Two unrelated things

[rosepetalsoup]

Does anyone else's DH turn really defensive and snipey when the DSC are with you? Mine does, constantly belittling me and arguing with me.

Other issue: head lice!! Ours have them whenever they come and we always treat them. Any advice? They're almost teen -- is it normal? Also is it better for us to not bother treating them as we only have DSC for the weekend? Also, can they get into the sofa etc? I am very not in the know!

No answers really I have this too and it drives me nuts!

I get left doing a lot of the child care tho and me going out alone all weekend would cause I riot!

I tend to suck it up wherever possible but it's not a nice situation for anyone. We are lucky in that it seems we are having a bit less of dsd as she gets older so now it's not all weekend every I've found it easier to let it go - not that it means that sometimes I'd happily bang the pair of their heads together.

Don't know why they think behaving like a moron In front of their daughters is a good look either... Mine wears having her like a cross he has to bare to do the right thing .. Ie she's here and I look after her and he sulks as she's not interested in her dad unless she's getting a gift/ expensive treat otherwise it's all over me as I do cooking etc with her.

She says helpful things like just me and you can do this and that without dad which helps the situation no end.. Role on growing up!!

Oh Elizabeth, I feel your pain! I guess I am just going to have to suck it up, don't even know at this stage what it is that I want from DP! I suppose some acknowledgement that it's difficult for me too when DSS is with us, not just DP! But your description of a 'cross to bare' is exactly correct! It's like, if DP is not whinging about being tired and how much minding a 7 year old (sitting on a sofa watching a tv programme or palying the DS for an alot of the time!) takes it out of him, then he's not a good parent?!

Frustrating as hell! As awful as it is to have to put up with losing your man eow, I'm really glad that I'm not the only one suffering in (near!!) silence! Losing my temper doesn't help, getting upset doesn't help, all thats left is suck it up.....

I also puzzle over the constant moaning -- I think it probably is a bit thankless for the DP/DHs. An emotionally tense time with no 'natural place' for the child to slot in to.

I think, though it's impossible for anyone to admit, that it is probably in its nature a melancholy situation. It is hard to be with a child that is one of yours and not the other's, particularly when you have little practical parenting to do (i.e. can't decide what kind of child they'll be by helping to choose hobbies, clubs, haircuts etc).

The best solution I had found was to think of myself as a kind of gorgeous exotic partner who was grown up and independent and sort of flitted in and out while DSC were there, being friendly but always independent and not at the centre of domestic stuff. That kind of worked until me and DH had kids, and then you are in the monumentally difficult situation of wanting to be normal mum to your own kids but not wanting / being able / appropriate to the DSCs.

rosepetalsoup that's a good way to look at things, I can imagine it's incredibly difficult for our DP's / DH's to know where they fit in, let alone where we fit in, but in our house the 'parenting style' seems to be a whole pile of being 'buddies' rather than a parent, lots of empty threats ('if you don't eat all of your dinner then we can't go to get icecream'....obviously, dinner remains uneaten, follow through....a massive cone!!), a whole heap of buying expensive games etc., lots of DSS dictating what happens during the time with us ('I don't want to go to xxxx,', oh ok then, none of us will....) and lots of DP ignoring moi! I don't want that for any kids we end up having in the future and nor do I want them sidelined when DSS would come to stay....

I guess DP wants his DS to know that he's just as important to DP as I am, but, all it actually does is make me feel like I'm nowhere near as important to DP as DSS is...it's all just so unnecessary!

Thanks goodness for this thread. I honestly thought it was just in our house. 2 DSC - both boys - both lovely, bright children if not a little whingy sometimes but the biggest cild in our house is DP every other weekend. Snappy, borderline aggresive, rude, judgy just generally a very unplesant person. I thought i was going mad. Come 6pm on sunday he's back to his lovely self. I have started dreading those weekends. If i mention it to him he is defensive and argumentative, sort of like i should be grateful that he's included me in their life rather than appreciative of all i do.

Nothing helpful i know as i'm at a loss but you're definitely not alone.

Luckily we haven't experienced nits yet.

Hi Newtothevillage - why do you think they do it? If you were to indulge in pop psychology for a second?

I am usually good at coming up with a few half-baked reasons for these weird things and I can't fathom this one.

