Do you ever feel that, given the choice, your OH would go back to his real family?

[CrushingFfingCandy]

Got a thread running in AIBU - basically discussing how my DP (fiance supposedly) constantly goes on about missing his kids when we're on holiday. A big one is that we go to a yearly even and everytime we've been he whinges on about how his kids should be there as it's "their" thing and it was something he used to do with them and how he feels guilty etc. He used to have photos on his computer of his real family enjoying holidays etc together and now I feel that nothing "we" do will ever compare as we're not really "family". I honestly believe that if his ex said "lets try again and go on holiday together as a real family like we used to." he'd seriously consider it.

Do you ever feel like your OH is so cut up about his "real" family that trying to create a new one with him is just pointless?

I had exactly the same with my dh when we first got together, the difference being that whenever we did anything with my kids, he would react in the same way as your oh, and be texting them constantly to say how much he misses them. No words of wisdom but I know exactly how annoying this is. Perhaps he needs a sharp dose of reality for you to tell him when he's ready for a comitted relationship to look you up.. If your still around.

I think it's understandable that he misses seeing the children. But if he's making you feel like your not family and they are his "real" family then you really need to sit down and have a good chat and tell him how you feel. Otherwise all this that you're feeling is just going to build and fester - which is no good for anybody. He's obviously making you feel insecure about your relationship and if you leave things as they are it'll also turn to resentment towards his children because of how he seems to put them on a pedestal and class them as "his real family."

I think unless you've had to go on holiday without your DC's it is a bit unfair to say he is 'whinging' - but OTOH, if he misses them so much (and I know DH found it very difficult to go on holiday and leave his DS, specially when DS got older and was upset he wasn't going) why doesn't he do something about it? You can apply for a court order that would cover holidays, even abroad.

balia possibly because Crushing..Candy and her DP went on this holiday to spend some time together, not to entertain the DSC . Usually as soon as DSC are around, the whole thing revolves around them. It's a very common (and not very nice) scenario for a SM, as we usually either get sidelined or get drawn into scenarios we don't want to be part of.

In a new partnership you must build memories together that do not involve the other family unit, but the OPs partner doesn't seem to understand that. He seems to live in the past and doesn't seem to enjoy the present with his new partner much. I would be very concerned about this as well.

My eldest ds goes away to his dads for 4 out of the 6 weeks of the summer holiday and I miss him terribly and am constantly thinking how much he would like to do the things we are doing without him and wishing he was there etc. I honestly think this is a totally normal response and yes he shouldn't be making you feel excluded but this seems to be more about your insecurities about his ex wife than anything. Sorry if that's an unfair assumption but why wouldn't he pine for his dc's and wish they were there? It's part and parcel of the step family thing all this surely? So are you worried about him missing his children or are you actually worried he is still in love with his ex wife?

atos35, I understand where you are coming from, and yes some "I miss my kids" is completely normal, my DH does it as well occasionally when we're on holiday. But he will also be able to enjoy time with me without going on about it all the time and actually concentrate on making us stronger as a couple and not wasting his time with memories of the past that can't be recreated.

Does any one really miss 17 and 18 year old kids enough to whine about it all holiday?He needs to get a grip and start acting like an adult.

Sorry - don't know the back story - can you link to the AIBU thread?

No, we are his real family. The kids are his family too but so am I and so are my kids too.