Does it mean I don't love him enough...

[Stampingmyfeet]

....if I'm not sure if I want to blend our families ever?

BF is a widower with one DSD10. I have DD10 and DS8. I find DSD10 difficult. I think she finds me difficult. She and her Dad have a very close bond (very mini wifey IMO) and I'm just not sure I've got the energy to untangle it and try and blend our families so that there are three children and two adults, rather than the THREE adults and two children there are at the moment, IYSWIM.

BF really doesn't see the problem, I think he thinks it's just a case of me giving DSD a kiss and a cuddle and everything will magically fall into place. (He was quite pressuring about me being physically affectionate with her at the beginning, whilst I felt I didn't want to invade her space).

Increasingly I feel that I want to carry on living separately, although we'd made plans to extend my house next year so they could move in.

Does this mean I don't love him enough? Selfishly I'm struggling to see what me and my kids would get out of it and I've read lots on here to know that it can be very difficult to run a blended household.

X

I think you're being responsible. If you're unsure then it's for a reason and why risk it all going wrong when there's 3 kids involved that need stability.

Tell him the changes that you need to see before committing to anything, If he doesn't want to then you can't live with someone knowing you'll be unhappy with the situation.

He needs to gradually start treating your dsd less like an equal adult and more like a child, if he wants to live with you, all the kids should be treated similarly, you can't live in a house where she gets to dictate what's going on, while your dd, the same age, is expected to do what she's told. It wouldn't work. Blending the family means compromise and that means you being understanding of the close relationship they have and him making sure his dd is treated like a child should be.
If he doesn't want to change their set then he can't expect you to live with him.

Thanking you for understanding Alita, that's exactly how I feel. Of course I understand their bond and they've both been through an awful time losing her Mum to a very long illness.

However, she does see herself as very grown up. I've said in a previous post that she constantly corrects me and my DC and is very patronising to my DC. None of this is her fault of course and she is expected to act like a mini adult in so many situations (both with her Dad and other family members) that I think she finds it hard to adjust to just playing. She certainly really dislikes it if I ask her to eg. make her bed when she stays at ours. She will just stare blankly at me. I in turn am absolutely rubbish at pretending I don't mind that's she's being rude, so we get locked into a bit of a stand-off.

I don't want to spend the next however many years locked in a stand-off, obviously, but to turn this all around seems quite overwhelming and I'm not sure it's something I even want to do would take a lot of work.

X

It sounds like it would be a great mistake to ask a grieving child to move into someone else's home, just as it would have been a mistake for you to have been too physically affectionate with her before she was ready.

I don't think it has anything to do with how much you love him, it's about what you think is right for all concerned. Which includes you and your children.

Hmm, I think your DP needs to sit up and listen to you before you go any further. I come from a blended family and my SSis definitely saw herself as her Dad's 'partner' - the fact my DM cooked and cleaned up after her for years didn't stop the resentment and the fact my DSDad did not address it for 25 years has meant it's all blown up in his face in his 70s. I feel very sad for him.

I don't think children should dictate to you who you choose to have a relationship but too often issues are not addressed and it seems to me the step mum is the one that suffers.

Well aside from anything else, If she can't make her bed when asked then she can't expect you to treat her like an adult. If she wants to be treated as someone who is more grown up than her age then she can't just pick the benefits, she needs to be doing chores and being polite to adults. Not your problem if she doesn't live with you buy if she did then this would need to change. like I said you can't have your dc being expected to clean up after themselves and be polite while she gets to swan around and turn her nose up at you if asked.

This of course is not be blaming the little girl but your dp who should be backing you up and enforcing rules, even if she's been through a traumatic time with her mum which just sounds horrible for a child to go through, he isn't doing her any favours by bringing her up with no restrictions or boundaries and treating her like an adult without the expectations. Not your business when not in your home but when it affects you then the choice is don't live together or he needs to make the changes In how he parents her.

Thanks everyone. Mumofthemoos, was your DSDad also a widower? What do you think he could have done differently?

No, he wasn't.

I think he was blind to it. I think it's always hard when you have a parent and it's been a bit 'you and them against the world' and you have to adapt to when your parent finds a partner and you go back to having a more traditional parent/child relationship. I remember aged 12/13 having to adjust to it but I always knew and understand how good my step Dad was for my DM, so got with the programme.

My SSis was older, 15 yrs old and I think even if she had the temperament to adjust (which she doesn't) it would have been harder.

10, I would say is still young enough to make the adjustment but I think it needs to be tackled explicitly not swept under the carpet. She's probably worried that he doesn't loved her the same. I remember bring very worried one holiday that she loved my DSB more than me! I think kids need to actually be told this stuff is not the case!!

Yes, having just read Alita7's second post, I think my DSDad did let her to all sorts of adult stuff ahead of her time without having to do the responsible stuff.

She was pregnant by 19, married at 20.

