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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepkids not being nice

15 replies

frodo1 · 05/07/2014 03:04

Me and dh have 2 dd, he has 3 kids from a previous relationship 2 ds and 1 dd, they come every Friday - sat and I do as much as I can to make them feel welcome, asking them what they like to eat and cooking it, buying a movie and snacks for us to watch when they are here, taking them shopping and on days out when they are off school and I do genuinely like them and their company, the only thing is I can't trust them to be alone with dds. As soon as they are I will hear dds crying and when I go to investigate the stepkids will say nothing has happened, dds are cry babies and even when dds say what's happened dh will take dsk side and say its nothing just leave it as he doesn't want to tell them off. As such I try not to leave them alone but last week within 30 seconds of me going into kitchen dd was on the floor saying dsd had pushed her off, dh would not have it and refused to even ask dsd what had happened, I don't want my kids to be bullied in their own home by stepkids who I think May be jealous of them what should I do?

OP posts:
MildDrPepperAddiction · 05/07/2014 03:55

Your DH needs to stop playing favorites with his DCs and not allow the older ones to bully your Dds. No suggestions though for how you get him to realise this though. Sorry.

wotoodoo · 05/07/2014 04:15

What a ridiculous situation. Where are the boundaries? Why are you just pandering to your sks? What are all their ages?

You need to have a sit down meeting first with your pathetic dh and tell him what is going on and work together to find a joint parenting policy, because without him being on board things will just get worse.

Then together you need to instigate some house rules. Treats such as snacks/going shopping etc and a movie should only be dished out after they have shown they have been kind, thoughtful and considerate to each other and to you!

You need treats to reward good behaviour only, it is not their 'right' to have treats just by coming to your house.

If they are being mean to your dds then there needs to be consequences! If your sks learn that they only get treats by being kind then they will soon change their ways.

TerribleMother · 05/07/2014 04:27

How old are they all? Sorry, but I couldn't let this continue - if dh wasn't prepared to protect his youngest kids and treat them all equally, then I couldn't stay with him. What a ridiculously stressful situation, not being able to leave the children alone together for five minutes!?

StepUpOrStepOut · 05/07/2014 07:49

I think you should be treating your dsc normally when they visit, not rolling out the red carpet, this will only give them a sense of entitlement. And until your DH actually starts to parent his kids I would be reluctant to leave the smaller two alone with them. If they means DH being around at all times, so be it, he may get the picture

MummyA1984 · 05/07/2014 12:53

I totally agree with stepUpOrStepOut.... Why are u treating them like royal visitors? My kids don't get movies and snacks and food on demand, I'm guessing yours don't? Why do u treat them like that? To keep them happy? I think when step kids visit they should blend into your family "day in the life of us" type of day. Your kids will hugely resent the fact they get treats as soon as the step kids arrive and the step kids will think you owe them that every time which is wrong.

Your dh needs to step up big time! I can't imagine my little babies not feeling safe in their own homes every weekend, how awful for them. Maybe invest in a video monitor if u can get your dh to parent his kids :(

Elizabeth120914 · 05/07/2014 14:28

We have the issue with not being able to treat dsd as 'normal' if we don't do something to her liking she just won't come.. With a new baby due I'm wondering if we won't have the same issues as op as she's very possessive of attention and time..

It would be absolutely unacceptable for that to occur in our house I would be demanding oh supervises them and has a harsh word step or not treating younger siblings like that is awful ..

Original poster
frodo1 · 02/03/2015 23:41

Wrote a long thread but it vanished simple point was dh fumes if I "only cook pasta" when dsc are over however it's fine for our kids. He even in a huff ordered them pizza when I'd made pasta bake, garlic bread and corn on the cob tho dsc were happy and ended up eating it and being full before pizza came! Have I got to spend the rest of my life thinking up amazing meals to be cooked when dsc are here?

OP posts:
Original poster
frodo1 · 02/03/2015 23:43

Oh and just to add movie and snacks are our normal sat whether dsc are here or not xx

OP posts:
herintheredskirt · 03/03/2015 02:52

Sounds like dh is being ridiculous about the meal thing.

MeridianB · 03/03/2015 07:57

Sounds like it's time to let DH do the meal planning, shopping and cooking for a few weekends....

Is he scared of losing access or his DCs not wanting to come? What are the ages? Does he have any 1:1 time with them?

blueberrymuffffin · 03/03/2015 09:38

The DSC aren't guests, they are part of the family and they should be eating with everybody else.
If you were cooking up food which you knew they wouldn't like then yeah maybe that's a bit out of order but I don't see anything wrong with making things like pasta, I mean who doesn't like pasta?
I remember having similar problems when I first started being involved with my DSC, DH had spent years giving them things like pizza and KFC etc and he thought that was all they liked, I once made a lasagne, garlic bread and salad for us all and DH said ''oh DCs don't like lasagne'' ...it was already made so I served it up anyway (expecting to have to rummage through the freezer for chicken nuggets) and they absolutely loved it and at the end said ''that was the best meal ever, can we have that every week?''
It sounds like your DH is being a bit of a Disney Dad, the kids did like the pasta and he didn't even bother to wait and see if they would eat it before going ahead and ordering them a pizza.
I think he needs to pipe down and either do the cooking himself or leave you to it.

paddlenorapaddle · 03/03/2015 09:49

You don't have a step child problem as you have DH problem, he needs to pull his finger out and be a proper father but I wonder how much parenting he actually did previously

As for undermining you with Pizza when you've cooked a meal, that only feeds this attitude of the little emperors and empress that you are there to serve them

But it really does start with your DH if he wont respect you then you can't expect the DSC to

NickiFury · 03/03/2015 09:52

I would be telling them off myself not waiting for their father to do it, as I would any child that was being unpleasant towards mine. You have every right to do so. Don't wait for him to do it. If he can't intervene effectively himself then you're going to have to do it and he will have to lump it.

Love51 · 03/03/2015 09:54

I would ask DH how he disciplined the kids whe he was with exW. If he did, see if he can make the link that they need discipline still. If he left it to their Mum see if he can make the link that if she isnt here someone else needs to do it. Have a nice calm chat that ends with a commitment from him and get him to agree that you can step in if he lets you down. When he does let you down be clear how upset you are (in private). Don't get over it too quickly.

NickiFury · 03/03/2015 09:55

Oh and same with the meals. Try to aim towards their likes (I do that for my own dc so would for others too) but ultimately if you're cooking, you decide and he will have to lump that too.

Once again an ineffective spouse/parent adding to the already weighty difficulties of a blended family.

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