Two unrelated things

[rosepetalsoup]

Does anyone else's DH turn really defensive and snipey when the DSC are with you? Mine does, constantly belittling me and arguing with me.

Other issue: head lice!! Ours have them whenever they come and we always treat them. Any advice? They're almost teen -- is it normal? Also is it better for us to not bother treating them as we only have DSC for the weekend? Also, can they get into the sofa etc? I am very not in the know!

I hope you're right Elizabeth....I kinda just said how difficult he can be and how I couldn't understand it, when the two people he's supposed to love most in the world are with him he should be delighted, but he seems to struggle which he doesn't have to.... I'm so grateful for your kind words, hopefully it was just said in the heat of the moment, that's it though, am never going to hit my head off this brick wall again..... Queen suck it up will be my new name..... Thanks again, none of my friends are in a similar situation so it's great not to be alone in this. X

I know totally how u feel It sucks.. I always want to talk it over but oh won't/ doesn't. I've learned through some pretty fowl rows that it's a no win conversation. They must know the truth. For my oh he knows he's used quite badly and that dsd isn't really interested in his company these days but obviously it's a very sore to

Topic..

We walk a really horrible line and it's not easy but I think sometimes u have to accept certain boundaries for your own sanity. I try to pick my battles now. OH will run dsd down then do a total u-turn after winding me up for example - I avoid these topics now..

As the kids get older they don't want to come every weekend which has made things easier in our house. We have dsd this weekend and I'm not looking forward to it as I know it will be the same old she doesn't want to be here oh gets upset and great times had by all. I try to organise something we can all do that doesn't involve the flash points of being in the house and her getting bored.. Maybe try the same?

Sometimes when u accept u can't change something it gets better .. Feel free to message me if u want xx

I think there's some sort of conflict that goes on between dad and partner too. I wonder if they feel bad about being happy Infront of the child? In our house sometimes it almost like showing off I think he finds having her here more stressful than I do and lashes out.

Last weekend she chose to go shopping with mil instead of coming to ours after 5 weeks of no visiting - oh was foul all weekend and I ended up making the ex a birthday cake with dsd he wouldn't even help even the ex texted thank u - work that one out!!

Elizabeth you're a saint making a cake for the ex! I think you're right, I've got to accept it as it is, when DSS isn't with us my DP (not so much of the 'D' at the moment!!) is like a different man, affectionate, loving, maybe that's why when DSS is here it's such a dreadful contrast, the atmosphere becomes atrocious, I'm so aware of walking on eggshells, especially by Sunday of a DSS weekend, but it just hurts.... The long view is the one to have I guess....85% of time it's great, about 10% its tough going, 3% extra difficult and 2% hell on earth! Thanks so much Elizabeth, it's good knowing I'm not alone X

Yep, used to. He does still undergoe 'the personality change' when his dc are around. God, I detest it. To me and my kids he is strong, capable, responsible, all those qualities I love. He knows where the coffee is and where the cups are... However around his dc, he is on egg shells, scattered, on edge, forgetful, prickly (ready to argue or defend his children's behaviour to the death)... Thus his kids run rings around him and rage at each other and the guilt/disney parent in him does nothing. This used to cause us massive stress as the parent in me and the girlfriend in me would try to help him... I would like to see the same kind of behavioural standards in his dc as I see (and my ex sees) in my dc. We would certainly enjoy our time with them more, but it's just not to be.

For my own sanity, I've drawn a line under all that involvement. And this is true as well, that the normal physical affection, the tenderness that we show each other goes out of the window when his dc are around. It's as if he trys to diminish our relationship in front of them. It's not nice, because I don't do that to him (and I'm pretty sure if the shoe was on the other foot, he'd be pissed about that) but I just have to accept that's how it is or it will be another thing to argue about which doesn't get resolved. He takes everything re. his own dc as criticism and cannot cope with it, nor implementing rules/consequences. So I just leave them to it and as the previous poster said, 85% of the time is heaven, the rest, well I just detach from him a bit then and focus on my dc and what I want to do.

I would love to be able to draw a line under it, but how do I do that? How did you guys do that? Do you physically withdraw from the same space as the DP and DSC? Do you just count to a million (10 will never be enough!) when the Disney Dad/guilty Dad/ Best Buddy comes out to play??

I want to not be affected by this, but I woke up this morning and couldn't even look at DP after what he said yesterday, so now in theory I'm the one carrying ot on, but I want him to just apologise....which he won't (because he never does, unless its dragged out of him)....so then again, it all gets brushed under the carpet, we'll be ok with each other probably by Thursday and then lo and behold, another annoying weekend with DSS will arrive and OH will be moody / snappy etc. and all I will be able to think about is what he said last night, even though he'll have forgotten (or pretend to have forgotten) all about it..... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm not saying it still isn't bloody hurtful and annoying it is but I've made the decision that it's driving me mad and can't live like it..

