DSS coming to stay.

[tryingtoprepare]

I've name changed as this could out me and don't want DP's ex to know my usual NN....

The short version is that DSS's mum has text DP this week to say that when he collects DSS on Saturday she doesn't want him to go back.

Background..... DP has 2 DS. They come and stay most weekends and for longer periods during the holidays. We don't have much space at the moment as house move has fallen through but have maintained contact, just not been able to increase it. Ex says that DSS1's (16y) behavior is awful, he is abusive to DSS2 and her. The police have been called and she has tried to label DSS as autistic, dispraxic etc over the last year but has never had this properly diagnosed. However, DSS has never been anything but well behaved here. Never says a bad word about anyone, gets on with everyone in the house, does as he is asked, absolutely no problem at all! I am not by any means saying that she is lying as I am sure he can be trouble sometimes, most teenagers are, and they seem to have very different personalities and this may be why they don't get on so well....nothing to do with me really, but just thinking and typing! So, DP is picking him up on Saturday and he will be staying her for the foreseeable future. It will be hard space wise, but there is not much we can do about that.

Anyway, I am after some advice really.....practically, I am trying to make as much space for him as possible, making sure I have things he likes to eat and drink in etc. I don't want to bombard him as soon as he arrives with a list of rules, but equally I want to start as we mean to go on and let him know what our expectations are while he is living here. Does anyone have any experience of this and can offer some thoughts or advice on anything I can do? I feel so sorry for him, and am thinking that we will wait until sunday evening to have a chat about things, but don't know what to say! Something needs to be said I am sure. DP is not much help as he is clueless about stuff like this, so any help would be very much appreciated!

Does he know he's staying?

Maybe that's where your conversation starts, ask him how he feels about that?

At 16 I was probably not very nice to my mum either, I expect she was just being a mum, and I was fighting against anything that resembled being treated like a child, such as being 'mothered'.

By all means mention the space and why that means stuff has to happen (like being tidy) but I'd hold off on laying down a list.

Perhaps you can do it subtly? Like when he goes out ask him what time he's planning to be back and mention it would be good if it was by x time because of.... Or if he wants to eat or use soemthing just add something to teh response - yes, but don't eat the last one, put it away after etc etc

His behaviour doesn't seem unteen, once he's settled with you it may start with you too, if you can start off with treating him as a trainee adult, have adult conversations with him and involve him in family life you might just watch him mature into a young man.

OP, you've said he is respectful when he's with you. I would start from that point, and not assume he is something other. But, it's important that you and DH open up an honest conversation with him about why he is there and allow him to talk about what's been going on. Then, I would have a sit down with all of you, stating this is a new situation so ground news need to be set, without any assumption that he will behave poorly in the future, but being clear about expectations and consequences.

I agree with getting be honest about why he is there and then say you are not judging or taking sides but that you expect his behaviour to be as ot always has been when with you.

I would talk to him aboitbwhat he thinks the rules should be and then work together to create a set of house rules. We did this with my dsc's when we moved to our new house and for the most part has worked brilliantly

Thank you all very much for the great advice. Had a good talk with DP last night about expectations and rules so that we are both able to be consistent and know what each other thinks.

He has spoken to DSS who knows he is coming but hasn't really said much else. So I think a chat about why he is there and that we expect how he usually behaves to continue and then just mention other things as they come up like Buzz suggested.

Thank you all again...great to know I'm not alone whilst this is all happening. It feels very quick and I like to have time to get my head round things and think it through!