Feel a bit inadequate

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

Since joining mumsnet I can't help bit feel from reading posts that I am not doing a good job of being a stepparent.

DP has always praised how well I get on with his kids and the situation we are in.

But recently reading some previous posts I just feel a bit inadequate or that I am overly involved with my DPs children.

We have the kids 7 nights out of 14 so we all have to live together and let's face it not always in harmony.

I try to leave discipline up to DP but sometimes he is not around and by the time he is the money has passed. So we agree that on these occasions i can tell the kids off or send them to their room. Whatever's appropriate really.

I try my best to keep everyone happy and quite often make myself unhappy in the process. I notice from some posts that a lot of step parents talk about detaching from step children and remembering they are not ours etc - I find that incredibly difficult to do. These kids are such a big part of my life now it's impossible to not love them and not want what is best for them. How can I possibly detach? I want to be involved in their lives and go to shows and dance competitions and football games - it's as if because we are step parents we shouldn't care as much a real parents. Or at least that is the impression I get from some members.

DP has noticed I am differnt the past few weeks - I was trying to do what the advice on here tells me to do and in the process ruining my relationship with DP and his kids.

I think it's fair enough to come here for a bit of support and it's great when people agree and give advice. But really I think we should all be doing what best suits our families and situations. It's to easy for outsiders to judge without the big picture.

I know that on here is people's opinions and how they would handle situations but I think we all need to be more constructive when leaving comments and advice. I have noticed some of late that are anything but constructive or helpful and I find this sad for the OPs who genuinely have an issue which upsets them.

I can't help but feel that if I am not doing what people on here are saying is best, then I am an inadequate parent/ person in someone's life.

End rant - sorry for the garble. Xx

Oh blimey, you sound like a lovely step mum and think you should follow your instincts and go back to how you were.

Why on earth would you change after reading stuff on here?

I would be really happy if my ex had a partner that treated my dc so well.

Please do what comes naturally and go back to hpw you were!

If it works for you then stick with it ,everyone's advice is going to be different.
I get on with my stepkids ,but am by no means a "mum" to them. They have a mum ,they know that ,and even when they're with us they know they're mum is just up the road to help with anything they need. I got called a "stepmum " from hell because of this view. But ,it works for us so don't take it personally. It's not as if I refuse to help them ,wash their clothes ,cook them dinners every now and again etc... I just don't class them as my own ; doesn't mean I treat them like shit like some perceive it.

Thanks - I'm definitely going back to how I was. I just felt I was doing stuff wrong (having never been a parent) from reading stuff on here and really I should just be doing what works for us. I feel so silly letting this site get to me so much.

Xxx

Definitely different strokes.

Each family will be different, whether they're step families or not and if you think about what a step family could be, there's a few different types. It will make a huge difference based on how each original family unit came to an end, how often the child sees the bio parent in the step family unit, whether the bio/step parent has other children, whether the step parent has children living with the bio parent of the step unit etc etc. And that's before you even start thinking about compatible personalities and parenting styles.

I haven't met my DHs children yet (long story) but should be doing in the next couple of months and I hope to be the way you are. My DH is very involved with my children. If a stranger came to our house, you wouldn't know that he wasn't their dad even though they see their dad on a regular basis. DH has worked that magic balance somehow!

Sometimes it's necessary to detach as a stepparent. I think it's a fortunate situation where there is little resistance from the child and you have a supportive, non-Disney dad. It sounds like you're doing great, keep it up :)

Surely you can see that every situation is different and you should match the advice given to your own situation. You are lucky that your DP (and presumably his ex wife) are supportive of your role as stepmum and you all agree on parenting and discipline. Some of us aren’t so lucky.

Nobody on here has said ALL stepmums must detach and not treat their stepchildren as their own but when you have to juggle children of your own, an obstructive ex wife, a Disney dad and step children with no boundaries or respect for the adults in their lives then there are times when detaching is the only thing you can do to keep you sane.
Don't feel inadequate - feel grateful that you don't have to put up with some of the things you read about on here.

