel like he already has his boy he's not bothered about us having a child. He of course says he does but hes actions say different. I feel hurt and angry that he will be doing all the father son things with another womans child whom hes never lived with. I feel second best and my child will be. Anyone had this?

[WaitingForMe]

How does settled mean 100% confident? I simply mean we'd got into some kind of routine just as you settle into a new house or a new a school.

[robotroy]

Wanton what a nice mum you are. Made me smile a lot.

Generally not sure what the heck settled is as any kind of parent, any parent who says they feel 100% confident 100% of the time is a dreadful fibber! In fact why would this entire website be needed........................

[wheresthelight]

Settled as a stepmum ffs I am not settles as mum let alone stepmum.

Passes waiting a grip

[brdgrl]

Waiting, I don't completely disagree - but unless I missed it, I don't see where the OP indicates she is 'unsettled' as a stepmum.
On the other hand, after six years, I am not sure I would describe myself as "settled as a stepmum" - I'm not really sure what you mean by it, maybe - and yet waiting for or not having DD would never be/have been an option.

[WaitingForMe]

For heavens sake I've experienced as much jealousy as the next person but I truly believe it was the right thing to figure stuff out before TTC. It felt as though we waited forever to try while my stepkids were settled and I found that really hard.

But being settled as a stepmum before adding another child was the best way to go. Now I'm not even saying that OP ought to be an involved stepmum, simply that unless she can make peace with the idea that her PFB won't be her partners PFB, she's likely to have a harder time of things. Especially if she has a particularly emotional pregnancy.

[WantonMother]

Sorry that was so looong!!!

[WantonMother]

Hi broodynmoody

You've been very honest on here and it's really good that you are examining your feelings about it all. I'm not a step parent, but my exp and father to my DS has gone on to have two more DC with his (now) wife and so I have experience from the that side. I also am now married and have two more DCs with my DH.

Firstly, don't feel guilty about these feelings of jealousy, emotions are irrational and you're not exactly in control of them! Does your DP have regular contact with his DS at the moment and do you? I ask as there was a period of time when I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of my son spending time with his dad and his new partners (that makes him sound bad but he actually settled after only a short period of dating and maybe two Gfs!) But in the early days I had to swallow those feeing until contact was established and I realised that exp and his GF were nice people and that their relationship with our son didn't threaten mine and enriched all of our lives. Basically, I got used to the idea and began to appreciate the happiness it brought to my son and was glad of their relationship. It might take a while for you to reach that point but considering your DP wants a relationship with his DS I would say it's a point you need to aim for. There should be no reason why you aren't in the park kicking the ball around with the both of them! FWIW, my DS's (half, although we don't tend to use the half bit) brothers on his dads side adore him and he dotes on them back. It's really wonderful to see and gives me a really warm feeling when we meet up

Now from my point of view, as someone who has had more children with someone who hasn't already got any, doing it again but this time with someone who is right for me made the experience so much richer. I'm sure your DP is really looking forward to this chapter in your lives otherwise you wouldn't be ttc. Things were calmer, I wasn't resentful or stressed and could really look forward to it all. The experience and wonder of it all was different with every child I've had and the fact that I'd "been there, done that" never caused tension between my DH and me. Watching my wonderful DH become a parent, and becoming a parent again with him to OUR child was amazing. I also really loved watching my DS form close bonds with his younger siblings. It would be a shame for all if these feelings (whilst understandable) coloured the situation for you all.

Give yourself some time, spend some time with your Dp and his DS (your DSS). Hth x

[brdgrl]

Seriously ladies it's the step parents who DON'T talk you need to worry about
Very true!

Maybe he can't picture another child yet until the baby is actually here if that makes sense.
Yes, I think that makes sense...I mean, I don't think a man who doesn't want kids automatically overcomes that when he's holding a baby in his arms, but a man who does can still have trouble feeling that it is "real" until it is in the world.

