Am I being selfish? Don't want the calm to end

[TheMumsRush]

Things have been ticking along nicely and all is well. Dh and I have addressed issues and it's all going smoothly. Things are all good with his exgf too. Now, one of the dc has a little extra weight, it's been creeping up and now dh feels he needs to say something while changes can be made. I know this will not go down well (I wouldn't like being told that). We have them eow so it's hard to really have a huge influence over that area. I told dh I didn't really want it to be brought up as I just know It will cause no end of problems (and I will no doubt get accused of over stepping) but I do see that as this is a health issue he can't just ignore it. Normally what happens in ex's house is none of our business and ex never get involved in what happens in our house. Is this one subject where that rule changes?

It depends on how he approaches it. If he goes direct to ex she may take it as a criticism of her parenting which as you say will cause fire works.

Depending on how old DC is (if older) can you not encourage more exercise when they are with you? Maybe offer to pay for an after school sports club?

If younger DH can maybe mention to ex that he(your family) are on a health kick and will be eating lots of health well balanced meals and would the ex mind if there were no sweets/fatty foods when the DC's are with you?
This stops it being a criticism of her parenting and may encourage her to look at the children's diet. Depending on the chis age it may also encourage them to eat a healthy diet.

I am very wary of discussing weight with children as it can have a devastating effect (I suffered 15 years with an eating disorder) but you can educate them.

Hope it works out OP

chis??? Children's

Dsd is 8. Dh knows the eating habits of ex and this is why he has worries as he's starting to see the effects on dsd. I don't think this will go down well as ex is also on the bigger side (I'm only saying this to give more understanding and not being mean). We have started cutting back at our house but it's starting to feel like we can't give treats as we are trying to counteract what goes on at mums. We don't want to be the boring ones

Also, we would never talk about this to dsd because of exactly what you said about the future effect. But until she can make decisions for herself, it's our job to make the right ones for her.

Treats can come in all forms and don't have to be food related.

Given that ex is resident parent (so majority of meals are made by her) and her eating habits are not great then there will be little you can do.
If DH brings it up with ex it is likely to cause offence and not actually solve the issue.

Maybe try and encourage DSD to be more healthy and as I said more sports/exercise/pay for after school sports/dance club.

You can only change what you do in your home and to be quite honest, there's not much you can do if it's every other weekend.

In my opinion there is no point antagonising an ex over this.

Not ideal for the child, I know, but I doubt intervening will help the child anyway.

TheMumsRush great to hear things are going well. I've followed your posts and you've been dealing with a lot so understandable you don't want anything to rock the boat. I think you need to be careful with this one for a couple of reasons. The main one which would concern me is that raising a weight let's be honest fat issue with a child can have longer term impacts on self esteem, over and above the impact they will already experience socially. Parents most often do it with the best of intentions such as health and potential bullying/social exclusion like your DH is worried about. But you have to be so careful that it doesn't make the child feel even worse. It's often best to wait or see if it's an issue for the child and then talk with them about working as a team on the issue. Depending on their age of course. The second concern is being perceived to try and control what is happening in the other home. If DH and ex work well together then opening a conversation around it and a plan to work together would be fine. But if not, it would likely cause more problems than it achieves. TBH, if ex isn't open to these sorts of issues being raised, you might just have to focus on role modelling and educating DSC around healthy eating and exercise while they're with you, and hope this has an influence longer term. When you have them the majority of the time, it is easier to manage but EOW is tricky. Is your DH being realistic about how ex will take him bringing this up?

I see what you mean about treats not being food but it's nice not to say no all the time to a soft drink or packet of crisps while out. We are active at ours but maybe an after school activity will be good. I know dh would be happy to pay, as long as mum doesn't mind having to take her as we are not close

I can see why you're worried, but I don't know how you'd put it into words without sounding like her parenting is being criticised.

Agree with PP, encouraging exercise seems to be the only way forward.

Sorry X post

Thanks getting, I've told DH that it won't be appreciated but he seems to think that if she gets angry (and she will) she will calm down and see his point.

Why will you get accused of overstepping? Surely it is a discussion between him and the ex, and you won't be part of it in any way? Or will he somehow blame you for the discussion happening?

I suppose it depends on the relationship that they have (DH and his ex), but if my DH were to raise this issue I know that she would get angry, and then more angry.

What she will hear is "you're fat, and now you're making our DD fat with your awful parenting".

I think DH wants mum to stop having sugary snacks so readily available and to stop the grazing between meals. I don't have a sweet tooth so don't buy those things, they are just not on my radar.

I agree with you mutton. I guess I'll just have to brace myself if he goes ahead with it and expect the back lash from sil (she's close with ex and had a go at me last time a situation arose, but that was a loooong time ago and maybe this will be different)

Yep sounds like he's not being realistic. Understandable because he's worried about her and doesn't want to feel like he's doing nothing. But raising a weight issue about a child, with a parent who is overweight, seems like asking for trouble. In order for her mum to address it, she probably has to look at her own lifestyle and that is for her to do on her own. It sure won't happen because the ex she hates brings it up!

Funky, no it's nothing to do with me but in the past when he's said anything she assumes it comes from me

Then you need to reflect it back to SIL - 'Sorry SIL, DH has a brain cell of his own and if he chooses to speak to his ex wife about their child, it is nothing to do with me. So speak to him about it if you want to have a discussion.'

I don't think he could say anything to his ex without her feeling like it's a criticism of her. But if his DD is aware of her weight and keen to lose a little/not gain too much over the next few years then she's a good age to start taking a bit more control of things for herself. If you can introduce her to healthy snacks that she likes, get her into cooking healthy food, etc then she may lead her mum into better habits, or at least know that she doesn't have to eat every sugary snack offered.

My DD was a bit chubby when little, but has slimmed out a bit since she was about 8 - a combination of being very sporty and realising that she could say no to seconds at dinner time if she wasn't really hungry any more, and that she would avoid getting fat if she did. She's a healthy weight now (nearly 11) , and has a healthy attitude to food too.

My DH fed the kids very traditional, mostly quite unhealthy food before I met him - but his eldest DD has been as much of a force for healthy eating as I have been.

If DSD herself isn't bothered by her weight, or is still of a mindset of eating everything she's given, then I think your DP will be fighting a losing battle. Just encourage healthy hobbies, and feed her healthy food when she's with you and wait a few years for her to be old enough to care for herself.

I think you can talk to DSD about it - not as "you're overweight, and need to lose weight" but in a more general - we do this because we want to stay healthy kind of way.

I was nervous of talking about that sort of thing with my DD too - we fear so much about "making them anorexic", but really there's far more overweight kids than there are anorexics - and anorexia has a lot more to it than simply dieting. Gently encouraging her to do things to stay slim/healthy I think is OK. It's also very unlikely than an overweight 8 year old won't already be quite aware that she's overweight. I doubt that by bringing up the issue in a general way, you'd be giving her any anxieties she doesn't already have.

She's not bothered yet but her brother does tease her (we pull him up on it straightaway). She likes swimming and going to the park but at far as I'm aware I'm the only one that takes her swimming when I can. DH can't (don't ask)

I think an after school activity is a good idea. Maybe put that to mum first instead of the food.

After school activities are great for keeping active - is there something she'd enjoy on offer? School website may tell you.

But so is active play - and brothers can be quite good for that. Ours spend hours jumping on a trampoline or if we can get them out then playing at the park and come back hot and sweaty.