Oh goodness, nits would be the last straw at this point! :-o

You're lucky newtothevillage, I have hardly said or had two words from my DP since yesterday, DSS went home at 6, unfortunately the teenager hasn't gone away yet, leaving me my lovely MAN....that said, this weekend I am just done with it all, always having to cajole him around afterwards, always having to be the peacemaker, so if he doesn't want to keep in touch like we ususally do, then, fine, we won't keep in touch....I'm tired and worn out with it and fancy seeing what being a spoilt teenager feels like myself!! (funnily enough, not so good!)

I guess, my worry is that he can't love me when he's willing to be like this to me, can he?? It's comforting that others are in the same boat, although I feel just as sad for each of you as I feel for myself!

Also, just to add, I actually have a really good bond, in general, with my DSS, so much so that my DP's mother thanked me (in front of the whole clan!) for being so good with and to him, to the agreement of DP's sinblings, and she acknowledged that it isn't an easy situation to be in, so if she can see that and say that, why can DP not and why do I feel that DP will NEVER be happy with my relationship with DSS....arrrrghhhhhh!??

rosepetalsoup, the 'why' I believe is due to guilt that they aren't all that involved with the big decisions that affect their child, concern they'll be usurped int he childs affections by the Ex's new partner, and general martyrdom!!!!! :-)

in the (oops!)

I sometimes wonder if the presence of the DSCs makes them kind of regress to the previous family situation, in which they probably were feeling quite unhappy/annoyed?

Ah yes how2cope, good ideas.

I often wonder if they look at the child and some of their mannerisms and are reminded of their ex? To the point where they project their annoyance / anger at what they did onto their current partner?

Obviosuly they would not be aware of this (and even if they were, would deny it at all costs!)

I have often wondered the why's of it all. Sometimes i think that he gets so frustrated with the kids that he takes it out on me. Not that there is anything to be frustrated about but as it's the only time he has to constantly think about two people other than himself it seems to get the better of him. I also wonder if it's that he isn't having a large enough impact on their day to day life and seeing them only once a fortnight sort of amplifies this. The truth is i genuinely don't know and i get the impression from my attempts to discuss it that he doesn't either. I just hate the atmosphere it creates and i don't want his behaviour to have an effect on the children. And i am the same - i get more respect and appreciation from DSC's mum than DP. sigh

I do feel like giving up frequently.

Well it's also very era-specific isn't it, the whole EoW thing. I mean I remember friends with divorced parents in the 80s (I was young but just about remember!) and they didn't do such ritualistic EoW visits with that set of expectations. The relationship with the absent parent took on its own character rather than simply being an effort to be generic with all the other EoW parent-child relationships out there. I suppose it was less regimented (which allowed lots of scoundrel dads to get away with being crap, but allowed the good dads more autonomy in creating a relationship style?). It's almost like all these dads are stuck in a structural relationship model that is always going to be a bit dismal.

Also I remember 20, 25 years ago things were more flexible in that kids would sometimes go and live with dad for a bit, then back to mum, and not with bad feeling.

All the lingo of divorce was less firm, maybe, and therefore less trapping.

I see what you mean rosepetalsoup, my DP cetainly seems to enjoy the weekday evenings visits where its literally just three hours, it makes it all so much more manageable, if DSS is being trying then at least there's only three hours of interaction, if DSS is being good, then at least in two nights time there'll be another visit to look forward to!

I agree...it's difficult. My DSD and DSS see coming to Dad's as 'fun time', they get to have days out, go to the cinema, have lots of ice cream and sweets, stay in their rooms to play computer games, have sleepovers with their friends here and so on. It's like a mini holiday for them every time they come over and they do dictate what happens. I didn't mind this at first but it's just not practical when they only want to do fun things all the time. It's a massive hassle if we want to go out for the day and they've decided that they want to stay in their rooms to play computer games or watch DVDs.

DSS refuses to come shopping or will moan constantly when we do so we can't go to the supermarket or can only do a quick shop, meaning we run out of food quickly the following week, not ideal when I'm at home with our baby all day. My DP is not a Disney Dad in the sense that the children are never told off and given free reign to do whatever they want all the time, but I know he would rather not argue with them on his weekend so it's easier to give in to them sometimes. He does also like to put me down in front of the kids under the guise of teasing sometimes, no idea why, even they tell him to stop being cruel so he doesn't do it so much these days.

Isn't that so annoying though msevs, that he will only stop the 'teasing' because the kids have told him to, not because you have!