My oh isn't good at apologising either but if he said that to me I would make him well aware of it carrying it on or not. I would send a text today saying that I don't want to argue anymore but I'm really hurt about what he said. See what he comes back with. He does need to take some responsibility you aren't his punch bag! Regarding the rest of it it depends what you can put up with..

Me and dsd get on well so if we are at home I will try and avoid the flash points of dsd being bored and tend to chat to her/ bake etc. also organise something to do so your going somewhere and not at home sniping. If dp and dsd are really annoying me I go upstairs and read or something dsd normally follows me but il not sit and be in the middle of it if I can help it.

I refuse to discuss dsd in the week in negative terms or the ex if at all possible. I've explained if she's coming I'm not going to wind myself up about it as he never actually takes any action conversations are pointless.

There's no great solution but over time things have got better in our house if I'm talked to badly Infront of dsd she will say my dads rude etc she knows he's making a dick of himself!! Sadly it's the nature of it if we didn't care we wouldn't get pissed off.

Have you thought of them joining a drama group or swimming lessons etc? We did this it breaks up the weekend and dad can take them!!

I honestly don’t think my DP knows he is being any different until I mention it. Then he is genuinely surprised.

I think that he has an idealised view of what weekends should be like and the reality just doesn’t live up to it, which makes him frustrated. He loves his dc, but as they get older they are more and more influenced by their Mum and her family and he feels like he doesn’t really know them (or even like them sometimes) which again makes him frustrated. They are much better behaved than they used to be (when I’m around) but as soon as I’m out of the picture then it descends into chaos because he can’t parent them without back up from me and they take advantage of this weakness, so he feels constantly on eggshells waiting for them to misbehave or kick off. He is constantly worried that they will feel left out or hard done by (or God Forbid tell their Mum they are) so he feels the need to ‘fight their corner’ over ridiculous petty things which gets my back up because it causes problems which aren’t otherwise there. He is scared to show me too much affection around his DD in case she gets jealous too which makes him behave differently towards me and then I back off and go away, which gives him the hump because I’m excluding myself, and of course when I do that they start acting up!
So all these things add up and cause him to take out his frustrations on me, the one person who is on his side and wants to support him.
I do think that many non resident Fathers don’t know what their role should be in their dcs lives, and when the Mum doesn’t want him to have any role at all it is virtually impossible for them. If they are too soft (Disney) then the dc become spoilt and horrid yet if they are too strict the dc will tell their Mum and won’t want to come again. Add into the mix the stepmum and other dc and it’s a bloody minefield.

Couldn't have said the above better! That's exactly what happens at ours. He doesn't like her and she is becoming mini ex in clothing, mannerisms and values which are a long way from ours. Ex thinks our role is child care and money when it suits and this can mean weeks without and then weeks with.

I feel sorry for dsd as she finds it two totally different worlds and really doesn't want to come to us anymore ..

Great advice and probably bundles of truth in those posts Elizabeth and Kaluki. I know DP loves me and to be fair, on the weekend that DSS comes, if he finds it difficult anyway, which he clearly does he probably feels inadequate as a dad as it is, without me pointing it out to him that he is being difficult towards me or seems to be struggling.... Its difficult to empathise at all times, it always seems so unfair to me when I look at it from my point of view, but yes, I think it was Kaluki who said it, if I withdraw to avoid being irritated then DP can't see that I'm withdrawing because I'm being excluded, so it's me excluding myself!

It's tiring always having to make exceptions for behaviour and always being the odd one out, to be honest thought the reality probably is more that the DP feels like the odd one out because things should be easier for him but they aren't.....so why can't I rationalise all this when the red mist descends!!!

It's so reassuring that other people experience this, and also I've thought the same things you're suggesting as explanations...

We all seem to be in the same boat here and I suppose it's easier for our dp's to take out their frustrations on us, because they can, as they are safe and secure in our love and adoration... . They won't do it with the hostile ex and certainly not with the kids, to risk them using the, I hate it here/I'm not coming/I'm going to tell Mum. I'd say, here you go, here's the phone... should you wish to coming next week, bring some respect and manners with you!

And I've gone from feeling excluded (I was really) to detaching a bit and excluding myself, which I am happier doing. And I have learnt to say NOTHING negative about his kids, I let him vent and give him a hug and a kiss and that's all, anything negative and then lo! It's an argument.... When his dc play up, it's no reflection on me or my parenting, it's their upbringing and his problem to deal with or not.

