WTF is happening to me!!??

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I have been with DP for 2.5 years and lived with him and his kids for 7 months now.

He has informal joint custody so has the kids 7 nights out of 14 and it works well.

My problem is I feel like I am starting to resent the kids.

I can't even say it's anything the have done because it's not. I love them very much.

I just feel like when they are here I walk on whgshells. If I say anything DP tells me I have gone to far or I get glared at. I also get endless back chat from the kids.

I feel like I am always on at the kids to wash their hands after the loo and dft things like taking their clothes upstairs not leaving stuff at their backsides.

DP reckons I need to stop as it's not my job. I know it's not my job but he doesn't do it!! He isn't a Disney dad but he just doesn't get why certain things bother me.

I really don't know what to do or how to change my feelings. I love DP so much and don't want anyone else. I love his kids as much as possible but they are not mine and I think DP forgets this.

Be grateful I any advice.

Xx

Stop doing it and see how quickly he gets pissed off by the mess?

Sorry I have similar issues and have no idea! I nag the kids constantly (well feels like it) aboit same stuff although my dp does back me up

Talk to him is my best suggestion. Hopefully someone like with better advice!

Not get me wrong he backs me up but he says I go on at them too much. But if he did the naggin dad act I wouldn't have too!

I just feel like I have an unhealthy resentment towards them. It's not even their fault! I feel like a horrible persons.

I have tried talkig to him to tell him how I feel and he just shuts down puts his guard up. You would think I was attacking him or saying nasty things about his children. He goes straight to defensive mode rather than listening and hearing me out and try to help resolve the issues. Ooh I dunno I'm at my wits end!! Xx

I'm not surprised you're feeling resentful about the situation because your defensive DP is basically preventing you from being the disciplined adult it's quite natural to want to be in your own home when you're raising kids. And not surprisingly, if the pair of you are at odds with each other - the kids are picking up on this hence the backchat, as they can see you're not presenting a united front.

Sorry if this is teaching you to suck eggs but you really have to thrash this out with him before it gets worse (and it will do, if he's not backing you up and/or undermining you - "glaring" at you, presumably in front of them, is very wrong). The pair of you need to agree what is and isn't acceptable behaviour, what the house "rules" are, what appropriate consequences for bad behaviour should be and so on. That may take quite a bit of time - and you probably won't cover every possibility - and you may have to compromise over some things, as may he - but the important thing is that at the end of the day you have a reasonably solid idea of how things should be.

That'll obviously benefit the kids too as they'll respond better to firm boundaries rather than one adult being the baddie and the other the goodie. And he must never undermine you in front of the kids - it's natural you'll disagree from time to time, but he must speak to you in private about anything he feels strongly about and mustn't show the kids he's unhappy.

I think this is a DP problem (as so many are) rather than a kid problem.

Thank you so much. It's not teaching to sick eggs as I am new to this really.

I think I am getting frustrated at DP and at the kids and then I get annoyed at myself for letting it all bother me so much!!

I agree me and DP need to thrash this out. There I a horrible tension and we have never been like this. So I want it sorted to go back to how we were when everyone was flipping happy haha.

Xx

Always - my dp has been like this until very recently (like the last month) it is frustrating and tbh it's more likely that you are frustrated with your dp but projecting it onto kids because you can't have the arguement with dp

Either sit him down and thrash it out or maybe suggest counselling so you have a third independent person to mediate and point out that actually your songs being a twat or to tell you that he has a point if they feel that he does?

I've never been a fan of counselling - it doesn't appeal to me. But generally me an DP get on and we both feel the same about discipline etc - he just thinks I go a bit far as I am always on at the kids to do this or that. I've told him we need to talk about stuff because I don't feel comfortable in my own home. He told me not to be ridiculous but we will have a chat tonight and clear the air. Hopefully that will work. I don't really know what else we can do. It's just been a recent thing. There has been a lot going on in our lives of late think we just need to take a step back and see the bigger picture.

Thanks xxx

Of course you are frustrated! It is your home. And it sounds like he only feels it is "not your job" when it comes to the unpleasant realities...does he feel it is "not your job" when meals need sorting out? When kids need entertaining? Is it "nothing to do with you" when you are giving up space in your home, money from your household, time from your life, affection? It is a horrible position to be expected to care for children in your home and simultaneously be told that you have no authority over them. No one would expect it of a babysitter or an adult relative, frankly.

Those kids are there half the time. It is ridiculous to expect you to treat them like house-guests. Either you are an authority figure to them, or you aren't. And if you aren't, then what are you doing there?

Catsmother has it spot-on, and I agree - if not sorted, you are in for a miserable time.