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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How can I get over this?

20 replies

impatienceisavirtue · 17/06/2014 20:36

I know it's my issue and I need to be a grown up about it. Openly, in public, I am. Inside, I'm struggling to get past it and I recognise that this will not go entirely unnoticed no matter how hard I try.

I recently had a very traumatic miscarriage. Much wanted baby, had been trying for quite a while and was immediately following a very early and less traumatic but still distressing miscarriage.

I am married, love of my life, fantastic father to his two kids and stepfather to mine. Doesn't Disney parent or undermine me etc etc. exw quite spiteful generally, but such is life.

Last time step kids were here we had a lovely time with them. I really felt like we were making progress.

Step son and DH have the same phone. DH was busy and asked me to check something on his phone.

Went to do it and it opened to a message from stepson (13) to his mother. Laughing about the miscarriage. 'Impatience was really upset lol I just pretended ha ha.' Reply from exw was 'awww bless lol do you want me to ring your dad and have a word?'

They both were seemingly over the moon about the pregnancy in the first place. DSS especially. They both were seemingly gutted when it went wrong.

I know that he was more than likely just saying what he wanted his mum to hear. I know he's only a kid. I do know this. But at the same time I can't unread it, and I can't forget it, and it is there in the back of my mind and I'm now apprehensive about the next time they are here. I know that I was never meant to see the message - not even sure how I did as he usually has a PIN number on it that we don't know - but I can't just get it out of my head as if I didn't.

I know I am over reacting to a degree and it's a subject I'm overly sensitive on which is why I'd be grateful for practical advice to get past it.
Unhelpful posts like I've seen on here that are just hurtful will not be acknowledged - not in the mood, so please don't. I don't want a debate I need help please.

OP posts:

Ratbagcatbag · 17/06/2014 20:40

He's 13, I'd honestly sit him down and tell him how upset you were by his comment, explain how you saw it, so thought you were reading DH's phone, but all in all, now you've seen it, you need to discuss it with him.
It's unfair for him to say to his mum what he did. :( hugs for the miscarriage and seeing such an awful text.

brdgrl · 17/06/2014 21:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. And that this has happened.

I agree with Ratbag. It needs to be discussed.

MummyA1984 · 17/06/2014 21:19

I agree, he's 13 - still a kid but old enough to be accountable for being so cruel. Would your dh allow him to treat his siblings or kids at school so cruelly? I doubt it. So sorry for your loss. I would be v upset by what u read too

MagpieMama · 17/06/2014 21:26

So sorry for your loss

Have you spoken to your DH about the messages? Perhaps you could ask him to speak to his DS? Obviously if you'd prefer to have the conversation yourself then by all means do, but if you'd find it easier then I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your DH.

CountryGal13 · 17/06/2014 21:48

Oh wow, what an awful thing for you to see! I think you need to tell your husband about the message and let him know how hurt you are. It's going to be very hard for you to trust this lad for quite some time I'm sure. I'm so sorry for your losses. You must be heartbroken and this is the last thing you need. Take care of yourself X

CountryGal13 · 17/06/2014 22:17

yoyo27 · 17/06/2014 22:56

Wow I am really sorry for your loads

I agree, tell DP BUT make sure you well him what you want to be said to his son xx

Stampingmyfeet · 17/06/2014 23:08

I'm really sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry you're now going through this. Agree with others that you should tell your DP. I think you're right that he was saying what his Mum wanted to hear.

Also excuse my language, but WTAF was the ExW lolling about and what was she thinking she'd be saying to your DP? She sounds rubbish and the root of the problem.

Alita7 · 18/06/2014 07:46

So sorry for whats happened I hope you get lots of love and hugs xx.

That is a horrible thing to read and impossible to unread but perhaps he's just being a typical 13 year old its probably a very difficult concept for him to understand, maybe he is upset about it but doesn't want to express that outside of your family as it's personal. Or maybe he's just saying what he thought his mum wants to hear? I think this is most likely.

I would definitely tell your dp and see where you can go from there :/

TheMumsRush · 18/06/2014 12:13

So sorry,

Another one here saying you need to tell dp, I'd sit down with dss and tell him how you came about that and tell
Him how hurt you were. (I'd also be texting the ex but that's just me)

nomoretether · 18/06/2014 15:53

I'd speak to DH about it. What if you spoke to DSS and he accused you of snooping? Sounds like the perfect situation for it to blow up than something bigger than it is (and that's not to say you shouldn't be upset about it, I'd be devastated in your shoes).

If the mum is that immature and insensitive, I'd put money on him saying stupid things to make her feel better. Perhaps he knows his mum was hurt that you were pregnant and this sort of thing cheers her up? Absolutely not okay but I can understand how it can happen, having DSC who are manipulated myself. I think it does need to be addressed but I think it would be better coming from DH, at least initially.