The thing is I don't necessarily think it's a massively bad thing to treat her a bit like an adult given the situation, although it is probably more for him as he missed adult company before the op came along, than for her benefit. But I do think it's not fair on a child not to teach them that to be grown up they need to be responsible too, I'm not saying he should have her doing half the household chores but he should have her making her own bed and putting her clothes in the washing basket. And of course when it affects other children and a new partner, this is all more important and if It can't be changed then living with them just won't work.

But I do think that kids that are encouraged to grow up too fast are done a great injustice :/ Maybe op your dsd needs the chance to be a child again?

i second pretty much all the things Alita has posted. you sound like you have given this a lot of thought, and if something doesn't feel right then moving in together is completely the wrong thing to do.

All 3 kids need to have similar expectations of them from you and your dp in regards to behaviour, attitude and chores to name a few. If anything is out of balance then it will cause you massive issues.

iit reads like your dp is trying to push you into a mother role for his dd which is wrong - she had one who tragically isn't there anymore but the worst thing he can do is push her to accept a replacement. you need to be a confident, a friend, favourite aunt type role in her life. Would it amke things easier if you talked to her adult to mini adult to discuss what her expectations would be and what yours are so that you can all start working towards that (may be worth ding with all kids and adults so no one feels victimised)

I agree with letting children be children, having been the child that had to suddenly grow up- age 11, my mum had cancer, and suddenly I was running a house, looking after my brother and was my father's equal- which meant that he really did not understand how small and emotionally immature I still was, and how much support I would have needed myself, rather than support him and my brother. It has done me no end of disservice.

Has your DSD had bereavement counselling? There is also with bereaved children this idea that, because her dad has a new partner, her mum will now be forgotten, and therefore it will be as if she never existed, particularly if the child is young and finds it difficult to remember herself.

I agree with letting children be children, having been the child that had to suddenly grow up- age 11, my mum had cancer, and suddenly I was running a house, looking after my brother and was my father's equal- which meant that he really did not understand how small and emotionally immature I still was, and how much support I would have needed myself, rather than support him and my brother. It has done me no end of disservice.

Has your DSD had bereavement counselling? There is also with bereaved children this idea that, because her dad has a new partner, her mum will now be forgotten, and therefore it will be as if she never existed, particularly if the child is young and finds it difficult to remember herself.

You are not being selfish but rather, being very sensible. If you feel this way now, it could go one of two ways. You take the time to unravel it all and after a year (or maybe ten....or maybe never) you can combine the families and have a good relationship, all round. Everyone is happy or at least, well balanced and functioning as a combined family. Or, you never quite get the fit and the trauma that causes your adult relationship sours everything.

I cannot advise you but, after almost a decade of trying, there are times I wish I had walked away. If you feel so uneasy, I'd just say "no", not now, at least.

Thank you all so much, this is really helping me me a lot.

Alita I am concerned that all 3 kids won't be treated equally and that the expectations for DSD will be different. It's funny you should say about washing etc. Her room at home is unbelievably messy and if BF asks her to tidy it she just doesn't and then BF doesn't follow it up. If she were to live here, I couldn't have that (makes me quite anxious just typing it) My two keep their rooms relatively tidy, bring cups and dirty washing down etc. Only because I nag them, obviously, but they do it with no argument. I know it sounds a small thing, but it's just one of the differences that I think I could find problematic. Add to that bedtime, meals, TV watching etc etc and I'm concerned there will be too many big changes for everyone to meet somewhere in the middle because I like the routine I have for my kids and I don't want to have to change it and I couldn't live in a messy house

Mumofthemoos I think she does see me as a threat. And also someone to test boundaries out on. BF has reassured her that he will never love her any less, but I'm guessing this needs to be constantly reiterated to bolster her sense of security.

wheresthelight I have often wondered if I'm being 'groomed' as a replacement mother. If I'm being really honest I have wondered at times if he would have dated me if I didn't already have a daughter of DSD's age. I should point out he has treated me with nothing but love, support, generosity, consistency and respect and is great with my two. Although very little is asked of him on that front. My kids are with their Dad EOW for for a few days so it's often just me, him and DSD.

FeeAmarylis I'm very sorry to hear that you went through such a an awful time and didn't get the support you needed. I'm fairly sure DSD hasn't had bereavement counselling. The thing you said about her being worried that her Mum will be forgotten has struck a massive chord for me. She was only 6 when her Mum died and had only ever known her ill . I have never talked to her about her Mum. She never talks about her.

This is so hard to talk about with BF without it sounding like I'm criticising his parenting (which I am, really). So I end up saying nothing and then every couple of months some of it comes out, but we never really resolve anything.

X

Why do you feel you have to try and blend your households? It sounds like on both sides it would be much better to continue as you are, in two separate houses. And btw I come from a large and very happy blended family myself so I am not against the idea at all, but in this case it doesn't seem that it will serve to make anyone happier - except perhaps your BF in some way?

