Step-parents opinions gratefully received

[kittyandro]

I have been reading various threads on this site in an attempt to reassure myself with problems I am experiencing. I am not a step-parent but my partner is SD to my little boy (is that the right acronym? Not up to speed yet!)

My DS and I moved in with my boyf about a year ago. He is brilliant with my son in so many ways, tries v hard in bonding with him and supporting me. BUT he is becoming increasingly jealous of my relationship with my son. He is stricter than I am (and I don't think I'm a pushover) but instead of disciplining my son himself, he'll tell me to do it - I know he is scared of being seen as the 'wicked Step Father' which I understand. Sometimes I think he is too hard, expecting my son to behave more like an adult. All he seems to do lately is criticise my parenting, or my son's behaviour (he's a normal 4 year old in my view but boyf thinks he has behavioural 'issues') which I again feel ultimately as a criticism of me.

My boyf lives for our time alone together saying exactly what others have said on this site - that we never had a proper relationship as he inherited my child from the outset. And I believe how difficult it must be to take on someone else's child. But I dread the weekends where the 3 of us are in the house together ? he inevitably ends up angry because my son takes most of my attention. He says it isn't normal for a 4 yo to demand so much of his mum's attention. BUT we do get time alone together, every other weekend when my DS is at his dad's house, and one night a week - which most 'normal' families don't get!

He says I 'baby' my son and have turned him into a clingy little boy. He doesn't seem to 'get' the feelings I have for my own child.

We have talked about getting married and having our own kids (I love him and desperately want things to work and have more children), but now I'm wondering if this will help (ie he will understand the biological parent/child bond) or make things worse (my son will seem like a monster compared to his 'perfect' offspring).

Any thoughts from other step-parents on how I can support these 2 people I love so much and make it work gratefully received thanks!

Sorry, been tied up for a couple of days. DS first day at school yesterday - he loves it thank god! Can't wait to get back there.

I agree with what you say re Xenia's comment, I have been with DP for nearly 3 yrs, since DS was 2 yo. My own parenting skills are only a little more advanced than his really, and having no other children the issues I experience with DS are all new as they happen, as they are for DP. I do agree with you in many ways Xenia, I often wish DP could understand more - more about children's behaviour (ie they aren't adults!) and more about the bond I feel with my child. I don't think he ever will unless he has his own kids.

Having said that, there is a HUGE part of me that is very glad he doesn't have his own kids, from a very, very selfish point of view. I don't know how it would feel, I love my son but ... someone else's? I know that's a terribly hippocritical thing to say given the position I'm in ? maybe it would make all the difference. I just think I'd probably have a whole heap of different issues then!

I had a look at the other thread re 3's a crowd, thanks - it made me feel much better and think DP would probably be the same even if DS was his son. He's a very jealous person, which is lovely in some respects (my ex wasn't jealous at all, I could have stayed out all night every night whilst he happily babysat and he'd never have batted an eyelid!) but suffocating in others.

I know what you mean about getting irritated. I would be very annoyed if DP criticised me for getting annoyed with DS when I'm trying to do something else, I don't expect him to judge me when I do tell DS off (but then he says I don't do it enough so I bet he's just glad when I do) - but it's very hard to hear him getting impatient with DS!

Listen to me - what double standards I have! You're so right about the logical viewpoint. One of the things I value most is that DP gives me his totally honest opinions on stuff, I just wish his opinions were a bit warmer and more loving sometimes!

We did spend time with cousins this weekend. My sis has 3 kids 3, 7 and 9 yo. They're lovely but can be monsters, unfortunately they were on best behaviour this time and DS was in one of his worse moods. Needless to say DP found plenty to criticise about him!

On the other hand he can be so loving and supportive, has rung from work both yesterday and today to find out how DS got on at school. And when DS had a minor operation in June he rang every so often to see how he was/had he come round from anaesthetic/brought him comics and little things to cheer him up etc. All far more than his real dad did who didn't/doesn't ever call.

Then Sunday pm I was giving DS a bath, DP came to play with us and we were having nice time until DS said "DP I want to just do this with Mummy" - DP walked out and slammed the door, and I don't blame him. Help! They're as bad as each other.

