Step-parents opinions gratefully received

[kittyandro]

I have been reading various threads on this site in an attempt to reassure myself with problems I am experiencing. I am not a step-parent but my partner is SD to my little boy (is that the right acronym? Not up to speed yet!)

My DS and I moved in with my boyf about a year ago. He is brilliant with my son in so many ways, tries v hard in bonding with him and supporting me. BUT he is becoming increasingly jealous of my relationship with my son. He is stricter than I am (and I don't think I'm a pushover) but instead of disciplining my son himself, he'll tell me to do it - I know he is scared of being seen as the 'wicked Step Father' which I understand. Sometimes I think he is too hard, expecting my son to behave more like an adult. All he seems to do lately is criticise my parenting, or my son's behaviour (he's a normal 4 year old in my view but boyf thinks he has behavioural 'issues') which I again feel ultimately as a criticism of me.

My boyf lives for our time alone together saying exactly what others have said on this site - that we never had a proper relationship as he inherited my child from the outset. And I believe how difficult it must be to take on someone else's child. But I dread the weekends where the 3 of us are in the house together ? he inevitably ends up angry because my son takes most of my attention. He says it isn't normal for a 4 yo to demand so much of his mum's attention. BUT we do get time alone together, every other weekend when my DS is at his dad's house, and one night a week - which most 'normal' families don't get!

He says I 'baby' my son and have turned him into a clingy little boy. He doesn't seem to 'get' the feelings I have for my own child.

We have talked about getting married and having our own kids (I love him and desperately want things to work and have more children), but now I'm wondering if this will help (ie he will understand the biological parent/child bond) or make things worse (my son will seem like a monster compared to his 'perfect' offspring).

Any thoughts from other step-parents on how I can support these 2 people I love so much and make it work gratefully received thanks!

Babysat 'all Sunday afternoon'?!!!! This is the problem, my dp would NEVER do that. Any time I get without ds i have to spend with him - he says it's 'our time' and it is sacred as far as he is concerned.

DS cried all the way to school this morning and teacher had to peel him off me after about 15mins cos he wouldn't let go of me. I feel awful. I know it's because he's picking up on vibes from me, I'm really ratty and upset - I know my relationship with dp is never going to work. I just can't bear it, I don't want to leave but feel I can't stay.

I thought I'd got it all sorted, found a man who'd be a fantastic step-dad to my son and a great father for any new children that I so want. But it's falling down around me.

DS woke up early (well not THAT early, 6am) on Sat morning because the thunder woke him. He was scared, very understandably. He wanted a cuddle in bed to make him feel safe and didn't want me to leave. Of course I stayed and comforted him, but spent the whole time scared myself that it would put DP into a mood because in his opinion I should tell DS to 'get a grip, he's nearly 5 after all' and each go back to our own beds.

I don't think I can do this and it's breaking my heart.

hi kittyandro.

If you and DP have a good relationship generally, then you may not need to throw it all away. I really think you need to be honest and firm (as you may be already) about how you are feeling about what is going on. It doesnt matter if you are misreading the situation/over reacting or whatever - if you are feeling bad then you need to be talking about it. A compromise can be acheived; and that can only happen with both of you prepared to do that (and a compromise isn't one if either of you are still left feeling resentful or misunderstood; keep working at a comp until you are both actually happy and feeling understood!). We may all have been with people who wanted us to make them happy, or belived that their love for us meant they had 'possession rights' - not true. If he loves you thats upto him - you don't owe him 'sacred' time, if you are not feeling that that is necessary for you.

Tried talking to DP last night but didn't get very far. He has v stressful job and gets home late. I was very wound up and he was lovely until he realised I was upset because of him! I guess I need to find a better time to talk.

He said he feels like he lives with 2 children because ds and I are "always bickering". I suppose I see it as reasoning with DS when he's not behaving/being demanding, but DP feels I should just say 'No' and that should be the end of it. I don't think it is as clear as that but I do appreciate his point so am trying to have less 'discussions' with DS - this will hopefully make the house a bit more peaceful (in the long run at least!)

I said that strangely enough I also feel like I live with 2 children cos they are both vying for my attention all the time. He didn't have a lot to say about that except that he's given up trying to get my attention if DS is there as he just doesn't get it.

He also said, which is kind of true, that we talk all the time about DS and parenting, I said that we did talk a lot about it but it obviously wasn't enough as I was still feeling unhappy about it. By this point he said I could just do what I f'ing well liked, so the conversation kind of stopped there as I chickened out of saying maybe we shouldn't be together in case he took me up on it.

I hate myself in a way, I feel like a coward but he twists my words so much and I can't make him understand what I'm trying to say.He says I have a romanticised view of life and that he can never be DS's father and do all the things I want him to. And that my ex couldn't please me, nor was I happy living with my parents just after I left my ex and now I'm not happy again. He makes it sound like I'm just too hard to please and it's NOT FAIR (as DS would say)!

