Feeling a bit down with it

[WestEast]

So we have my DP's daughter over for the night, not an issue, she's a lovely girl who I like spending time with.
But I feel that I'm ready to start a family of my own with my DP and it just makes me feel so sad that he's done it all before, that if we do start a family it'll all be old hat because he already has a child.
At the same time I know I'm being bloody stupid, but I just can't shake the feeling of sadness.
This is normal step mum feelings isn't it?

I don't think there's such a thing as old hat when it comes to babies. Does he seem excited by the prospect of starting a family with you, that's more important than when whether he's done it before.

Two different experiences from me, my ex-husband has two children and I was their step-mum for ten years. In the end he couldn't bring himself to go through it again. I have re-married and my DH has two grown-up children - he couldn't wait to do it again and is unstoppable in his enthusiasm. It's not the 'done it before' that is the issue.

Can you talk to him about how you feel? Best not when the little girl is there, as you wouldn't want her to pick up on the conversation and secondly for him to be defensive.

Good luck!

Thank you :)
We have talked the idea of having children's ourselves though and he is positive about it, although he said he would be happy either way as he already has his daughter. I think him saying that is what's giving me these worries as, just as he says, he already has the child he wants, would one with me be just as loved by him?

I thought this as my husband has two. Believe me, it's still as exciting for them and it was like it was all new to him x

My DH has 3 kids. When we met I thought I couldn't have children, as doctors had diagnosed me with PCOS and fibroids, plus other complications.

So for me when DH said he was happy not to have any more it was a relief to be honest, it meant that he wouldn't put pressure on me.

But when I did amazingly get pregnant and was in shock for about 2 months he was over the moon.

And as he had previous experience he was able to step up right away and cared for me amazingly well during pregnancy. The proof of the pudding was his face when DS arrived. You can't fake that kind of emotion (and I have the photos to prove it).

He knuckled down with the winding and nappy changing like a pro too. I can't imagine how useless and stressful it would have been with two inexperienced people dealing with a newborn.

And I'm sure most parents with multiple kids love the second as much as the first, don't they?

I wonder if he is just trying not to put pressure on you?

I feel your sadness believe me, I felt exactly the same when I was pregnant with our dd, I kept thinking he's done all this, witnessed the miracle of life starting out, he won't feel the same... Then someone told me you never love any other kids like u love your first (the guy who said it is a total but nevertheless it filled me with fear and sadness)!!

I spoke to my husband about how I felt at the time and I can honestly tell from his reaction that to him it was even more special and important that this time his baby was made through love, with the right person and and he was going to get to be a full time part of this babies life. It's completely different. Our kids are there every day to welcome him home from work with a big cuddle and kiss, wake him up with a cheeky grin every morning... Honestly having been there myself I can assure you it won't feel like a negative. Plus we are now expecting our third and in my own experience now I can truely say hand on heart that each time has felt like the first despite the kids being close in age (3, 2 and due in July). They're all as emotional and wonderful experience as each other and we adore them all equally (as any normal person does!)

Try not to dwell on your oh past if you're sure he's the one for you and especially if you're lucky enough to have a happy relationship with his daughter then don't let it ruin a really happy time.

My husband embraced being a dad even more with our kids because he knows how it felt being pushed out all the time or only being allowed certain contact with ss. He's never been to ss school, never seen him on Xmas day or birthday... It's not what being a dad is supposed to be like is it.

Also do tell your oh how u feel

Our DD is 7 and we have a happy family unit, plus 2 when the DSC's are here.
But, I recall thinking that it wouldn't be the same for DP as it was for me, as DD was my 1st and his 3rd. I was right and it's been less than ideal at times, but we've come through those now.
It won't be the same for you as him, but as with step-families, that comes with the territory and it good in it's own way.

This bothers me as well, and I have just given birth to our first child a few weeks ago. I suppose it didn't help that his ex and I gave birth at the same hospital since DP told stories about his first two children's births, not what I wanted to hear, let alone after giving birth myself. It made it feel much less special for me. Plus I wanted to breastfeed but couldn't and he kept talking about how his ex also bottle fed their first, and so on, when our circumstances were different. I think he was only trying to help but I really didn't want him to compare my experience to hers.

I thought I could deal with him already being a father but giving birth to our child has made me realise how sad it makes me to realise he's shared such an intimate and life changing experience with another woman. They became first-time parents together. I only wish I had realised how much it truly affects me before I had a child with him myself.

Mummya1984 - I hope you never let your step kids hear what you just wrote.

His other kids do not get to see him everyday, wake up with him, see him on xmas day, birthday - maybe they want to and he adults need to grow up on all sides and regardless of how good and superior that obviously makes you feel - his other kids deserve a bit more respect than you have just conveyed. Their conception is not their fault and they deserve and have as much right to THEIR fathers time, love and attention that yours do.