I know what you mean about the guilt - I'd love to carry on chatting too and email would be fine! I don't know what you mean by 'CAT' - am I being really thick? Let me know - speak soon.

Hi Floating, how are things going?

I've been trying to leave DP on his own a bit more with DS. I tried discussing with him first, ie that they need to develop more of a bond. But he was having none of it, said the problem wasn't with him but with DS! Anyway, I've tried to do it surreptitiously and it does seem to help. DP even said how nice DS was to him yesterday morning whilst I was upstairs. It just all changes when I come into the room!

DS has been difficult going to bed lately, won't let me get out the room and will do anything to engage me a bit longer. Then calls me back 3 or 4 times and eventually ends up crying because I won't stay longer. DP isn't usually home from work by then but was the other day when it happened and told me off for giving in and going back every time he called. In the end he made me stay downstairs whilst he went up to settle DS. I was so scared he'd tell him off and get strict (I feel a bit worried that he feels insecure at night and needs reassurance not a scolding), so I crept and sat on the stairs to listen to what he said. He was so lovely! I feel so bad for moaning! He was firm but realy kind and settled DS really quickly and easily. So - goes to show that a great deal of DS's behaviour is totally for my benefit!

I have felt bad lately. Every night he goes to bed he cries cos he says "I miss daddy". He doesn't remember a time when his dad and I were together (we split when he was 2) but says 'Mummys and Daddys should live together'. It breaks my heart. Part of me thinks he says it to get attention (not that I think he thinks this logically about it) but I know he feels it genuinely too - and I don't know what to say to make hime feel better - he gets so distraught. He sees his dad every other w/end and 1 night in the week and they get on famously. He's totally indulged and spoilt by his dad, but I guess I'd be the same if I saw him less often. Makes me and dp look like the strict ones though!

I'm new to this thread but I'll just throw my penny'sworth in anyway!! I am a SM to DH's children and he's a SD to mine - 5 children between us and all living with us full time.

I agree with a lot that was said earlier, and I don't want to judge your partner not knowing him. However.... your last thing about having to stay downstairs, etc, against your wishes, cos he was disapproving is NOT GOOD. OK, SO mayb DP did handle DS well this time, the point is if he had'nt - or doesnt down the road - at what point are your going to be able to do it how YOU want to, or handle DS your way without any recrminations? Mayb DP doesnt agree with how you parent, but you and DS were there first - and then he came along, and now is making up conditions!!! He's saying unless you do it my way and I'm pleased with you, I will be upset/cross, whatever. That is not loving or caring towards you. You need to feel free to parent your DS in a manner which is true to you. I don't know if DP grievances are real; mayb you do give DS a lot of attention; mayb he is trying to come between you both; mayb DP is feeling left out - all these things other people close to you who see you all together (people whose opinion you trust!!) could probably give you feedback on. I know I'm rambling but the point I want to make is that in a loving relationship you need to feel that even if you are doing it wrong you can turn to your DP for support, not condemnation. I think your DP and you really need to talk about what YOU want for your son - and then ask DP if he can support you in that, because you need him to do that. If he can't then what does that say about his priorities...? I probably sound harsh - i'm sorry. DP I'd bet is a lovely guy, but you have a lovely son - and you do not need to feel torn. You can raise DS together, but if you are being reasonable (and sounds like your are) then you need to feel you are free to raise DS your way, with support from DP - NOT the other way round!!

I hate to say it, but I have done this with my dh's daughter. When we moved in together, she was absolutely awful. She had never slept in a bed by herself - still sleeps with her Mum at the age of 9 - and I wanted her and her brother to have separate bedrooms. We gave up on that idea and went for separate beds, but every Saturday night when she came to stay, there was a screaming fit at bedtime with her wailing and calling out for her Dad. It was terrible for both of us and I had a huge amount of sympathy for dh, but he kept going back up to her so she would keep wailing. He would then lose patience with her and say "right, well you can either stay her or I will take you home" (an hour and a half round trip) and she would inevitably go for the trip home, occasionally undertaken in the wee hours of the morning after a glass or two of wine. On the odd occasion when I lost my patience and "banned" dh from going to her, I would tell her that she had to go to sleep and she would. She has now grown out of it, although still won't have her own bedroom at our house, so will be sharing with ds shortly!!

