A bit of advice needed

[Confused26]

Hi all, so I am a new-ish step-mum. I've been with my husband for 4 years and he has two children, DSS age 11 and DSD age 7 and we have a two year old son together.

Brief summary is that we always had DSC every weekend and sometimes for tea in the week too without any solid agreement with their DM. It was agreed between DH and the children's mum and worked well so that was that. However, 6 months ago things changed when social services placed the children with us permanently with only supervised contact with their mum. It would be a long post to explain all the details, but we've been told by SS that under no circumstances are the children to go back to live with their mum. But we're hoping that it will get to a situation where they can have regular unsupervised contact in the future, even overnight contact as long as SS eventually think they are safe to do so.

DSC have a good relationship with DH, DS and me and although it's difficult we love having them with us (not that we'd want to put them through all of this). They seem to be settling well and their schools have reported great improvements with them both. They miss their mum (understandably) but seem to be coping very well.

My problem is that DSD is repeatedly calling me mum/mummy. I don't know how to react to it. I've been saying things like "you don't need to call me mummy sweetheart, you already have a mummy. I'm very happy being your step-mum" but it doesn't seem to be making any difference. I also tried going with "I think it would make your mum feel upset if you started calling me mum too, so maybe you should stick to calling me XXXX".

So WWYD? I don't want her to feel that I'm pushing her away or make her feel like she's not important to me or loved, but I know how devastated I'd be if DS was calling someone else mum. Plus I can't help but feel it will confuse the situation even more. Any advice?!

[BigPigLittlePig]

Could you suggest an alternative to her? Explain that you only have 1 mummy, but perhaps she would like to pick a different name for you (other than your first name which is what she presumably has called you thus far?)

Not sure what that alternative would be!

[Liara]

While I kind of get what you are saying, in this particular situation I think your dsd's needs are more important than anyone else's. It sounds like she has been through a lot, and if it makes her feel better to call you mummy then I think you should let her.

You could try a 'special' nickname that only your dsc use for you, but my guess is that she is imitating what your ds does, so that might not work for her.

[Finola1step]

In all likelihood this is a confused little girl who just wants a mum.

Can she call you s

[Ziplex]

If you are comfortable with her calling you Mum/Mummy then I can see no harm, my DSS calls me Mum (when he wants something, same situation as you SS removed him from his Mother) he also calls me Ziplex, it's just a name really :)

[Finola1step]

Oops posted too soon.

Can she call you something like mama, mimi or Mia?

I have no experience of step parenting except my own mother was very much expected to call her step mum "Mum" and be eternally grateful to her for taking her on. You sound like you are doing a really good job.

[Confused26]

Thanks for all of the comments everyone. Regarding the nickname option I've tried suggesting "mee-mee" which is what DS calls me (he can't say mummy properly lol). But DSD seems quite insistent on the mum/mummy thing.

I understand how confusing she must be finding this whole situation and upheaval so I'm torn between making it easier for her and just letting her call me whatever she wants (well...within reason!) and not wanting to confuse her more or alienate her mum. I know that if her mum found out she was calling me anything other than my name she'd be furious and would hold it against DSD. So at a time when she's already feeling cut off from her mum that would make things worse.

I don't have any problem with her calling me mum/mummy other than worrying about confusing her and complicating matters with her mum. It's just a difficult situation to judge.

[wheresthelight]

If you don't mind it then I would let it happen but perhaps mummyconfused as a compromise?

It must be very hard for her and she probably doesn't want to stand out any more with her peers by not living with mummy if you see what I mean?

What does your dh think? Could you discuss with her mum and ask her if she would mind?

[steppemum]

I think you need to talk to dh.
If it is going to cause problems with her mum, I would really try to find an alternative. Me-me sounds good as it is the same as ds.

Or talk to her, and say Mummy is her Mummy's special name, but she can choose a name which means mummy, but is a bit different - Mama, Ma, MummyConfused, Me-me. Get her to choose one.

In the end though, she is probably wanting to transfer her mum attachment to you in order to feel safe and the name is probably her way of doing it.

[Madamecastafiore]

I'd let her call you whatever she wants. Dd calls DH dad as well as her real father and it's not a problem.

[Confused26]

Thanks for all the advice. DH is also unsure what to do for the best, he's tried talking to DSD about it but gets the same answers that I do.

Unfortunately asking DSD's mum if she'd mind would not go down well. I know that she would mind very much as she despises me (she sees it as our fault the kids aren't with her - definitely not the case by the way). I also know that she would deliberately upset DSD over it if she was to find out. DSD is very careful not to ever mention that she's done nice things/had fun etc. with me and DH to her mum after DSD has been mocked, ignored or had nasty comments back as replies in the past.

I think I'll keep trying to suggest the me-me option, but ultimately just let it slide. Once she feels more comfortable with her place in the family she might not feel the need to call me anything but my name again, but if me-me sticks I'm ok with it.

Thanks again for all of the input :)

[doziedoozie]

Maybe she wants to be like everyone else at school who talk about Mum and Dad. Saying Stepmum or something might illicit questions she doesn't want, just wondering. So she might go back to SM when she is older and not so bothered.

[purpleroses]

If she calls you mum, is she likely to refer to you as mum when she does see her DM?

If not, then there's not really a problem is there? She could call you mum, but when she's with her DM, she could refer to you by name. If she's currently being careful not to mention nice things she's done with you, then she might be quite able to use your name instead when talking about you.

[DharmaBumpkin]

DSD is residential with us, and she calls me Mum. Same situation in that it was her idea, I gently discouraged but ultimately allowed her to choose. Four years on it has stuck, though I'm pretty sure she calls me by my name when she visits her Mum.