Hi,
My dad was a widow and we moved in with my stepmum and kids. In the long run it was good, but I don't think you'll be able to make it work unless you move to a fresh house which neither of you has owned before, and announce it as a truly fresh start for everyone concerned. You could say that to BF and that it's not practical now, but might be in a few years? Buy you some time?

Clearly the pressure is coming from the OP's dp. However OP, I would not rush this until your parenting styles are more at an equilibrium and your dp's dc has adjusted from being the mini-wife/adult back to a child. That is a challenge for your dp to unravel (with your support), not the other way around.

My epiphany came this year in realising that I simply could not live with my dp's children, too different parenting styles, it would bring chaos to my life and that of my dc. I won't do it to them, however I do still love my dp dearly and would not give him up for the world. The way things are now, his dc are not my responsibility, his parenting, no longer for me to comment on. I have taken a massive step back and it's working better. So much would have to change if we were to live together, I worry it would destroy us.

Also your dp's encouragement to be more affectionate is well-meaning, but misplaced. You're not there to replace her mother and the lead, physically and emotionally should be taken by her.

It's a bewildering place to be. I was 12 when my mum moved out and my dad had no idea what to do (because she had never let him - I think she was setting him up to fail but he refused to do so).

I probably did do more than was appropriate when it happened, I felt very physically and emotionally responsible for my dad. But as he got his head together and things became easier, he slowly eased me back into a more "teen" role, and though I had some issues adjusting when he remarried when I was 15, I was able to get on really well with my stepmum and she's now far more of a mum to me than my biological mother with whom I'm Nc.

I was the oldest when our family became blended, of 6 dc! So I've naturally had the elder sister role (especially as the 4 youngest are boys!!). I still have issues, but they're from my mums abandonment, not family blending (it's taken years of therapy to get there!!).

Thank you so much everyone, it's been brilliant to hear so many perspectives.

To answer Tribpot, I think I saw it as a trade-off: He gives me love and support and I give him the same and him and his daughter a family environment. Looks ridiculous when it's written down, but it felt like we were both bringing what the other needed to the relationship. Now though I think loving and supporting each other whilst living separately will be a happier option.

I think a new house might be a help, but we just couldn't afford it.

I think staying in separate houses for now is the best thing, but whether that means I can still improve my relationship with DSD I don't know.

I'm going to talk to BF at the weekend.

shey can I ask how's it's affected your relationship making the decision you did?

X

I guess adjusting from, boy meets girl=happily married/forever to living separately/happily has taken something from me. It's letting go of that model and I had a few low weeks, where I had to think... What makes me happy? What is family to me? What do I want from this man? Is there a point to this relationship?

And I realised that;

a) I don't want to co-parent with my dp. I am enough parent for my dc and he is fantastic with them in a non-parenty way, I wouldn't change a thing. His relationship with his own dc however is very far from ideal, due to toxic ex and bad behaviour/badly managed behaviour (dp's soft parenting).

b) I don't need a relationship with dp's dc to validate my relationship with him. Nor their approval to validate who I am, they don't want me in their lives and I accept that now, it's cool, it's no reflection on me, it's their upbringing.
c)My dc and my dp are my priority. Having chaotic/controlling children in my life is not good for me and I am now happy to limit that time, rather than wanting more time in order to build a relationship with them.

d) Having two separate households is by far the better option for me. I do not wish to blend my dc with others that do not share our values and that are raised differently. Spending time with dp's dc is much easier now, as I have no expectations, other than hopefully we have a nice couple of hours together...

And so far as relationship goes, I don't think my dp realises what I have gone through to get to this point, but I am happy again, you could say the glass is half full again. I love him deeply as he does me and we know we are 100% committed. When he is here, we are family, but he finds the complexities of raising his kids EOW very stressful and it's best that he does that mostly alone. I no longer think about marriage and living together, living together most of the time is enough for me, us being a family with my kids is enough. We argue hardly anything at all now and my confidence in who I am is back to normal. Plus his house is so untidy, it's like he's been burgled... I can shut myself off from that too, that alone is worth two separate households.

Thanks Shey

That all makes a lot of sense. I think I too am letting go of the model of the happy ever after blended/rescued family.

BF's parenting is absolutely not a lost cause, he can be firm and his DD does have a structure. It's not the same structure as mine, but then I've got very good girlfriends who parent completely differently to me and we would probably struggle to share a house too! BF also doesn't have a toxic ex

It still feels like a big ask though and still not sure if it would be best for the kids. BF and I are very happy, this is the only thing we've ever argued about really. I suppose I don't like the idea of him and I parenting separately, especially as the children get older. I like the idea of a blended family, especially as the girls are the same age.

There is no right answer I guess, but when you have doubts it's crucial to allow yourself the space the apply the brakes until you work out what you really want.

And I hear you about the untidiness. hyperventilates into paper bag

I think you've got more of a chance that I have to make a blended family that works. You have alot in your favour, but you've gotta think of all the angles and mostly what you/your dc want/need. And parenting really has to be on the same page which it's likely you'll get to in time from what you've said. x