Coping with comparisons between own kids and dsd?

[Elizabeth120914]

Just wonder how others find this topic..

Was at dinner tonight and OH starts talking about who dsd looks like (carbon copy of mother nothing like oh or his family) and then about how she's got traits like her mother etc.

I'm biting my lip at this point don't like thinking about her I can Seperate her from dsd in my mind quite happily.. Dsds behaviour, manners and many other atributes leave much to be desired but her mother is at home on any episode of benefits street and makes my skin crawl..! They weren't in a relationship when she was born or during the pregnancy and contact with dsd didn't appear till she was 5...

He then starts going on about how our baby due in September might be similar .. Well I felt like I had been stabbed. The idea of ex in a sentence with my baby made me feel horrible. Didn't say anything but still stewing now.

Pointless maybe just wondered if this is a normal reaction? How do U manage with these sorts of comparisons the dsd thing il have to suck up but the connection to HER is ewwww !

I totally agree with needaholiday

Also on the point of not replicating mistakes decisions the dsc's mum made. I reckon just put your foot down. But also you will likely find you are SO different the same issues / choices don't even come up.

You lot sound really weird, sorry. I have dd with ex dh and then the boys with new dh. It didn't occur to me not to compare dd as a baby with ds etc. your poor partners being deprived of the fun of little comparisons and similarities. You did know they already had children I take it?

Who kids look like is totally subjective. Different people see different things - so if you think your dsd looks like her mum, someone else is bound to see their dad in them. My 3 ds look very alike - but half my friends say they look like me, and half my dh. And who says what changes all the time.

You are hugely overthinking this and like it or not, your dc will be related closely to your dsd. So people are bound to see similarities. It is ridiculous to say she is the spit of your dp's ex and thus couldn't possibly resemble your biological child. Let other people make their own judgements, I am sure they won't all be the same as yours.

You are wrong Partridge. Sometimes a child looks exactly like one parent.

Bollocks. They have 50/50 DNA so will inherit features from both parents. I have seen many, many children. I also have one who most people say is the spitting image of me. Plenty of people have also said he is the spitting image of his dad.

That is so ridiculously simplistic. It is subjective.

I disagree, but anyway - how are you helping the OP with her original question / post?

I am suggesting she is overthinking it. And that if people say that her dd looks like her dsd then they are probably seeing her dh features in both of them and not the ex-p features in her new baby. It seems kind of obvious to me.

rosepetal, we are helping because we are objective and can see a wider picture - sometimes the perspective of someone in the middle of a situation is completely different to the sane people on the outside of it.

And Needaholiday to say your sons don't have a sister is just shitty, your poor dp needing to seperate his kids off like that. You knew what you were getting involved in when you got with your dh, how would you feel if he seperated from you and his next partner felt that way about your dc?

This is why I'll never be a step parent, I can't trust that I wouldn't become this fucking toxic.

This thread is weird

Did none of you realise your dcs fathers already had children?

Some pretty nasty attitudes. Nice.

Phew... Glad it's not just me. Those poor step kids...

People really do see different things in children. DH and I disagree about which of his DC look like him more and which look like their DM. I just can't see either of them in DSD2 tbh - though I don't doubt she's their DD, and can see personality traits from DH. But my DM commented on how alike DSD1 and DSD2 look these days - which I can't see at all!

And strangers who don't understand our family set up have commonly failed to identify which of our combined children are mine and which are DHs (we don't have any that are joint) - claiming they can see a resemblance between me and some of the DSC, or between my DD and DSD2. People see (and invent!) all sorts of resemblances, possibly a mixture of both looks and mannerisms. I don't think it's usually meant to hurt, and it's hard to say that you're right and they're wrong about who people look like.