abnormal parenting of 11 year old or not?

[clf202]

My other half has 11 year old daughter who lives with him exactly 50% time. I have a 5 year old son (who I have 90%+ of the time) and we live separately currently. Things are going well and we are thinking of moving in together soon. He has a fantastic relationship with my son and I am very fond of his daughter but there are problems. She is allowed to stay up as late as she likes and play computer games all evening. When engrossed on the computer she doesn't engage with anyone (she wear ear phones) and I feel we can't bond because of this. When we go out at the weekend and she doesn't have her laptop she is delightful and I have had some very nice times with her but not on a weekday evening. (I probably spend one night 1-2 weeks with her as I have my son most of the time and most weekend we spend together as a 4 but not overnight)

However my partner enforces no boundaries at home. He still bathes her, waits on her and she comes into his bed every morning at 4am. She goes to bed 1130-12pm on school nights. There is a general feeling of her every whim being pandered to. She is doing well at school and remarkably gets up at 7am to her alarm and gets herself ready for school. I have never seen very bad behaviour from her. There have been a couple of court cases (the last over one year ago) regarding custody with his ex and he says the laxity in his parenting has been since then. I suspect it has been much longer than this as he is very easy come easy go.

My concerns are that the current set-up is not helping her physically (severe sleep deprivation) and constant computer games is not helping her social development (esp her interaction with me). I am also concerned that if we all lived together this is not the example I wish to set my son. I also think her coming into the bed at 4am is v disruptive for everyone (I have a v responsible job and I need my sleep).

I have brought it up with him and he agrees things are not ideal but says things are getting better and they will inevitably change. I don't think they will unless some boundaries are set soon. Am I wrong in being disturbed that he still bathes her and she sleeps in his bed? She is pre-pubertal currently but we are a similar size and as soon as she enters puberty this could really freak me out.

Please help, I love this man and I don't want this to be a deal breaker but it is very hard to stand by and watch parenting being played out that I completely against.

Well for starters dont move in. Personally the disparity in parenting styles would be a deal breaker for me as you dont have a shared goal with regards to raising dcs. The bathing her is very weird. My 8yo has been bathing himself for 2 years and wouldnt want me in the bathroom with him.

Thank you, its good to know someone else agrees on the bathing thing

I would say that's far too old to still be bathing a child or co sleeping. Is he scared that she won't want to spend any time with him if he ever tries to set any rules or boundaries?

Agree with everyone else. Totally weird - don't move in. You might find if you give it three years just dating but living apart that she becomes properly oedipalised and you can finally blend families though I wouldn't hold my breath

I could understand him perhaps helping to wash her hair in the shower or something (my step daughter is 11 and struggles) but not for a bath. My daughter (10) would love to get in to bed at 4am for cuddles! So I don't think that is especially strange. Maybe because it is with a man that it sounds strange? X

I think any kid getting in the habit of getting in bed with you at 4 am should be discouraged personally. Everyone needs a good nights sleep. That needs to stop BEFORE you move in. I also agree she should be bathing herself. I do think as she hits puberty she will no way want to be naked in front of her dad or get in bed with him so I think this will naturally all stop soon. As it should.

I think you need to agree some cut offs with regards to bedtimes and computer usage and he needs to gradually enforce that - again BEFORE you move in so it doesn't look like you've moved in with your enormous rule book. I think in the long run all these little changes will be positive for everyone but they need to at least appear to come from Dad. Definitely don't move in yet. I think it would be a huge mistake, like u say too it's not a good example to your ds. Also how would he feel waking up every morning with another kid in bed with his mummy? I think my kids would be incredibly jealous, I'd hate that. I think they need to gradually alter things so that you can move in smoothly and it not feel fraught and tense. Good luck and without being negative - don't expect things to go smoothly, being a step mum is so hard! X

Thanks so much for taking the time to write these comments. It's very difficult to know what is normal/abnormal when you don't have an 11 year old yourself but gut feeling is a wonderful thing!

I think it's a combination of her being an only child and only grandchild, Dad being petrified of losing her esp after a couple of court battles and her approaching puberty.

That sad, somethings are acceptable to me and others are not so we will just have to see for a while longer what he is willing to change

I have a 10 year old, and don't seem much of that as as normal. She's probably co-sleep still if she could get away with it, but has been bathing herself for about 3 years, and goes to bed by 9pm at the latest.

Before moving in together DP and I both had to make some compromises - one was my DD (then 8) had to stop coming into my bed at night. She took a few months of being unsettled and needing me to go to her room to settle her, but then she was fine.

An 11 year old is unlikely to be pre-pubesent for long.

There's lots of ways your DP can be close to his DD, whilst still enforcing boundaries and letting her grow up. You can't keep a child young by treating them like a toddler.

Bed before 9 for an 11 year old, 10 at weekends and 11 or 12 on special occasions! Do not move in if he won't agree to this.

My grandson is 10 and sleeps with his Dad when he stays over. I think it's because he doesn't live with him that my grandson really likes this. I don't think it's odd or even too unusual.
I would struggle to live with children who didn't have bedtimes though!

Another one who says don't move in together yet! Frankly, your partner's approach sounds very weird (and I say that as a pretty chilled out parent whose daughter goes to bed fairly late). I think you need to be on the same page and have the same approach, as far as possible, to upbringing, otherwise the relationship will fall apart or you'll end up living separate lives with a child each.

I moved in far too quickly with my now ex-husband. There were a number of issues, but our approaches to parenting where very different and it was a disaster.

Definitely keep separate houses for the time being!

Yes definitely get all this sorted BEFORE you move in else you'll always be the bad cop. But he has to believe in the changes else he won't have the motivation to see them through.
Don't bank on this stopping naturally when puberty hits - little wife syndrome is very common and if that is the issue it will just become worse

I suspect that some Disney type parenting is through sheer laziness - I mean why get up at 4am and accompanying DD back to bed, reassure her, tuck her in when you can turn over and go back to sleep.

It would be hard to suddenly tell DD that sleeping with her is wrong after all this time. Is she menstruating yet? Will he feel comfortable sleeping with her then (just thinking that it is tricky using pads etc at first).

Wait until she has left home would be my advice.

I find the sleeping thing very weird and the bath. Dsd is 11 and never would I have that or would OH. The bathing especially is soooo weird!