19yr old step mum

[miahend95]

Firstly I have to apologise because im new to this, and after much debate ive decided to ask for some advice as I know no one in my situation!
So im with my boyfriend who ive been with for about 9 months, he's 26 so a few years older than me (19) ever since we started talking I had known he had a daughter and I was fine with it, he had her at 21 with his ex and they do not get on at all despite being together for 4 years they split up when he was 22 (I think).
Anyway, I met his daughter for the first time after we'd been together for about 3-4 months and everything was fine.. he sees her twice a week so I normally see her once so he has some time alone with her.
All of a sudden I started getting feeelings of jealousy of their relationship which I tried to ignore, all I think is, I shouldn't be going through this at 19 even though me and his daughter get on well, I get angry at him for already having a child?!? I wish (as bad as this sounds) that it was just us two and I get upset that it wont be his first baby if we chose to have one. I won't be able to give him that experience of a first child and not knowing what to do together! I dont know if this is what I want at 19! Being a step mum to a four year old is hard.. I feel like his parents wouldnt love our children aas much as they love her. I just need to advise, I love my boyfriend and ive never felt so happy in a relationship but everytime I think about being a step mum I get so upset. .
Thank you in anticipation :) xx

At 19 you have your whole life ahead if you, being a sm is the hardest thing ever and it doesn't always get easier. If I were you I would walk away op.

I think everyone at some point has felt a bit like this. It's a really tough road and I'm 32! Not being at all patronising but it doesn't get any easier as they get older and when you want your own kids it's a whole new ball game.

You know how u feel about him but in hindsight I'm not sure I would have taken on what I have and definitely not when I was 19

Walk away OP.
When I was your age I had a bf who often looked after his sister at the weekends- overseas family/ boarding school.
The feelings of jealousy you describe and irritation at having to accommodate someone else in the relationship made me vow never to date someone with their own child.

Walk away OP. At 19 you shouldn't have to accommodate other people's family set up. Now is the time to be selfish, carve out a life you want. At this stage of your life you shouldn't have to compromise. All these feelings are telling you that you aren't in the right situation, listen to your gut instinct go out and live your life.

You will never be number one to this man and nor should you. He has his responsibilities. Being a step mum means putting yourself behind the needs of others and believe me it won't get easier, you may find a way to cope but it makes me sad that at 19 you would have to develop this way of thinking.

Do you have an ambitions in life? What career path have you chosen? There is much more to life than jumping into this situation.

You are 19, so young to deal with this.

But you have to work through your feelings and come to terms with the situation if your relationship is to continue. It can be done, though, so don't "walk away" just yet.

I think stepmums of all ages can experience these feelings, OP - in fact, I would really advise you to start by reading through the existing threads on this board; the feelings you describe about "him having done it all before" are common and are posted about pretty regularly.

Reading threads here will also show you the range of problems stepmums face. Of course there are lovely parts too, and people mostly post about the challenges, not the successes - but it is a very hard road even for women with experience of their own kids/more years of relationship experience/more settled in their lives and careers/more financially independent than you may feel at 19. I started as a stepmum at 37, and with a fair amount of experience with kids (not as a mum yet though), and I shudder to think of all I would have missed out on if I'd done this at 19. Everyone is different, though!

You don't have to love his kid, although there is a good chance, with a four-year-old, that you may come to do so. Consider that too - if the relationship ends, and you have come to have feelings for the child, you and she will both have that additional loss to face as well.

(Dunno where this crap about "usurping" the child comes from, but if you do stay, you will learn to ignore "advice" like that. First lesson!)

I dont think it has to be as black and white as "be a fully committed stepmum at 19" or "walk away"

You are 19- no-one needs to be making such massive decisions at that age.

