Questions over teenage step son and discipline

[missmargot]

DH and I have always believed that, within reason, any bad behaviour that occurs at DSS's mother's house is dealt with by her and she decides on any suitable punishment. Of course we support in terms of discussing bad behaviours, supporting her stance etc but we don't believe in punishing him twice for something by implementing our own punishment when he arrives here. Likewise, if he misbehaves with us we deal with it here.

DSS is coming here tonight unexpectedly as he has behaved badly and his mother apparently can't cope with seeing him. In the past the threat of our house has been used to punish him, i.e. 'If you do X again you will have to go and live with your Dad'. Now DSS is older he shrugs that off, secretly I think he'd quite like to come and live here but doesn't want to upset his mother.

We don't think the behaviour was anything worse than your usual teenage minor misdemeanour and we also think she doesn't give him enough freedom, but the principle is that he disobeyed his mother and lied to her. We do not share our views on his mother's rules and punishments with DSS, we always try to present a united front.

What DH and I can't decide on is how we deal with DSS tonight. DH is going to talk to him about his behaviour and he knows that DH is cross with him. Do we go further and take away his iPad and mobile for the evening, stop him watching tv or just treat it like a normal evening?

Neither DH nor I have a good relationship with his mother and she has been prone to very bad behaviour herself in the past but I am trying not to let it cloud my judgement here.

The problem here is more basic: I think as DSS is getting older he will exercise more freedom on where he spends time (i.e. your house or his mums)... I think you need to be careful on not setting a precedent on him being able to escape punishment by just going to the other parents house. That's just a fancy form of playing parents off against each other otherwise. I think letting DSS know that you do not agree with him upsetting his mother for whatever reason is a good idea, and I would perhaps speak to his mother and ask what punishment she had in mind and carry it over to your house in this case.

Good point. As far as we can make out his mother's idea of punishment is sending him here and stopping him going in town with his friends, which he doesn't do from here anyway (his choice, whole other post).

I feel we should say no mobile, ipad or TV tonight and find some extra chores for him to do. He will be us until Monday as this is 'our' weekend but we have family staying from Friday onwards which maks a protracted punishment difficult.

I should add that despite his age he gets very little say on when he comes here, his requests for extra nights with us are usually rejected hysterically by his mother threatening to throw him out.

If the punishment is to go to his dads, then just treat him as usual. Perhaps his dad needs a man to man chat with him but I don't think it is up to you to punish him whilst he is there to be honest.

Poor kid, we haven't had the heart to even tell him off. When DH picked him up she made him give her back his key and told her that he wasn't allowed home again as he is so badly behaved. This happened half a dozen times last year but he stood up to her last Christmas and we thought that had stopped it but clearly not.

DS has spent the evening on the phone begging her to let him come back. I'm certain she will let him home on Monday when he is due back after his weekend with us but she will string it out all weekend. It's like she's testing him to check how much he loves her.

It's emotional abuse and we are desperate for him to live with us full time. His mother displays so many narcissistic personality traits she's practically textbook.

This is a whole other thread now really and nothing to do with punishments at all.

That's horrible. Can't your H pull her up on it?

He does but she didn't listen. She doesn't speak to her family and I don't think she has any friends as anyone who challenges her behaviour is cut out of her life.

DSS has two adult half sisters who his mother has ex-communicated, so when she threatens to do the same to him he knows she has the capacity to follow through.

I am so angry and so sad on his behalf but there's so little we can do. Social services have been involved before when his mother was violent towards her ex partner but they aren't interested in the emotional side. DSS doesn't want to live his us so pursuing custody through the courts would be a fruitless exercise.

*live with us

The poor boy being emotionally blackmailed like that. It'll screw him up for life

That my biggest fear. I wish there was more we could do but other than being there for him there is frustratingly little.

Keep him and don't send him back. What an awful woman. She clearly doesn't want him. Keep and and treat him like her deserves xx

Can you discuss with his mum and find out what her punishment is or what she expects you to do? If not then leave it for when he gets back to his mums, and not ruin all your time with him. She can't expect to shove all the punishment responsibility on you guys, you'll never have fun as a family. Ask him if he'd try and make It up to his mum when he gets back if he's reasonable enough.

Sorry posted wiithout reading it all. That's horrible and so unfair on a child... I had similar problems with my mum (she didn't kick me out but she'd hold me over a barrel and have me apologising for days) she still tries it if we fall out now and I end up just telling her ill speak to her when she can be nice and ignoring her for a bit. I'd tell him that his mum needs space and to have time with you and worry about it on Sunday.