If they could only see how they were behaving, do you think they would change? My DP certainly doesn't have the gift of empathy! Everything is my fault, I'm the immature one, I'm jeaous of my DSS, I'm the one causing a problem when I call him out on ignoring me.....it's exhausting

Yes it is incredibly annoying, but my DP tends to be like this anyway, he never really does or stops doing something because I asked, but if his kids or their mother, even his own mother or sister does the same he takes it all on board. I hate it, especially because I'm supposed to be his partner but he tends not to consider my opinion as much as others in his life. I think my DP knows how he's behaving but he's not going to change.

I think this is fascinating.. My oh finds it infuriating that we have no say at all in dsd in terms of clothes, rules, school you name it. This has actually made me see a few things really differently..

I used to dread dsd coming because of the way the dynamic changes. I used to blame dsd in my mind as it ruined my very happy home life that we have Monday to Friday. She's sulky as she's bored, oh is grumpy and snappy. The only rows we ever have are when she's here and he's being an arsehole or to do with her bloody mother.

Me and dsd on our own have great fun. OH will complain about dsd and the situation and wind me up to hell in the week so I'm dreading it by Friday she then arrives and I can't be annoyed or stressed!!

I thought the anger was at me and he knew subconsciously that I wasn't looking forwards to it. I think it's quite the opposite. I think he's quite jealous of how me and dsd get on in that she wants to talk to me and hang round me as opposed to dad. He' says it's because she can get xyZ from me I've taken her to riding lessons and she will get up at 6 am to not miss me going to the horse. He says how can he and grandparents compete but I think it's just I have no expectation of anything other than normal behaviour and if she acts out she's out! BIL said he thought she really likes me at Christmas and I dismissed it but I think she does..

The problem in our house is that she isn't the child he imagined. She shares no values. He didn't have a relationship with her mother who is rough as hell, doesn't work and the poor kid lives in a different world. At 11 she can't swim and dresses like Rihanna. She's not all that bright and tells very embarrassing lies no matter how many times you talk to her about it to friends and family and I think he despairs. He feels obligated and I think that's the reason for all of it..

We are expecting a baby in September and I think it will be very interesting to see the dynamic then. If he talks to me like crap In front of my child he will be going it alone..

It's really opened my eyes this thread genuinely- loads of food for thought.. Interesting too that so many people have the same problem but it's very sad for the men I think as their children see someone whose manners and respect for others is poor and they don't have quality time as in my experience kids don't respect having no boundaries they want a dad not a friend. My dad is crap and did nothing with us although lived with my mother they really are missing a trick...?!

It feels like you're not his partner in the true sense of the word doesn't it? And it IS difficult being in a step parent role, there's a child, whose mother, regardless of the whys and wherefores of the break up, will, 99% of the time dislike that you exist, there's the child who you have to bond with, never forgetting you aren't the 'real' parent, but when your DO acts like a self centred unhelpful arse on top of that, then makes out that he did nothing wrong, it's just beyond difficult....shouldn't my DP support me, listen to me when I tell him this stuff?

DP, not DO! Frustrated fast typing, apologies!

I don't even bother say it's it's pointless.. I did say last weekend that I'm not discussing dsd in negative terms or the nightmare ex anymore it winds me up to hell and means I get wound up for the next visit..

This has been observed but it's our weekend this week which I'm sure will be a misery.. Instead of doing the few hours we discused with dsd so she's not bored oh is taking no notice and insisting on dragging her here all weekend which she doesn't want to do. She will sulk he will be fowl and I will be piggy in the middle... We are at my anti natal class on Saturday so any enjoyment from that will be lost too..

I'm taking the long view 90% of the time we are fine the time with dsd is 60/40 a nightmare but she's making her own life now so I don't think it will be for a lot longer.

I think they are very selfish generally and don't see us as any part of the equation! One day in a rage I said I didn't sign up for all this I chose u not full time us 3. He won't even admit having her here isn't great but he clearly doesn't enjoy it when she is arrggggh!!

Have just tried to talk to him, but no joy, I've been told to leave if I want, that he does nothing wrong, that he loves dss more than me....am in floods of tears....what the hell can I do, I can't picture the future with him at all right now, so unhappy and it's like he doesn't care one bit.

I'm sure he doesn't mean it.. My OH doesn't do talking about dsd at all he either walks away or ends the conversation and gets very defensive. It's a topic he only wants to discuss as on his terms. Sounds like he knows something isn't right but rather than confront it he's pushing you away..

I'd be devastated and very hurt if my oh said that to me too it's an awful cruel thing to say. Maybe have some time just to think it over. What was it you said before he said those things?

On loads of occasions I've wanted to run away screaming and sure I will again it's a really really tough