I feel so bad, such a bad step-mum

[badstepmummy]

Hi all,

I am step-mum to my DSD, 13. Me and DH have residency and I have parental rights/responsibility for her. Her mum has VERY limited access, outlined in the court order. We also have a younger DC together, so there's 4 of us in the household.

I love my DSD very much, she's come such a long way. However, her attitude really sucks. She is lazy, rude, a bit arrogant, full of her self, is very "grabby" and just expects us to do everything and anything for her. She is ALWAYS on her phone, we ask something and she says "in a little while" then goes back to her phone and does whatever on there. This morning we had to ask her 3 times to do something. Then we get slammed doors, huffs and sighs. We get huffs, sighs, ALL the time whenever we ask her to move something, or do something. She doesn't really have chores, she needs to keep her room tidy, and she'll cut the grass once every few moth if we ask, after much huffing and sighing and muttering under her breath.

It bugs the hell out of me, it really does. A few weeks ago she says she wants X-box live membership for the year, X-box memory thing, £25 Itunes card and a DVD. All to the sum of £90ish. I don't know how to get my DH to actually DO something about her attitude, we talked and talked at great lengths about it, he agree's, but doesn't actually do anything about it.

I really really don't want my other DD to grow up with the same attitude.

I know I'm probably going to be flamed for this, but I already feel really bad as it is so please don't be too harsh. I just don't know what to do, I'm going mad.

Thanks.

So you have a teenager in the house.

Do you give her pocket money in return for chores and she can save up for her treats?

Is this just how Teens are?

We don't give her pocket money as such, we pay for her phone monthly, and her club each week though.

Sounds like every other 13 year old I've ever met!
It doesn't last forever.

Yes she is a typical teen, they go on their phones all the time, the leave wet towels everywhere, they expect chauffeur service and they huff , puff and mutter it's normal . Your bio dd will be the same naturally they don't have to copy behaviour.
Disclaimer teen are also wonderful too.

The behaviour sounds typical enough.
Your DH doing nothing about it is the bit that is atypical and not healthy.

Teens test limits.
Parents set limits.

Yep sounds like typical teen behaviour. At 13 she should be helping around the house and to be honest I'd be saying "do your allocated chores or we don't do or you don't get anything nice."

Your problem is that your DH doesn't want to enforce a sense of responsibility and respect in to his DD. You need to sit down again and discuss this and show a united front when it comes to dealing with her. It's easier said than done, I know. But unless you can back each other up and stick to it, things are going to spiral and her attitude will get worse because she knows she can get away with it and has no boundaries set.

Thank you all.

I think, because she's been through a fair bit throughout her little life, he's trying to make up for it now somehow, by being "easy" on her.

Will try to sit him down and talk it out once they are in bed.

Try to remind him that he isn't dong her any favours, long-term, by letting her act inappropriately or avoid responsibility. The key thing IMHO is age appropriate rights and responsibilities.

I have had the same with my all my teens whether they are step or not and girls can be a nightmare when hormones are raging. They are now all wonderful adults who I am so proud of.

The teen years can be a total pain but you will emerge the other side.

Yep, she's just a teenager. She'll grow out of it. :)

I know plenty of adults who haven't "grown out of it". I think teens grow out of this stage as a result of being parented and guided down the right path. Your husband needs to start setting boundaries and consequences.

I have tried to tell him he's doing no favours in the long run, he has got slightly better I guess.

She started puberty young and started her periods aged 10 so she's had the hormones for a few years don't I know it

I totally agree that she will grow out of it if she's parented through it, I'm worried that if she carries on as she is, then she will always be like it? We don't have a "she's his responsibility" thing going on, but I guess in someways I feel like I shouldn't be the one dishing out all the parenting because he doesn't find it easy to do all the "not so nice" bits of parenting.

Thanks for all your advice :-)

It's a very fine line I totally understand where your coming from dsd doesn't live with us so not the same at all but I really avoid getting involved with anything parental unless she was doing something dangerous..

Agree with the others for her sake he needs to step up . Not easy for you tho at all..

Have had a talk with him and I think it's sinking in a bit. He just wants to be "fun" dad I think.

It is a fine line, it's hard to be a step parent, it feels like theres unwritten boundaries you know nothing about. We normally bounce around pretty well, but recently this attitude, and DH'S lack of doing anything has put a dampener on everything.

