It's times like this you realise your place...

[thebluehen]

Warning, a self pitying post!

A bit of background. Dsd2 lives full time with dp and I and has done for 2 years. I've lived with dp for 4 years and been with him for 6 years. His wife left him for another man 8 years ago and has had several boyfriends since.

Dsd sees her mum (something we insisted on when she said she wanted to live with us) but it's only 1 day per week and it's not a close relationship.

I don't consider myself to be dsd mum, but I do feel I an the "second parent" to her. It is me who goes to school performances at her request, takes her to the doctors, listens to her tales about school life, knows what food she likes, knows when she has her period, has had the contraception talk etc etc.

Generally dp is first port of call and I am there if he can't do something for her.

So Tuesday night was her school prom.

Her and her prom date are at the front of the house and all the extended family turn up to take photos. Dp and I had already discussed making sure we got some photos of dsd without her boyfriend so that we could still display them in the future just in case she's still not with her boyfriend.

Dp nor any of his family suggested that dsd have a photo with me. She had photos with boyfriends family and extended family but right at the end I had to ask dp to take a photo of us.

It's not dsd fault, she was overwhelmed with it all. Ironically it was me that was chatting to her when everyone else had forgotten her and was chatting between themselves.

I am a quiet person and not very forthcoming but even so, I would have thought someone would have at least thought it would be nice for dsd to have a photo with me.

I think this would have quite likely happened if you were not her step mother.

I have to tell my dh to take a photo with the dc with me in it and this stems from looking back at the photos from the first couple of years of their lives, I am not in them. I was definitely there. Taking the photos! So not I make sure I am in them.

I don't think it a step mother thing. You have to be the one to organise- I certainly do in my family.

I understand your disappointment but try not to read much into it, it was obviously a very busy and exciting time for you all. I don't have any photos of me alone with my children on my wedding day, although lots of me with other people and of them with others, just none of us alone. Sometimes it happens and trying to please all the people all the time means we overlook the most obvious and important ones :(

Hi bluehen,
I feel your pain, similar personalities, similar set up but not quite ft.
Still, though, I see myself having a significant role in our "family" but when push comes to shove, even in an amicable situation, I'm instantly forgotten. Yes, it hurts, because you put in your heart and soul, and that simply isn't recognized.
Sure I get thanks for this and that, often not wanting it as I feel its all part and parcel. There's an invisible barrier for sm that perhaps nobody sees but all are somehow aware of it, except us of course.
Last time "family" photos were taken, my exh (!) proved more gentlemanly than the rest and made sure there were photos of ds and me and I offered the same.
Do you have dc yourself? Think about what you could be investing in their emotional armour, preparing them for life.

I agree that it's nothing to do with being a step mother! I don't have step children and this could have happened to me

This might have happened if you were her Mum, please don't worry.

You sound like you are her absolute rock with all the things you do. She'll appreciate that as she gets older!

I'm a SM & a DM and this happens to me with all the children. I tend to be the photographer and not the one in them. It's not personnel and I would imagine given the excitement and everything going on it just didn't occur to people.

You have to be vocal sometimes OP.

I hope DSD had a fab prom.

Thanks for the replies. I can see it's not necessarily a step situation but I do feel it would have been a good opportunity for dp and his family to acknowledge me and my role.

I don't expect thanks or praise but some encouragement and acknowledgement would have been nice and would have been really appreciated. Nobody did it on purpose, but it still upset me.

I will dust myself off and get on with it. Dsd1 18th birthday party to organise now. I'm already feeling like nothing more than the caterer. Dsd1 and I don't get along as well as dsd2.

I have my ds prom first though.

I know this sounds harsh but 4-5 years out of your DSDs life isnt that much. Even a child's parent will sometimes be sidelined, its the hard knocks of having children. Ive been in DP and DSSs life for nearly 8 years and there are divided loyalties 'bubbling under' that emerge at these life events (proms, graduation, marriage, births). Even DP gets left out of some things and that's his son we're talking about!

I tend to mentally prepare myself for rejection, in a self-protecting way. DSS has yet to experience these life events but Im bracing myself with a big painted-on smile and will probably be last in the queue for DSSs open affections, I know his DM will always come first. But I know, underneath we do have a strong relationship and he knows I care, as I am sure your DSD knows that you care, you play a major part in her life.

It does bloody hurt but its their reality. My DPs ex has done a lot of things fuelled by her anger of DP being happy, to make DSS feel guilty about enjoying life with me and I was not the OW (I was widowed). DP has 50/50 residency. Ironically DSS is very loyal to me but on his own terms, he does stick up for me when she says negative things but he will always have to show her preference.

I would try not to take it personally re your DSDs prom photo, it is not a useful yardstick to measure and compare love or pecking order. You do have a place, but it isn't necessarily next to her in a photo frame. If your relationship is otherwise strong, try not to dwell on it or let it sour things. It is very difficult I know, but don't doubt your SM contribution to DSD, which is unique to you and her.

I often remind myself:

prepare for the worst, hope for the best

Xposted - Im a very slow typist

Everyone else may have assumed you'd taken a photo earlier, before everyone arrived. I'm not sure what your DPs excuse is though.

I do agree that this was just as likely to happen if you were her mother rather than step mother.

I can see this being the case with my dsc. DP was allowed to go to sports day this year as his ex was working.
Was I invited? Was I fuck - he took his sister!!!
I'm good enough for all the shit jobs but not the fun stuff!!!

I think the thing is that if you were the mother rather than a stepmother, you don't need people to photograph you with your DC - well it's nice if they do, so you get the photo, but your relationship with your own is just so secure. They're always yours, and everyone knows that, so if you get missed off a photo, that doesn't alter how you or anyone else sees you.

But as a DSM your relationship is a lot less secure - it does need people to reinforce it, to show that they notice it exists, and to recognise your role. So a missed opportunity like that with photos does hurt.

Purple, you've summed it up perfectly. When it's my ds turn for prom, I wouldn't bat an eyelid about photos with him, I would have more confidence to just ask someone and expect to be first in line.

With step children, it's so much more complicated and some support is always appreciated.

Oh Blue you have my absolute sympathies as a step mum to two 13 year old twin girls who are currently on holiday in Spain with DH while I stay at home with the mutt, I know all too well how horrid that feeling of side lining can be.

But I have learnt that it just means that every hug counts that little bit more, when they happen