And yes, it's shitty when you feel your dp is not there for you. But he is in every other way, it's just that where his dc are concerned, he cannot see the wood for the trees, so I have to forgive him that in order to move forward.

Do you guys ever feel like you're actually in some weird kind of competition with the DSC? I certainly used to, it felt like (still feels like!) theres not enough love / affection / attention / interest in DP to go around.... I've now stumbled on the whole, he's just an idiot when his DC is here, but it makes it feel like you're just a replacement for the DSC, as in you're fine for amusement etc. when the DSC isn't there but once the little dictatorial SC arrives, its a bit 'meh' towards you....!

No not competition.. My irritation used to be that I worked bloody hard all week very long days so had about 2 hours a night adult time then come the weekend when I was knackered I had a miserable oh and dsd the whole time when I just wanted to relax asking me what was happening next!!

Especially being pregnant I'm rather more sensitive than usual and exhausted so working all week for a miserable weekend isn't fun!! I used to look forward to going back to work!!

Don't get me wrong it's far from perfect but if I've arranged activities so we are doing something out of the house and I've not got involved with ex or dsd bashing I can just about cope! Now if dsd starts being bored making going home signals I ask her straight and if she wants to go take her oh for some reason was obsessed with making her stay the whole 48 hours like perjury !! Funnily enough she started not wanting to come!!

I sometimes get resentful when they've gone home and he's back to normal with me like he's just suddenly remembered who I am!
The petty side of me feels like telling him to piss off and I have had a oh at him about it but it doesn't change so I suck it up and be glad that for the next 11 days he will be my lovely DP again!!!

I know kaluki, it feels a bit 'oh, I'm good enough for you now am I' well eff off because that's pathetic behaviour!PPlease tell me that with your own (you and DPs bio kids) they're different, as in actual dads not walking atm buddies?!

Can't comment on that one for another 8 weeks till baby but he best be!!

Dsd is very anti baby so more fun to come I'm sure on the other hand I have an excuse to do my own thing.. Without me we will see how they get on alone I'm guessing they won't do so well ... I'm not having the agro Infront of another child so we will see ...

Oh goodness Elizabeth, an anti-baby DSD, how lovely for you to have to deal with....! Hopefully she'll come around when your DC arrives, although I'm sure she will not like the idea of daddy being 'shared', but hey ho, thats how it is! Hopefully your DP will step up so to speak and treat both his DC's like a dad should. It might be the making of DSD!

Lol I doubt she will be very nice I've caught her trying to provoke the dog by throwing things at it when she was feeling jealous but that's a whole other story... Her mothers other 4 'aren't her real brothers and sisters' either apparently...

OH will be ok but as he didn't have any dealings with dsd before she was 5 has no idea about babies at all so I think it's going to be a major shock for him dealing with both! He can't cope with one stroppy 11 year old !!

I've been as supportive as I can be with dsd and done a lot with her but once baby comes along he's going to have to step up and look after her himself which I don't think will be a very relaxing time for anyone!! I'm afraid I won't have time to mediate and be the entertainer so he will have to look after his own child if he wants her here ...

Have a funny feeling that super dad martyr when he actually has to look after her himself at the weekend might want to step down lol!! Good luck MIL I'm guessing she will be getting lots of granddaughter time with dsd..

It'll be a great reality check for him! Will show him how much you currently do when DSD is there, he'll hopefully stop the moodiness when she arrives and be a supportive partner to you and a great dad to your DC and hopefully try to reign in and deal with some of DSD's moods. The over-pandering will surely stop once the new baby comes along!

how2cope - That sounds so familiar! Right down to the DP struggling with the visits. Sorry to hear it's hard, but it is comforting to know I'm not the only one!

We have the same problem with DSD. I am not being melodramatic, every other week she has nits. To the point I've added nit treatment to the weekly shop.

Her mother doesn't treat them. Says wet combing with conditioner is the correct way. It's annoying, I have a DS to.

I have said I'll chop her hair off (it's currently down the middle of her back)

Does feel better that there's others in the same boat!

We picked up dsd yesterday to drop her off at an event I with grandma. Was a good hour and a halfs round trip. We hadn't seen her for nearly two weeks due to holidays she got in the car asked for money for her good school report then got out never saying goodbye, thank u or a word on the journey. We have had a fantastic 8 days away and OHs mood was ruined in seconds.

Went out for a meal with BIL last night apparently she was kissing and cuddling him.. When we dropped him back she didn't even come down to say good night. OH went up and she wouldn't even bother to talk about her day..

We have a whole day of this to look forwards to today can't wait...!! Don't think my school report money will be forth coming without some better behaviour.. Obviously I'm not going to comment on it but il be forgetting my purse!!