OP, I have never been able to really "detach" - it wouldn't work in my situation (kids fulltime, no mother in their lives, the particular financial and logistical arrangements in our home...). I do also feel genuinely that I am raising these kids, and that makes detachment not a possibility for me.

I have always found it frustrating, too, to be advised to "detach" in situations where doing so would actually make my life harder, not easier.

At the same time, there are areas of their upbringing which I agree are not my responsibility and which I leave to my DH. I think the secret os figuring out the appropriate balance - which is going to vary enormously from one household to the next.

If there is one thing I wish people would realise about blended families it is that every family is different, and that there is no one "right way" for us as stepmothers to relate to our DSC. There are so many factors, such as age of kids, nature of split in family of origin, temperaments of all involved, other family dynamics, realities of people's work commitments...oh, just all sorts of things. I hate when people condemn a poster for not toeing the line, when usually they are doing their best in a hard situation and seeking constructive advice.

I appreciate everyone different. I try my best to keep the kids happy - they are most important. DPs ex is a lot to be desired - I think she is finding it harder that he has moved on. I think she thought it would be her playing families with a new man and he would be alone. So she is quite bitter and spiteful- this causes a lot of issues between me and DP but we are always on the same page and it's more issues of frustrations than anything else.

I think it's great to see step parents being involved.

I think the advice to "detach" is usually given to people who've found themselves in situations that are just imposible otherwise - when they're not allowed to parent or discipline the children, but expected to live with them. Really hard, so it's the only way out.

If your DP is OK with you telling them off, then it's fine. And definitely fine to go to school plays, etc. I get involved in all sorts with mine, and DH and I very much parent all the kids (his and mine) as a team. I couldn't imangine it working any other way - for us that is. As *brdgrl" says, every family is different so you need to work out what works for you.

The only thing I think you should detach from, if DP's ex is difficult with you, is direct communication with her about the DCs. Leave that to your DP.

I have been with DP for almost 3 years and never had so much as a hello from the ex. So anything relating to kids goes between DP and her. I just give DP an earful when ex is appearing unreasonable. Which is a wee shame because I know he feels like me on most occasions. But if he doesn't do what she wants then he doesn't see kids which is just plain awful for him. So sometimes I just need to suck it up. Being a stepparent is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. But still fun. Like all families we have ups and downs. And like you all at it's finding a balance that works. I can't wait till I have a child of my own but I worry how it will affect the dynamics of our lives and how / if it will affect the kids. Cross that bridge if and when we come to it. Xxx

I have been with DP for almost 3 years and never had so much as a hello from the ex. So anything relating to kids goes between DP and her. I just give DP an earful when ex is appearing unreasonable. Which is a wee shame because I know he feels like me on most occasions. But if he doesn't do what she wants then he doesn't see kids which is just plain awful for him. So sometimes I just need to suck it up. Being a stepparent is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. But still fun. Like all families we have ups and downs. And like you all at it's finding a balance that works. I can't wait till I have a child of my own but I worry how it will affect the dynamics of our lives and how / if it will affect the kids. Cross that bridge if and when we come to it. Xxx

alwaystrying - do what you were doing, you sound like you have it about right and would love you to be my kids step!

When my kids are with the EX and his DP, I would expect them to live by the rules of that house - I accept his DP telling them off if they were naughty just like her own kids, I would not accept physical punishment by her.

What I do not want is my kids coming home telling me that:-

• "she" said hello and then did not speak to them, other than to tell them off or whinge about me, for the whole weekend,

- "she" said that she only cooks food her kids like and if they do not clear their plates - then no pudding and straight to bed. ( in the last 6 sleepovers - they have had chilli for tea - my kids hate chilli - hence no pudding and bed) - them going to bed at 1900, whilst her kids ( same age bracket) stay up an hour later because it is their home, ( this one may be chilli related!) - being told that evenings are for her and their father to have some time on their own without the kids annoying them - sorry, his kids had 10 over nights last year - are you so effing sad that they can not have some time with their Dad for 10/365 days of the year - insisting that if they go out they do it altogether and so simple little childhood Dad/child pleasures get diluted even further for my kids, eg, being carried on his shoulders had to go 4 ways and my DCS went last, so by then his shoulders were knackered and little one got told to get down as Dad now tired and she wanted to hold hands! -being told that she does not wash their clothes, because Dad pays me to do that for them -being told that he gives me so much money, they can not afford a holiday or all the things I do with them and they are suffering

If that is detaching as far as this forum is concerned - then do not do it!!