Comments like yours sadden me, for what my DCS have to experience from their step mum - who makes them feel exactly as you have just articulated.

I don't see what's wrong with what mummy1984 said. Her dp has missed out on a lot which he now gets to experience with their children together. It's a fact.

I'm not intending to have any more DC as mine are now older and it's a joy having independence again. However, the thought of a child with DP who was 'ours' would be very special and I would be very excited. I'm sure your DP feels the same.

I think what Mummya wrote summed it up quite well - yes, through no fault of the sc, they too have missed out. I know before I had my dd, my dh genuinely didn't think he had missed out on much with his other dd (ie dsd). Since dd has been born, there have been many many bittersweet moments where it has hit home just how different things are this time around, and how much he did in fact miss the first time around. Honestly, the man's an emotional wreck

And also yy to unintentionally comparing to the ex - had to explain to dh that, yes, I know you're trying to help, but it is hard to hear some of what you have to say, particularly when it's a sentence that begins with "exp did it like yada yada yada"

Their conception is not their fault and they deserve and have as much right to THEIR fathers time, love and attention that yours do.
I see nothing in Mummy's post that suggests otherwise. She's talking about her DH's feelings of being pushed out of/missing out on his children's lives. Nothing of what you are projecting there.

OP, this comes up a lot on this board, so I think it is a pretty common worry of those who have not yet had their first child.
I worried about it a bit, too - and I'm another one to tell you, it wasn't the case AT ALL.
My DH says he enjoyed new parenthood more this time around, because he felt more relaxed about it all - simply a product of experience and age - and he enjoyed seeing his older children interact with their much younger sibling.
As for my experience, he never showed a lack of enthusiasm about any of it, and has been a great, extremely hands-on dad, and once DD was here, I never doubted for a second that he was anything but completely overwhelmed with love and excitement about her. :)

I will say that I was very straight with him at the start and let him know directly that I really didn't care how he and First Wife had done things, I was going to make my own choices and my own mistakes and that I was looking forward to doing so! He took that on board and wasn't making the constant comparisons or giving advice based on how they'd done it. He was happy to let me make the decisions about most of our DD's care - whether I wanted cloth nappies or disposable, how long I was going to BF, how I'd respond when she cried...basically, he just let me have the experience, IYSWIM.

I want to have my own child soon and can totally sr where OP oscoming from. I am worried that he won't be all that interested as he has done it twice before but we spoke about it and he says he will be excited because it will be a different situation and while he lives his kids he won't love mine any more or less. So I find comfort in that.

What did annoy me however was when he said that his DD would love having another siblings to 'boss about' I was slightly defensive. I know / understand that my child will have 2 older siblings and it's par for the course but I am genuinely more concerned that they will take advantage or how they will react to a new born. I think it's important or them to understand that they have had dads undivided attention and it's new baby's turn for a wee while but they won't be left out. I also think his kids will find it hard because their mum prob won't like them being involved or let them be excited about getting a brother or sister.

I think your feelings are totally valid but if DP loves you and you get on with his chil already then you are half way there. Ok he has done it before. But he hasn't done it with you. He will be just as excited xxx

Thanks everyone. We talked last night, he knew something was unsettling me but we waited til DSD was asleep, I was a snotty, tearful mess. I told him that I worried that when we have children they wouldn't be as special as his DD, he looked at me as if I were daft and told me he'd love them exactly the same, then he just hugged me. I explained and we talked. He's not the most 'talks about his emotions' type of bloke and he doesn't totally understand why I was feeling like I was, but he tried to and I love that.
So you guys on here, thanks :)

Aw good,glad you could talk. It is important. All parents love all their kids to the ends of the earth whether you have 1 or 1000.

Thanks, glad most people understand what I meant. Yeah I agree ^^ I'd be really pee'd off if dh compared or told me to do something she had but then I know he thinks I'm a great mum but his ex gf really is an awful mum :-/

I am 20 weeks pregnant with my first, and dp has 3 dds.

Sometimes I get a bit upset that this isn't his first time and it's not all new to him and I worry I won't be able to figure it out myself because he'll know it all.
But then I remember that on the other hand it means that I get to do things my way a bit more and he's happy letting me get all excited and buy things i want etc which is great :p

And he didn't get to experience it all properly with the other 3, with the twins they'd broken up before she found out she was pregnant and she didn't want to try being together and with dsd 3 they broke up not long after she was born. So he gets to go through all of this properly with me :)

I feel exactly the same. I too worry about my dp not feeling the same excitement and newness as me as he already has two dc a boy and a girl. But on the plus side he has had his children part time from a very early age and has missed a great deal. As mummy has said, there are plenty of things that your dp will do first with your dc that he hasn't with his other child.