My DH didn't really even want to TTC. Well, that's putting it badly - we wouldn't have TTC together if he really didn't want to - but it is accurate to say that it was an idea he 'came around to' after some initial doubt - he's older, and had (pretty reasonably) assumed before he met me that he was done with the 'having kids' thing...his older ones were pre-teens already, and he'd say that he was looking towards the light at the end of the tunnel, not jumping back in to baby care, sleepless nights, and 18 more years of hands-on parenting! But he's a complete sap when it comes to DD. No question in my mind that he now would say she was the best thing to ever happen to him, not because he loves his older kids any less - at all - but because he feels that she brought them all a bit of happiness which they really needed. So he loves DD for herself, but also for what she's given him and his other children.

[Standinginline]

Some men are of the mindset that until they hold that baby in their arms they don't feel any bond there ,whereas us women feel it as soon as we find out. Maybe he can't picture another child yet until the baby is actually here if that makes sense. When I was pregnant with my second ,I really couldn't fathom out how I was meant to feel the same for this child BUT I can honestly say now I love both my children equally. Oh and of you're worried about having a girl and that he won't be as interested that won't happen. I have always wanted boys but my second is a girl.

[robotroy]

Stepmum bingo though, I'm holding my sides. I'm new here clearly but I take it this happens a lot.

Honestly do we need any more proof what a thankless thing step parenting is, when folks care enough to chat something through to try to be the best step parent they can be get nothing but 'you should be grateful you have a stepchild, voicing a single parental fear must mean you despise them'.

Seriously ladies it's the step parents who DON'T talk you need to worry about

[wheresthelight]

Definitely brdgrl!!!

[robotroy]

'Reading that again, I think it's possible too that your DH might be afraid (irrationally, again, perhaps, and maybe not even consciously!) of what will happen with the child you are TTC. He has already missed out on a lot with his older child, and it would be understandable if having a child with you made him feel quite vulnerable - some part of him might need reassurance that he WILL be able to do all these things he is talking about, with your child. That might be why he is talking about going to ball games etc now - it seems insensitive to your feelings, but maybe in a way it is him asking for reassurance just like you need yourself - am I making any sense here?'

Yes, loads

[brdgrl]

Air con and drinks.

[brdgrl]

*He will be excited, remember he told you he wasn't even happy about the last lady being pregnant yet he's still excited about his boy.

OP, remember too, kinda like robotroy suggests - it will be very different (as in, so much better!) for your DH, not just having a child, but having a child within a loving relationship and being able to really be a full part of that experience and just enjoying it.

My DH was very happy with the mother of his children, and even so, he has said (and I believe him) that he enjoyed the early days more with DD, simply because of where he was in his own life and that he felt more able to relax and enjoy new fatherhood this time around.

Now when we're in the middle of trying to conceive our own child, he's non stop talking about how he's going to go football and boxing with his son when he gets older (he's currently 2).
Reading that again, I think it's possible too that your DH might be afraid (irrationally, again, perhaps, and maybe not even consciously!) of what will happen with the child you are TTC. He has already missed out on a lot with his older child, and it would be understandable if having a child with you made him feel quite vulnerable - some part of him might need reassurance that he WILL be able to do all these things he is talking about, with your child. That might be why he is talking about going to ball games etc now - it seems insensitive to your feelings, but maybe in a way it is him asking for reassurance just like you need yourself - am I making any sense here?

[wheresthelight]

Only if it's got air con in this heat

[brdgrl]

wouldn't it be nice to play it all together in a proper bingo hall environment?

[wheresthelight]

I know!! Was reading the new posts then the baby wanted a feed... D'oh! Thinking need to enjoy the bingo in the garden with a few

[brdgrl]

:) wheres !

[robotroy]

I can kind of see this. For the first few years I used to feel upset sometimes, a kind of jealousy about the fact I wouldn't even have my own child with my OH. Once he wistfully told me about when his child was born and how he'd never seen anyone be as brave as his ex and so beautiful, and it was like a shard of ice through my heart knowing he would never see me in that way. A kind of hormonal driven instinct even whispered in the back of my head maybe I should have a child with him.... even though I've never wanted to raise a baby. I agree with other people you should tell him when you feel things like this, just tell him you're not looking for a mystical solution they're normal worries all new parents have worries, just so that he can give you a little reassurance and a big cuddle.

