Hi everyone I'm new to this group but not new to being a step parent. I have a ss who is 8 and I've been married to my husband 3 years. We have two children together and I'm due our third next month.
We've spent our entire time we've been together fighting through the courts to see ss, we're always granted access and she's threatened with community service for constantly breaking the court order but they never did anything and she always thought it was hilarious it cost us £800 roughly a time to take her back to court, she got it free through legal aid... So she just kept doing it. Anyway 2 years ago we had to decide enough was enough, she stopped access again and we couldn't afford court or do anything and it was having a major impact on our lives financially and emotionally.
We didn't see ss for two years until a few weeks ago we get a call out the blue to go pick him up!? So off we go, without our own kids as it's too confusing for them straight off like that. Meet ss and his grandad he tells us we can see him when ever we want and as much as we want! So we explain the whole situation to our dd (ds is a bit young). Dd was devastated, cried on and off for a few days through worry that daddy was swapping her real brother for this new child or that we wouldn't love them :( was heartbreaking but gave her lots of reassurance and explaining and she seemed to be ok. Next weekend ss comes (sat 10-4), week after (sat 10-6), next week they decide it's only every other weekend now but will build up to sleep overs, two weeks later they decide he's not going to be able to stay but just come every other sat, two weeks later we text to arrange picking him up and try ringing ten times, just ignoring us... Next week the same, this carried on 5 weeks so we presumed he was no longer coming again. Explained to dd again that now this new half brother she'd had spring into her life was no longer going to be coming! Next day we get a text - pick ss up at 10 am next morning.... Ahhhh!!
Pick up ss and he gets in the car and announces he's now coming fri-sun every weekend!! I (first time ever) put my foot down and said no. Speaking to dh away from the kids I suggest he comes sat-sun every other weekend and he's welcome to come after school for tea a few nights if he wishes. So we agree this. mostly my decision in all honesty but I felt we'd messed our kids about enough and he hadn't seen us for two years -surely this was a huge change for everyone involved? Also knowing it wouldn't last! I've also insisted he doesn't come the weekend I'm due, I've had both my kids almost to their due date so expecting the same.
Am I being mean or am I being sensible? My dd is finding all this so confusing!! We also have no where for him to sleep so it means him sharing one of our kids rooms which I think is unfair considering they don't even know him.
On top of this I've hot so mad with dh as he leaves our kids out when we have ss. Yesterday he was going to run errands so he took ss and told our kids they couldn't go. Both of them stood at the door and watched him go whilst literally sobbing! Dd then announced daddy doesn't love her any more because he loves his new son. I was so mad with him and so hurt for them :(
Last night was the first night ss stayed over. Well it was a bloody nightmare! He cried for an hour before bedtime making up things he was crying for - I know this isn't his fault, he obviously didn't feel happy to stay, then he kept waking up crying but pretending to be asleep if dh went in to try to talk to him.... I don't mean to sound heartless or selfish but I just don't need a crying 8 year old keeping me up when I have two little kids and in four weeks a newborn!? Personally I think we should say to keep his visits just to the Saturday for now but I know that's not really fair. What do I do? Put up and shut up or try and come up with a plan that keeps me and dh happy as well as our own children?
Our lives were so settled, happy and relaxed until a few weeks ago, now I just don't feel like I can cope! Ss won't eat anything we do either, this weekend he had crisps for lunch sat, a lolly, a nice pop and some chocolate then today he had bacon for breakfast, some chocolate, an ice cream, a bag of Doritos.... Seriously how can dh allow this??? I know it infuriates him but I'd say eat proper food or starve! We'd never let our kids eat like this!
So sorry for the million paragraph essay... Wanted to give some background!! I feel better just getting this off my chest! Dreading two weeks time for another visit now....