Never know whether ss is coming or not...

[MummyA1984]

Am I unreasonable to want to know when ss is visiting? My husband does chase up to find out each time he's due to come but only when I really get on at him find out. We rarely see him as his mum continually stops contact and we gave up with courts a couple of years ago when the costs were spiralling out of control.

We've only recently started to see him again which changes from one week to the next depending what babysitting she needs. It's hugely unfair on ss, dh and our children and I think on me too (especially as I'm literally about to drop with dc3),

I'm so fed up of not knowing if we're having him from week to week, however i can't cause a fuss can I?

For me I'd want to know if ANYONE was coming to stay at my house for a weekend regardless of who they are. We have no where for him to sleep so ds has to move in to dd room if he does stay, so it does cause minor uproar plus we plan things in advance - we had tickets to take the kids to something the other week which were seated tickets so couldn't just buy an extra one. It just frustrates me. Anyone got any advice? If we tried to lay down the law and say we need to know by the Monday whether he's coming on the weekend she'd just ignore it and decide on the Friday anyway but I can't expect dh to say no can I and not see his son? Someone tell me the answer.....

Don't have the answer but we have the same problem it sucks..

We have talked to daughter and come to the decision that Thursday is the cut off day and if we don't know by then we aren't picking up.

For the first couple of weeks there might be stale mate but ex likes to dump dsd when it suits her and she is actually playing the game. No to this weekend (OHs birthday so shame) yes to weekend after. The amount of times things have been changed or cancelled is untrue but we are trying this to see if it works....

Yeah I think I'm going to have to at least suggest it to dh but I feel I'm putting pressure on him then to turn down seeing his son which I'd never do if I could only see my kids certain times. It's so hard. It's disrupting dd too now tho and she has had to deal with a lot over this from the day she was born bless her. She now wants to know what's happening - is this random stranger you tell me is a brother visiting or not!? :-( Feel so bad no matter what I do seems wrong to someone. Thanks for your reply. If nothing else it's nice to just speak to someone who gets what I'm feeling.

It's absolutely rubbish but the adult does have to take control of the situation. We have a lot of dsd age 11 ruling the roost but OH is the parent not her.

It's been made 100% clear to her that her rooms here, she's always welcome if it's once a week, fortnight or every night but it's about being fair and letting us know. She's being treated in a mature fashion and we are hoping that will make her take some responsibility for getting back to us. The Thursday deadline is so that she doesn't have to say she doesn't want to come and we don't wait around all day not knowing what's happening as ex is terrible at answering the phone or texts..

We are expecting a baby in September and need to know what is happening then too so as we can make sure that we are available if we are having her or have child care in place for hospital etc..

I'm hoping that by talking it through with dsd rather than just ex we are reaching an understanding but who knows!!

Well we still have no idea if he's coming tomorrow. I'm in slow labour and 3cm so hoping not if I'm honest! Although slow labour could last a couple of weeks I guess...

It's so annoying. The other week we hadn't seen him for 5 weeks. We're ignored the entire 5 weeks, then on the Friday night at 10pm his grandma text saying pick him up tomorrow 9am! I think it's disgraceful and it does upset me. I didn't even have chance to tell dd as she was asleep. But dh sees it that it didn't alter our plans so it didn't matter, which I guess is partly right but still...

You sound like you have similar issues to us. Definitely plan in advance around when baby is due as it's very stressful. My parents live round the corner and are having our kids but they barely know ss and the ex gf has accused all sorts of people of things including interfering with ss which ended up with social services involved, he was interviewed and was completely non the wiser to anything they were on about. She made it up entirely based on a kid pulling ss shorts down by accident at a party whilst on a bouncy castle.... So I'd NEVER let my parents have him even now he's older. I'd never put them in a position where THEY could be accused of anything even if it was not giving him a drink or being mean or something stupid. It just isn't fair on anyone. So cutting a long story short we'd have no one to take ss if I needed to go in and I tend to labour quickly...

If you're already in labour, then I hope that it would be a very definite "no" to any last minute requests to have him this weekend???

Only slow labour... Mw said it could go on 2 weeks!!

Given that your dh actually has very sporadic contact with his son I think you really have to grin and bear it unless you want to take it back to court.

It's not fair of course, it's totally unreasonable but the only other "choice" you have is to see even less of him.

Not right this second of course. Grin and bear it in general, not during labour.

Yeah that's what I think ^ at least they don't ask for him to come at the drop of a hat every other day - or tell us...

I would hate to pressure dh into saying no unless it's a time where we have something on ss really can't come to and the only option is us cancelling what we have planned... If that made any sense. It's just so frustrating but like u say I think it's something I'm going to have to put up with. The only thing that still troubles me tho us dd being unsettled about it. She really likes to know what's happening and when and she's had to put up with a lot I feel. She does complain about ss and often asks if he's coming and when I can't tell her until 1/2 an hour before I think that's quite unfair...

I know there probably is no answer which will keep everyone happy x