I think all children have an idea that their parents should live together because that's our society's norm. I think they become aware of gender differences at around 5, so perhaps your ds' comments simply reflect that. I'm sure it is just a phase he is going through although appreciate how it must make you feel...

kitty just read your opening post! dont like your situation at all you poor thing a 4 year old isnt a threat to anyone they're still a baby! how long you been alone? was this rebound? does ex see ds? does ex want you back? does dp sense this sorry to bombard you with questions but think iv seen this before if you dont want to answer thats fine x good luck

Phew, my head feels all messed up, thanks for all your comments.

Laura ? I'm not sure that I could expect DP not to have a say in how I parent, it has to be a 50/50 thing surely? I know DS and I were here first, but now we are trying to live as a family the 3 of us. Obviously if I was very strongly opposed to something I wouldn't go along with it, ? but wouldn't the same thing apply in a 'normal' family (ie without step-parents). I can't imagine parents always agree on how to parent.

DP is great in the sense that he can give me a more detached view of things as he is far less emotionally involved, he can be very logical and objective which at times I find really helpful, like the other night when I was upset and didn't know how to handle the crying at bedtime thing. I just wish his logic wasn't always so cold!

Mumpbump - thank you, it's reassuring to hear that others have the same problems.

I have to say DS is a real 'mummy's boy' but aren't a lot of 4 year-olds? Especially where they are the only child? I have difficulty in drawing the line because I feel so guilty that his dad and I split - I feel he has had a rather mixed up few years and I don't want to do any more emotional damage to him. Maybe I do end up being a little softer than perhaps I otherwise would (although as I said before I don't think I'm a pushover) to compensate - which is what drives DP mad. I can't decipher whether DS acts the way he does at times because he's just 4 and playing up a bit, or because he is genuinely mixed up/distressed/in need of reassurance.

Makemineadouble - my ex and I split up when DS was 2 (he's now nearly 5). It wasn't rebound, the split had been a long time coming, I already new DP before we split but, whilst nothing ever happened between us whilst I was still married, I had guessed how he felt.

I moved in with my parents after my ex and I split but started seeing DP fairly soon. Then moved in with DP about a year ago. I don't feel we rushed the living together bit, but do wish I had lived on my own with ds for a while - I went from always having my mum's opinion on my parenting, to now always having DPs!

DS' real dad sees him quite a lot (every other w/end and 1 night in the week. They have a much better relationship now than they did when we were together. Ex spoils DS to bits which is a whole other issue as he comes back after a weekend with daddy and I can't do a thing with him as he gets all his own way there and goes to bed whenever he likes etc! He ADORES his dad which is great and how I feel it should be.

My ex didn't want to split up and would prefer we were still together for an easy life I think. He has a new partner now which helps and as also pleased DP! I think life with DP would be better if my ex wasn't as involved but I feel it is obviously far better for DS to have him around.

As far as Laura's comment on opinions of those I trust, that's the scariest bit. My sister says it is clear that DP is jealous of DS from the way he acts, and my mum says DP 'watches' me interacting with DS all the time. I know he is terribly jealous but what can I do? He is bitter because DS isn't his son, becuase I have a past that doesn't include him - which is why I think he'd feel better if my ex wasn't involved, he could at least then pretend ds is his son.

Will getting married and having our own child solve this? He is a lovely lovely man and, for all I've said here, tries so hard to make things work. He just can't understand the love I have for DS.