He will be excited, remember he told you he wasn't even happy about the last lady being pregnant yet he's still excited about his boy. I would feel a little concern about his lack of playing with him as a young lad, maybe you could point out to him the myriad of amazing boy toys he can play with, and that he can get him to do his first football kicks. I think men are sometimes still embarrassed to play, and society still completely says that only mums can be nurturing or its creepy so sometimes they need a gentle push in the right direction.

At 2 you're at early doors with your SS, I think love will grow in your family and especially as you see him loving his brother and playing with him. I always think my man would have been an amazing man to have a child with as he is a calm expert and so I think you'll benefit from that, he is amazing with friends kids it's very cute.

I know its an irrational feeling but feelings can be. I feel sad that my SD doesn't live with her mum and her dad. I worry from the other side, that when my SD's mum has another child with her new man maybe our daughter will get pushed out and made to feel second best. Your SS's mum and maybe even dad will have the same worries so I agree with others don't be that woman. My OH wouldn't even discuss if we would choose to have kids together until he was happy my SD was happy and settled so be maybe your OH worries about that too. Talking always helps if you make it clear you realise your thoughts are probably silly and you really just want a hug.

[wheresthelight]

Ohh cross posts with brdgrl - should probably have refreshed

[wheresthelight]

Ohhh stepmum bingo in full swing!!!

Ffs rtft without your own twisted agendas

[brdgrl]

I think the last two comments are spectacularly unhelpful and completely miss the mark. The OP has said absolutely nothing indicating that she feels resentment towards the DSS, NOTHING, and she certainly has said nothing about the children not being siblings

(although they will be half-siblings and if she chooses to use that term because it is appropriate and works for her family, I can't see why that should be a problem; my DH is loving and very very close to the brothers he calls his half-siblings - the "half-ness" is nothing to be ashamed of or hide!)

OP is being honest about very normal and common worries about her DH's feelings towards her child - this isn't even about her feelings towards his son. She could love the bones off the other child (not that she is required to) and still have this worry.

Don't be jerks, eh?

[Branleuse]

i dont think youre in the right place to be ttc with someone who already has a child. You already resent his other little boy. Dont be THAT woman

[WaitingForMe]

Please stop trying for a baby while you feel like this.

My DS was DH's third child and there are so many bonuses such as my son having adoring big brothers. My DH put it beautifully when he said he had done the baby thing before but had never done it with me. He enjoyed it more with me as we were very much in love and I involved him (his ex was quite a cold person apparently).

I think unless you can see a partners existing children as your child's siblings, you're probably not in the right relationship to have a child.

[wheresthelight]

I had a similar conversation with my dp too brdgrl! He wasn't so good at not doing the "Ohh I remember when exw was pregnant with dss and x happened and we had to do y" but he was brilliant at reassuring me when I would freak out because bump hadn't moved for half an hour or because dd had a slight rash after a warm bath etc. Him knowing what needed doing and having done it before was a godsend when it came to me panicking over every daft thing a first time mum panics over.

And for anyone telling you that baby isn't a pfb because dp has kids can jump off a bridge. It will be your pfb and it will be his pfb with you and you are allowed to feel the things a first time parent feels!! It is all natural.

My one warning if you do carry on ttc and finallybget pregnant would be to make sure his kids are told by you and involve them as it will help reduce any potential for resentment. and if you need to cancel contact because you have a newborn then do it but make sure you discuss ot with his older kids and explain how hard it is and that they can come in the day but if it is ok would they mind sleeping at mummy's or even at grandparents if they are local. We arranged for dsc's to stay with dp's parents who they adore after dd was born but unfortunately mil was diagnosed with terminal cancer the day I gave birth so they couldn't. We had to cancel one contact weekend as dd was 11 days old, dp had been called back into work as a business critical project was about to go tits up and there was no way I could cope on my own!! We did then have them for a full week when dd was 3 weeks old so they didn't miss out!