How about just carry on as his girlfriend, see his daughter every now and again, dont rush to move in, get engaged, have babies etc. just date him, enjoy the relationship and after a year or two you are sure he is the one then see how you feel about being a step parent then. Your feelings may change all by themselves without you giving it much thought. You have only been with him 9 months, that's not a long time. And you've known his dd even less time. I think slow down and just enjoy dating someone. The rest comes later. You may realise in a few months he isnt for you anyway.

Its really hard work this step parenting lark and often not much fun.However some partners are worth all the difficulties that come with step parenting, my DH is worth all the sacrifices ive had to make in order to share my life with him. Only you know if your DP is worth it or not. Be kind to yourself and come here for support if and when you need it.

I'm a young step mum with an older partner. He has 3 dds. I'm 24 weeks pregnant with our son, my first.

One of them lives with us and I've ended up taking on a mother type role, so I wouldn't say your age is a barrier to being a step mum. Your personality, goals, current wants and lifestyle are all more important factors in my opinion.

When I first came into their lives I was genuinely just one of Daddies friends, so they had met me a few times before we got together. He had them all eow then and I usually spent one day of the weekend with them and eventually this became the whole weekend shortly before we moved in together. Dsd 3 moved in shortly afterwards and we took on a normal family set up. All 5 of us get on brilliantly, the kids have all been 100% accepting and I feel like I'm just as much a member of the family as anyone else. It isn't always easy, sometimes I just want alone time with dp and just can't have it with dsd living with us, but we work around it and it's worth it because to me I'm not just with dp, I've joined a family and I want to be part of the kids lives as much as I want him. The kids aren't always easy, what kids are, but the good massively out ways the bad.
Initially there were times when I felt a teeny bit jealous but it went away. My dp doesn't push me out and neither do the kids which makes a massive difference, if your dp and dsd end up leaving you like a gooseberry then it would be normal to feel like you do and maybe have a chat with him about it. I'd think about cutting down the time you see him when she's there to half a day once a week or one day every other week and ask dp if you can try and spend that day as quality time for the 3 of you, where you are 100% Involved. If you enjoy that then keep at it for now and see how things go, if it's too much for you then hang back a bit and maybe just see her for a little bit once a fortnight.
Whatever you do, do not try and carry on the relationship pretending she just isn't there, that would not be beneficial if you want a long term relationship, she is forever part of him. His parenting style also makes a difference, if you disagree with it you will spend the whole relationship getting annoyed and if you were to say something he may not want to listen.

Now I am able to have this family life because they're all so easy going and including, and because I've always been the family/ maternal type. I don't feel like I'm giving up my life for them, I feel like I'm gaining something in my life. I'm not fussed about travelling or going on nights out with dp etc. If you still want to be doing those things with your dp then this relationship may not work, you need to consider whether or not it is right for you at this point in your life. Some people just want a nuclear family with only kids of their own with 1 partner, if you feel you would be sacrificing that want and that you'd regret that then don't get in too deep.

Also don't forget that how you feel may change, you may feel like you can't handle it now but in a year when you've fallen deeper in love with him and gotten to know your dsd better, you may feel like actually this is perfect for you, you just had to get used to it and rearrange priorities.

As I said I'm pregnant with my first and it has at times bothered me that it's not his first too because he's a different kind of excited. But then it's his first boy and his experience will be helpful for me if I struggle with anything. He is also happier to go with some of my preferences for things because he knows he's had the opportunity to choose before which prevents arguments. I'm so excited to add to our family :)

You need to remember that this is not going to be 100% easy, even if you and your dsd have the best possible relationship and everything between the 3 of you ends up amazing, there will always be an ex in your life who may or may not make things hard (the biggest problem for many of us), and you have to decide if your dp is amazing enough to be worth it.
You also need to think about whether or not your be happier with someone you could be 'free' with.

I think you could either be really happy In the long term or you could end up very unhappy. Just don't give up until you've really considered the options.