Sorry it's so long!

kittyandro, I am so sorry - I didn't intend to upset you, particularly when you asked for help and support. You KNOW you are doing a really fine job. You also value DP's input when it is supportive, so he has such an important role to play in the family. I flagged up something that I thought could be wrong, and of course that is only one part of the three of you. however... (again!)
I read once that after the age of 4 a child should only be properly disciplined by its natural parent - apparently the child just can't get its head around someone else coming in and taking over a role of parent. As a SP that offered me the chance to step back and not "get in there" everytime something was going on that I "didnt like". for that to happen effectively DH and I had to agree a family plan - so that we each understand where each other was coming from and agreed how things generally should be done. DH is not my children's Dad - nor am I his children's mum - and that counts for so much. No amount of wishing it was different is going to alter that very real fact. And its the same for you both. It seems you may be wondering whether DS would be better off if his Dad wasn't around!! Ive' thought that too, believe me but like me, you probably know that deep down that would be awful for DS. But you are entertaining that scenario cos of DP's needs!! His input into the relationhip you both share of course has to be 50/50 - but does that have to be the same for DP and DS' r'ship? I think DP needs to wake up and get real here about the most HELPFUL role you and he can see him having. That's not excluding his needs cos they matter equally, but he needs to look at what he is really trying to achieve. Could you and DP sit down and agree guidelines that are good for DS - and good for you and the two of you as a couple? How about with a counsellor? Please don't allow our views to upset you - I really feel for you.

Its strange but we have a similar relationship in our house except ds is not a ss to either of us!

Its a man thing, where they feel a little shut out.

I have examine if i am over protective of our ds at times and take a step back. If I am over involved with ds it excludes dh.

Difficult balance and after 5 years I can honestly say I havent found the balance as yet. Maybe now he has just started school it may become less intense.

Keep talking about it to him though as the last thing you want is resentment building up.

Annie-mac in one answer marriage will not solve it.
Protect and carry on with your child as you see fit as any relationship and the problems it brings with it will affect your son.

If jealousy is the problem be very aware it isnt the best trait to have to deal with. It can manifest itself in many unpleasant ways.

its almost asking you to make a choice as to who is most important. In my house my ds comes first as he is not of an age to protect and look after his own emotional interests.

I don't think you'll ever know in advance whether marriage and another child is the right thing to do. Having ds makes me more tolerant of dsd because I suddenly have a more maternal view of the world, I guess. But could go the other way and end up with preferential treatment of the new addition, which would be awful for your dss. Guess you just have to go with your gut instinct on this one although the fact that you're questioning whether it would be a good idea might suggest you don't really think it is... I also agree that there is nothing wrong with a 4 year old being a mummy's boy. You can tell my DH definitely was (unfortunately, he is now an orphan ) but he is also wonderfully sensitive and ever so tolerant of me - much better than a beer swilling macho man, if you ask me

I don't think you'll ever know in advance whether marriage and another child is the right thing to do. Having ds makes me more tolerant of dsd because I suddenly have a more maternal view of the world, I guess. But could go the other way and end up with preferential treatment of the new addition, which would be awful for your dss. Guess you just have to go with your gut instinct on this one although the fact that you're questioning whether it would be a good idea might suggest you don't really think it is... I also agree that there is nothing wrong with a 4 year old being a mummy's boy. You can tell my DH definitely was (unfortunately, he is now an orphan ) but he is also wonderfully sensitive and ever so tolerant of me - much better than a beer swilling macho man, if you ask me

4 years old is no age!! He needs you - and you need to know you are doing the right thing for him, AND NOT REGRET HOW YOU PARENTED HIM DOWN THE LINE. I certainly don't mean he has to come first all the time (heaven forbid!!) but he has his own specific childlike needs. Not sure what I'm saying that I havent gone on about already. But - I do think that DP is being demanding rather than supportive because you are feeling that and you should know cos you're there!! He may simply not realise quite what his own role is - get talking!!!

i have been a step mother for the last 5 years to a teenager who lived with us. i am interested in annimac comment about stepparents over stepping the role. are you sugesting that if you do not think the behaviour is accpetable in your home that you should just let it slide? if i hadnt 'overstepped' my role as stepmother i hate to think what more trouble ss would have got into. for example ss was into drugs, dh and bm didnt believe it and i was prepared to stick my neck out until they believed me.

unfortunaltely i dont think stepparents ever understand the feeling you have for your child. they will always come first and that is a very hard fact to deal with. mind you because they are not 'emotional'attached to the child they can also spot thins like the above long before birth parents are prepared to admit or accept it.