If he wants to be 'fun' dad then who is going to be the person that 'parents' her. Or doesn't he want to be a parent?

You are not a bad stepmum, my dss 15 yo hated me Friday night as I confiscated his phone, he was raging, screamin, yelling etc. tough luck phone now. He did hand it over and apologise next day.
You have a hormonal teenager inthe house. :) they're not much fun at times.

My eldest DSD had a glued to her phone stage at about 13. She's still on it a lot, as are younger DSCs too, but it's not quite as ridiculous as it was at 13. I think part of it was being at that age when she really wanted to be with her friends rather than family, and on top of that family had changed to include new people she wasn't so comfortable round... was easier to retreat into constant text conversations.

We did ban it from the dinner table, and whilst watching movies. Best to give them time to send one final text saying "got to go" and then make them put it out of reach or threaten to do so yourself.

She's unlikely to help out much found the house unless you make her really - but it's absolutely fine to do that. I find getting one of the DSC to help DP wtih the washing up whilst I do something else works well

Of course he wants to be a parent, he's just a right soft touch. Going to talk to him properly, make some child free time for a good chat.

Banning the phone for tea and films is a good start. Last night we asked her to leave her mobile on the dining room table at bed time, which she did as she sits on it for hours and then isn't going to sleep till late, which doesn't help the grumpyness!.
Thanks for all the advice!

You're not a bad step-mum, I'm sure! I could write the same about DSS, who is 12, and is glued to his x-box. If I hadn't read your post I was about to post pretty much the same, so you've made me fell better - I realise that doesn't help... I think alot of stuff on here could be posted on the "teenager" pages! DH is a good man, and finds him hard too, but I'm a (reluctant) SAHM for our 2 DDs (aged 3 and 1) so I'm in when he gets back from school and get all the "school's crap" stuff when he gets in. And DH has to get up so stupidly early for work he goes to bed at the same time as DSS so we don't get time to ourselves much. It's not what I signed up for but neither of us would have foreseen DSS living with us so I guess I don't really have any advice other than plenty of deep breaths and count to 10, and if that doesn't work, make it 20! That's about all I do... best of luck

Thank you bonnymiffy your post genuinly brought a smile to my face.

When i got with DH he had DSD EOWeekend and one evening in between. I certainly didn't expect her full time, especially when my younger DD was about 2weeks old. But i do love her, yes there's ups and downs, and yes, I understand that it's ok that I don't love them equally. I love them both a lot but in different ways. I carried my DD for 8 months, so the bond is stronger. and i dont hate myself for it anymore

Hope things are ok for you :-)

Hi badstep we used to have DSS as much as we could fitting in around our work (before DDs arrived), then DSS's mum moved away, and we had to take her to court just to get access. That was horrible. Then, with just 1 hour's notice, the night before the new school year started, she rang to say that she was going to bring him to live with us and he could start at our local secondary school. That was September and it's been a hard road for all of us since then. DDs are still small so they don't care, and actually think DSS is fab! He can be, when he feels like it, but I suppose I have to realise that it's been a huge change for him, he's gone from being an only child to one of three, the girls' needs are hugely different etc etc, and as well as making new friends and settling in with us there's the whole hormone thing kicking in! But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with in the heat of the moment. I'm heaving a sigh of relief as he's away this week on a school trip! Keep counting...

Her attitude could be a result of many things; she may feel excluded from the 'natural' family, jealous/sad/angry that she doesn't have her own mum around etc. Or perhaps she is just being a teenager. Who's to say your other child couldn't turn out exactly the same, whether influenced or not by her.
I think you should love and support her more when she is showing such signs of difficulty. It isn't easy being a teenager and feeling targeted by parents could worsen the whole thing. I'd say be firm and fair. Make her earn the things she wants - long term she will be able to appreciate the things she can get herself (and from others) much more.

Do you do things with her without her younger sibling? She may just need alone-time; a few friends say this is highly valuable with teenagers and makes for better communication.

Luckily I have another 10 years at least until I will be faced with this so my advice is merely my thoughts. Hope it all goes well!

And you shouldn't name yourself badstepmummy! You're being responsible to the point of weighing up your thoughts and actions - if anything, you should be superbonusmummy!