I definitely wouldn't approach the mum. No good will come of that.

rosepetalsoup · 18/06/2014 20:44

Hiya - I would have gone instantly silent and numb in your situation but wouldn't have been able to last out the night without telling DH (and probably not in a very calm way). My DH would have been shocked at the child behaving like this and would have made sure they understood and apologised. Tbh though, this would probably have extinguished whatever small flame of love was growing for the DSC in question, permanently.

I'm very sorry for you OP.

rosepetalsoup · 18/06/2014 20:47

Ps I reckon while Dsc are in your house expect of them what you would a child of your own. However bear in mind he may not understand what a miscarriage properly is, and also sometimes kids get the wrong tone when emotions are awkward. I reckon this could well be a positive learning point for him. His mother, however, sounds like a class A bitch

Original poster

impatienceisavirtue · 19/06/2014 08:26

Thank you for the replies and kind words
I did tell DH straight away. It was hard for him too as he was horrified as well, but worse in a way knowing his own son would say something like that.

We tried to speak to him about it and he just shrugged and smirked. Giving him the benefit of the doubt I think he was embarrassed I had seen it. But he offered no apology - didn't force one out of him as if he doesn't mean it, what's the point?

Definitely no point in speaking to his mother whatsoever. She's callous and unpleasant, especially with things like this. She went mental because we had to cancel a trip to Blackpool zoo and couldn't have the dsc at all the day we were supposed to go. This would be because I was in hospital having my baby removed - and she knew this. Her response was 'well you shouldn't have told the kids anyway'. Fair point - but not really the time.

I know step parents get slated for vilifying the mother but I say with all honestly there is good reason for it here. However we just disassociate and try and have as little contact with her as possible because nothing good will come from it, she is incapable of meaningful conversation for the sake of the kids.

What has been said above is unfortunately true - any steps forward or tentative bonds made were extinguished that day. I know it's not their fault that they are learning by someone else's example but I'm human and it really hurt.

What happens if we are lucky enough to conceive again? How on earth am I going to want to tell them knowing what's going on behind the scenes?

OP posts:

rosepetalsoup · 19/06/2014 13:29

Just don't tell them until 12 weeks have passed, as you would with anyone else. That would be perfectly reasonable x

batteryhen · 19/06/2014 13:39

Oh poor you :( Next time you get pregnant don't tell anyone until well after the 12 week point. I had 3 mc so when I was pregnant for the 4th time we didn't tell dsc until 20 weeks.
It was a very hurtful thing to your dss to write and if I were you it woul make me withdraw from him a bit. Possibly not the right reaction but right now you need time to look after yourself and if that means taking sometime to lick your wounds then so be it.
Good luck with your next pregnancy xx

brdgrl · 19/06/2014 14:32

Horrible bitch. I wouldn't tell her at all next time, frankly. And I'd wait until after the 20 week scan to tell DSS. Let him tell his mum.

(By the way, she doesn't have a 'fair point' - it is up to you when you tell the kids, especially given that you are talking about a 13 year old.)

I understand what you mean about it affecting your feelings for DSS. Of course it would. All I can offer there is that, honestly, they change so much in the next few years, and he may surprise you. But the main thing is to make sure you give yourself a chance to heal and grieve. Good luck, do keep us posted. x

neolara · 19/06/2014 14:39

I'm sorry this happened and it must be very hurtful. However, in his defense, I think that your 13 yo dss will have absolutely no idea whatsoever about how horrible a mc can be. Most adults, unless they have been through it, will have will have only a vague idea, so a young teenager will be completely clueless.

brdgrl · 19/06/2014 21:13

I don't think a 13 year old will have a complete understanding, no, most adults don't! But I do think "completely clueless" is highly unlikely for a child of normal development.

And most children are capable at a much younger age than 13 of feeling empathy for others who have suffered a loss.

My mum had multiple pregnancy losses - I was aware of the sensitivity around the subject for as long as I can remember. My stepchildren certainly understood about extending sympathy to others from a younger age than 13!

I think that insofar as the boy requires an "excuse" (and I'm not sure he does, since the OP is really talking about her feelings, not his failings), it is enough to recognise, as the OP has, that the boy is obviously feeling a conflict of loyalties which his mum is encouraging.

BruthasTortoise · 19/06/2014 21:32

I would've went fucking postal - I had a late MC and my DSSs, who were only 9 and 5 at the time, had enough empathy to understand that me and their Dad were sad and that I was ill and they were so kind, full of hugs and cuddles. He's 13 plenty old enough to know not to behave like that. I hope for the sake of the other kids you can get over this x

for you, I am so sorry for your loss.

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