I can't recall having seen any of those things suggested as forms of "detaching" whatever

Whatever - I totally agree and would hate for the kids to go home complaining to their mum about me. I try my bet to be everyone's friend and so will revert back to my old ways and just do what I know and what is acceptable of my DP. As he says it's our house our rules and ex knows this I think. I think her reactions are more her own insecurities than anything I am doing right or wrong. If DP is happy with our family unit and how it works then I really houldnt be trying to idolise or take heed from some of the advice on here. Although it is good to let off some steam here because DP has no clue how i feel where as some of you do. Or can at least sympathise / empathise xx

I try to make everyone happy but end up making myself unhappy

This is what stood out to me in your post op, it that why you were detaching? Sorry if I've misunderstood

Mums rush - I just always try to please people. I fun it incredibly hard to detatch and reading posts on here I felt like maybe I shouldn't be as committed to the kids as I am ur making everyone else happy but me so I suppose I was trying to detatch so I could have some me time. Which I realise now are 2 different things. Xx

alwaystrying - you can not make everyone happy all the time in any family. Tonight one DC wants to watch the football and the other wants to watch spongebob and I want to watch the news!!

I work on a, DC1, DC2 then me and rotate - then it's fair

As for detaching - purpleroses - read some of the "detach" and let him parent posts, detach and no you do not need to do this and that. MY eldest (10) was the one, who said to me - it is like she is detached from us Mum, she dictates but does not interact - it as if we are not there unless she wants her own away!

I'm sure you're doing everything right from what you've posted!

We all have very different situations and step parenting is never the same for any of us!
Some people have difficult dsc and a dp who doesn't try or can't make the situation better, these people take a step back and try not be too emotionally Involved with their dscs.
Some people live ft with their dscs and treat them like their own, and even Co parent - my dsd has been abused by her mum, lives with us ft and I am basically her mother figure.

Most people find their own place in between and it sounds like you have a good balance so keep it up!

Don't worry about what other people are doing your situation is unique!

my dh has always said that children need a parent and if I am there it is my job to be a parent. I've no problems with that. please don't try and detach, children need love and if there are more of you to do that then that has to be better for the children. Discipline is a part of love, though I understand that if the children are older when you come into their lives it may take some time for them to accept this from you. Your dh would need to be supportive of your right to love and discipline his dc whether he is there or not. this will help you truly become a family. my dsc have my whole heart and I would completely and utterly disregard ANY advice to detach in any way whatsoever. good luck and I hope your little family flourishes

I think you've misinterpreted it a bit. Sometimes for some SMS the situation has become so unbearable (usually when Disney dad is ruled my silly child/ ex whims) that all you can do is "switch off" but it's sad for the children when this happens as a happy family environment with and engaged step parent (something like an aunt or much older sister) is preferred. Some times also the mum makes it so hard that sm realises the kids will never like or respect her and so detaching can save a lot of heartache. If you are ever left in charge of the children like it sounds you are - you can't possibly detach because you have a responsible role and no child will take kindly to any adult who only disciplines and doesn't care

Personally I pick and choose what I detach from, I'll happily sit and chat with dsd and hear about her day, lend her my hairdrier, watch a film and natter. But I don't get involved when she slates her mum, I don't have an opinion when she fucks up at school, and I no longer lend her money or buy things for her. Unless, say, we go for a family meal and I'm paying for everyone else. I used to take her out and treat her but her behaviour towards me doesn't warrant treats and I realised I was trying to buy her affections so that's stopped. I don't get involved if DH wants to spend his money on her, and I don't give her any advice on her future or friendship problems etc. because I've learnt that anything I say is interpreted as an insult to her insecure mother (it's not, it's just that we're so different that my opinion on something will always be the opposite of Mum's)

Pick and choose what works for you.