Do you ever feel like the ex wife is in your relationship?

[Nellymay]

Hi I'll try to explain what I mean: both of us were widowed when we met and subsequently moved in together then got married and we've been together 12 years and I am step mum to 3 adult stepchildren and we have 6 grandchildren. On the surfaces we all get on well as a family and everyone is very accepting of me BUT why do I feel this subtle cancelling out as if I'm in competition with their mum and dh's 1st wife? Why do I feel a resentment of me? eg I've got the things that their mum missed out on - eg grandchildren, a fairly comfortable lifestyle I've worked hard for this too.

My first marriage was childless and I wasn't happy towards the end and it would have finished if dh hadn't got cancer and died whereas dh (no 2) was very happily married and they'd have grown old together if she hadn't died. So we came to this relationship from different perspectives and expectations and we are very happy but I feel resented, cancelled out like I'm "not her" rather accepted for being me.
Does anyone have this too and has anyone got any advice to share.

Hi Nelly,
Just a quick note as I was merely divorced, not widowed.
However, I'm starting to get the feeling it doesn't really matter if the mum is alive and well, or not.
Over the years I've built up a relatively good relationship to dss (I think I have mostly ds to thank for this, he's a great older brother to shy dss) and a fairly good relationship to dsd. While we all have great chats about all sorts of things (I'm just better at chat, taking a personal interest than dh is) on a one to one basis, as soon as dh enters the scene there is a change in atmosphere: I become the dreaded OW that no one really wants, the obviously third wheel and awkward to be around. Their remarks can be scathing and always completely uncalled for (dh rarely, practically never, calls them on this or defends me, even if it were just being diplomatic in my company).
I have no explanation. I was not the ow by any stretch of the imagination, btw, have always treated the rather difficult stepkids fairly, almost to the detriment of ds, just to be sure I was being as fair as humanly possible.
Our couple counselor has told me to detach big time, there is no way that they, dsd in particular, will ever come round to the extent that I can be comfortable and happy with.
Basically, professional advice means finding your own things/people/ hobbies to be passionate about so that their innate resentment becomes water off a duck's back although I'm starting to run out of places to disappear to when there are too many people in our small house
Good luck xx

Thanks for replying Anormal I know exactly what you mean it's like they can't be seen to like you in case they are being disloyal. Blood is thicker than water etc. no matter how bad things were between their parents.

I've tried to get my own interests going so that it doesn't matter so much. I've talked to dsd no2's dh about feeling of being resented and wanted to be accepted for me and that I'm not in competition with wife no 1. I don't think they realise they are doing it
I think you need a strong self esteem to start with or pig headedness! :)

Well, I think stepkids are always going to have a level of melancholy that their parents aren't together and guarding them/there for them in a super-tight perfect unit (which is easy to fantasise about when you haven't got it!)

I think that's natural - there is a melancholy to second families and of course massively more so if someone has died.

I think the best way to handle it is to focus on your life, and think less about what the others might consider their stories. Your story is that you met this amazing man who is your one true love, and are happy because of it, and benefit from relationships with these amazing children. Don't worry too much -- they are of course sad but I'm sure it's not as directed at you as you think.

Thanks Rosepetal for your words of wisdom :)

Could you be confusing resentment with sadness that their mum isn't their to share in these things with them?

Without meaning to sound mean could you be expecting them to be resentful and finding that resentment because you are looking for It?

That's something to think about, Wherestheres

I think resentment exists when mum is still alive but when mum has died I think often we as step parents expect that the kids will hate us or resent us for "replacing" mum when in actuality they like having us there but feel sad that their mum cannot be a part of their lives anymore.

That expectation on our part often leads us to be oversensitive and to disengage which in turn makes it all seem so much worse.

You say they are adults so why not sit down and explain how you feel and ask them if they resent you rather than going to their partners to complain as that comes across as quite childish (not meaning to be mean I promise) and may actually lead to a more negative response towards you iyswim

FWIW my mum died and I got a step mum, and I never saw them as alternatives of each other. I had a few shouty 'your not my mum' bits when I was young. But at the times I hated my stepmother, I hated her totally in her own right!!! (btw on the whole we had a good/still have an excellent relationship).

If I think of my mum it's never in connection with her.

wheretheres I don't see it as complaining to their partners more a discussion about the new shape of our family and my role within that and not wanting to upset people. for what it's worth he thought I had got the balance right. I would sit down and talk about this with my sd if only I knew how to say it - there isn't a script and I don't want to get things all wrong through being clumsy.
Rosepetal it must have been v hard for you x

But if you can discuss it with their partners then you cam discuss directly with them in exactly the same wayas you did with the partner.

I didn't mean to imply you with complaining but trying to get you tongue how your dsc's will see it iyswim

If it helps, I am the child in this situation. DF died when I was a teenager, DSF came along afterwards. I loved DF and in an ideal world he would still be here and with DM. But he isn't. That is not DMs fault and neither is it DSF's..

On my wedding day I was sad that my DF wasn't there. DSF was there and I actually had a real conflict. I would have loved DF to be there, but then DSF wouldn't have been there. DSF means so much to me that the thought of him not being there really hurt.

What I'm trying to convey is that, yes my DF is still a loved member of my family albeit not here. DSF is also a member of my family and I adore him. It's not, in my mind, a case of one or the other. I adore them both. I would hate DSF to feel resentment to DF. They are in a different time IYSWIM. I would hope your DSC feel the same.