Sorry, just needed to off-load it all. I'm really not that hard to please (IMO). I do love him, he does such a lot for us - I just feel a bit suffocated with his jealousy and desperate need for attention. He really is like another child!

i agree with a lot of what anniemac and FOTM have said. |I think there are two things going on; the parenting of your son by DP and yourself, and the relationship between yourself and DP. To be honest, being told to F off isn't very caring. I know we can come across anyway we like on these boards, but you don't sound as though you are throwing your weight around and being angry and demanding and so him 'raising the ante' was unnecessary and unpleasant. Also. he's bringing in your entire history now and blaming you for not being happy! how dare he throw your vulnerabilities back at you! I bet he didn't respond like that when you were first dating!! Talking is the only way, and you are right about needing to find a proper time that you both are prepared for. Even if it means booking it for a saturday evening when DS isn't around and noone is going to call. Switch off the phones and agree to LISTEN to each other uninterrupted for 10 mins each. And neither of you is allowed to leave or interrupt or BLAME the other. It really helps to get your message across if you know the other person HAS to - and has agreed to listen. Counselling is definitely and brilliant way forward - relationships don't have to be in crises to benefit.

glad to have you back by the way floatingonthemed!

FOTM I will change my profile at some point over the next couple of days, when I can get myself organised! The only thing I worry about is that, because I work from home, all my email comes into our home machine so can be read by others ? might have to be careful what we say, I don't want to upset DP! But I would really like to chat so will sort it out.

Things are going quite well at the moment (although DP has hardly been here because of work). He has been very lovely lately - and it makes me wonder what I'm complaining about! I think Laura is very right, we do have 2 issues ? the parenting one and our relationship independent of DS. I think our relationship and DPs intolerance of me spending time with anyone but him would be the same even if I didn't have DS. The difference is that I would probably make decisions differently if I wasn't a mother, I desperately want this to work as I want to keep consistency for DS and don't want him to be too old before he has a brother or sister. When it's going well, which is 95% of the time, I think I couldn't have found a more perfect role model for DS. It's just that 5% when it seems to blow up in my face ...

The 'dating' idea is nice but DP would never do that! Having said that we do go out to eat/drink one night every week and always have nice time, which I think we're very lucky to get. I do find we avoid the subject of DS though, especially lately. It's almost as if it's 'his' time ( I mean DPs). This is awful but I'll tell you anyway, when we went away for a week just the 2 of us in the summer (DS's dad had taken him away so we took the opportunity of having a grown-up holiday) we had a HUGE row because I texted my ex mid-week to see how DS was/check he was having a nice holiday etc. DP was upset that I couldn't 'last even a week' without being 'preoccupied' with DS. I thought I was very restrained that I didn't call every day! How will it work when he understands so little?

Laura, i think you're right and we will have to set aside a time to talk. I suspect (now that my decree abslolut has finally come through - took a long time for me to sort it out even though we separated nearly 3 yrs ago) that it is only a matter of weeks before DP goes down on one knee. So I guess we'll have to talk then as I am so unsure. It's just that we've talked before and I've felt better, but things don't seem to change when it comes to the crunch.

hi kittyandro. Hope you get this ok!! PLEASE seek counselling - believe me it can work. Reading the last text I get the impression that you are grateful for when things are going well- Things should be going well as a right!! He should be adoring you - particularly if he is going to bend the knee. It is harsh(truelly)for DP to put conditions around your relationshipo with DS.(i'm talking about the holiday). You are constantly having to monitor how you are with DS -awful!! Please sort this out properly for your's and DS sake - I don't think this will improve dramatically on its own. I know I have been saying all kinds of things about how you and DP may just need to talk, but after your last message, I don't think he is actually listening to what you are really saying you need from him. If he loves you (which equals caring..?) then he WILL recognise that he has to sort this out with you - otherwise what does that say about him? You both need to talk with someone who can hear what you are both saying.

Laura, finally I get round to replying! And Floating - I have signed up to do the CAT thing!

Counselling I'm sure would help I just don't think I'd ever get him there. He is a 'new man' in many ways but also can hold fairly traditional values, I don't think counselling would fit with him somehow.

He does adore me, he just doesn't adore DS. We talked the other night about how he feels, he says he feels terribly responsible for and 'fond' of DS, and particularly touched when DS is nice to him. But he doesn't 'love' him. I knew this already so it didn't upset me, we both agreed that there may be potential for him and DS to become closer when DS is older - more into doing boy's stuff and more able to hold a conversation etc. I know this can be the case with fathers, my own dad relates a lot better to me and my siblings now we're adults, and my ex-h says the same of his.

Thanks so much for your comments. I will suggest counselling to him, just have to find the right moment!

Its not uncommon for men to freak at the thought of counselling! however, if he does adore you then he will do this for you even though he may hate the idea - cos you want to go and that will be enough for him!! Maybe tell him its just to get some perspective on what is going on right now, its not about finger pointing or being right or wrong (and you can always go on your own for independent guidance and support if he is determined not to go with you). Secondly, he may get on with DS when DS is older but he can get on with him now if puts his mind to it - after all its all down to dynamics not down to likes and dislikes surely? He's the adult and needs to reach out to DS not the other way round when DS is older and can reach into DP's world. I'm going on again, sorry! Anyway at least you both are talking - and talking well, and that is really good.