Everyone told me to walk away. Meeting someone with two young children. I wish i did but im 25 all my friends are settling down with houses and children. I have my own house now so i just grin and bear it cos i think at 25 most men will have children. But at 19 they don't. My advice is go out and find someone without children like i said itd be easier for someone who is young. As for not experiencing the first child it is sad. Him doing stuff with his children first angers me to no point but then hes only seen them part time since very young so hes missed out on a lot with them. When we have one he'll be a proper full tine father rather than having kids four nights a month. Its a huge difference you know. Only u can decide.

Broody 25 is also very young. Don't settle. You sound sad.

I'm 21 and got married to my STBXH at 19.

My STBHX had a DD (now 4) who clearly has behavioural issues. I've known her since she was nearly 1.

She's been absolutely ruined and spoiled by her Disney mum and Disney dad. There is no discipline an she takes the absolute proverbial biscuit with he dad. Every little thing will kick a tantrum off.

Things like who pours her breakfast cereal out, which strap you fasten first on her shoes. It really is that ridiculously petty but it is a huge deal to her. It's for attention so I ignore it but her dad panders to her like the bug fat fanny he is.

She was physically abusive to me, STBXH and my DD (1). Everyone has said its just a phase but its lasted for over two years so far!

We wet having her 3 nights a week and travelling several times a week ferrying her about because her mother refused to drive as she doesn't have a job!
As well as this, we paid £40 maintainence INCLUDING weeks when she's was here in the holidays. (Last year she was here for over 5 weeks of the summer holidays when we worked it out.) she has new clothes bought for her as her mum often sends her in t shirts which are too tight, trousers which don't fasten and shoes that don't fit.

I was sick of looking after her all of the time she was here and getting no thanks for it and being demeaned and undermined. There's the little madam attitude as well. Grrrrrrr

It's tough and you have to tow the line regarding a lot of things. I couldn't. That's why I'm getting a divorce currently!

rounded, do you mean £40 a week in maintenance?

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic (believe me, I really don't and I maybe your frustration is really with the parents here) - but what you describe isn't that unusual for a 4 year old. For whatever reason, things like who pours cereal/where they sit/what spoon they use - these are massive issues with kids that age.
We have a pretty decent system of discipline with DD, using timeouts mainly, but there almost isn't any point in disciplining a kid over those sort of things; it's part of being a three/four year-old. You have to manage the behaviour, of course, and maybe her parents aren't doing that, which must be very frustrating.
Sorry, I know there may be lots more to it, but I just don't think you are describing a kid with behavioral issues, just behaviours.

That is the tip of the iceberg! Believe me.

Today I have learned that she pushed her cousin off a wall and split his head open. She's thrown my daughter down the stairs her playgroup excluded her for violent behaviour!

No that is not normal for a four year old. And yes £40 per week which was a lot of money to us even though we had her 3 nights a week any way and did all if the running around

Seriouslyffs. I am settling im afraid. I do love my dp but i do hate the situation. I just think i could go out and it could take me god knows how long to find someone and if i did they'd too would most likely have children but have a crazy ex. Luckily our bm is alright. Im pulling through. As long as i have my own family and someone who loves my children i can just try and block out the rest and plod on.

I met my DH when was I 16, DSD was 2 then. Honestly unless you're in too deep already, I would walk away. If I had my time again I would. You're so young, and to be tied down in a serious relationship at your age, especially with someone with a child is so hard. It gets harder and harder as the years go on. It's not easy, at all.

My DSD is 22 now, and we have a fantastic relationship. But the years and years of abuse and crap we had from her mother, the problems with contact. Then when we got custody the refusal from her mother to bring her back, it was so hard and so stressful. It took it's toll on both my relationship with DH and my mental health. It's very hard to parent a child when you're so young yourself. DSD started going through her rebellious streak when she turned 13, it's quite hard to parent a teenager when you're only in your twenties!

Broody most men do not have children at 25. I don't mean to sound patronising truly but you are still so young. There's no need to settle.

And OP. If you can't handle him having a daughter then I would walk away. You are very young. If you decide to stay with him then you have to accept his daughter will be part of your life.