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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Do good men lie?

17 replies

Anormalfamily · 13/06/2014 09:55

I've noticed something terrible about dh, he lies to me pretty regularly.
Nothing earth shattering. Usually involving ex and/or dsc.

The conversation will run something like this:

Dh: well, I'm doing "such and such" then, for dsc, like we talked about.
Me: first I've heard....
Dh: no, I told you, blah, blah, it's for my dc.
Me: I'm hearing this for the first time, and no, it's actually clearly for the convenience of your ex! And will simply cost us time and money. No way.
Dh: blah, blah, ok, you're right, I wasn't thinking, it really is for her convenience only. Why didn't I see that?
Me:

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nomoretether · 13/06/2014 10:00

Umm, if he's picking up on the tone that seems to come through here, that's probably why he's afraid to talk to you.

Hard to give an opinion without knowing what "such and such" is. Is there really no benefit to DH and DSC?

Is lying normal? Small lies, yes I think so. Obviously undesirable but where communication is lacking like it is here, unsurprising.

jonjones · 13/06/2014 10:25

Yes, if needs must.

My ex (My son's mum) and I have a fairly good relationship and get on "most" of the time, but my current partner doesn't like the fact that we get on so I often tell little white lies about whether I saw her or not when picking up my son just to keep the peace.

It's much easier to say I haven't seen her, than to say that I have and we talked for 15 minutes only to be given the third degree about it all night.

Original poster

Anormalfamily · 13/06/2014 10:45

Thanks for your replies.
Funnily, I'm the least confrontational person imaginable, the ex was given to furious tantrums, though...
We've been in counseling for over a year, things have been looking up. That's why I feel let down when dh still can't be honest with me (other issues also).
Dh was incredibly used by ex both before and after their divorce and I've spent 5 years "being understanding". We've gone to great trouble and expense (mostly mine) to make sure that the dsc are well looked after, have a second home, etc. and it really hurts that dh feels he must still lie to me. Its insulting because I feel I give and give and receive little respect and openness in return. Ex, simply by being, is to receive anything she wants (I was lp for 8 yrs, v independent).
Sorry to sound so ranty. It feels as if only by being 100% doormat to dh and ex will I be rid of the evil sm badge?

OP posts:

Original poster

Anormalfamily · 13/06/2014 11:06

Ps
I fully understand the white lies for the sake of peace, due to aforementioned desire to avoid confrontation myself...
But doesn't the exact opposite occur when somebody insists they've discussed something with you, when clearly they haven't. Is this not gaslighting? Maybe that's what's actually bugging me

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Eliza22 · 13/06/2014 11:23

Good and bad men/women do lie to avoid hurting others or to keep the peace. Usually fearing the other person's reaction and the "scene" it may cause.

Unfortunately, you can NOT realistically settle a problem/live in harmony where suspicion and resentment reside. The two of you need to work on delivering honest (him) and receiving truth (you) without fear of reprisal.

Easier said than done in these situations, for sure.

Eliza22 · 13/06/2014 11:24

Sorry ... "Delivering honesty"

Original poster

Anormalfamily · 13/06/2014 12:15

"Receiving truth" sounds good, even though it may not always be palatable, but at least you know where you stand and can then make own choices.
Its true, I resent the fact that dh feels he cannot/ should not be up front with me. One of the issues we talk about is how I see him in a bubble with dsc and me and ds looking in. Its hurtful that real sharing happens so seldom. I realize when it does occur and its so warm and reassuring I could melt.

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brdgrl · 13/06/2014 12:15

I think I know what you're talking about. It happens with my DH when he knows he's done something he should not have with regard to the kids - let them get away with something because he couldn't be arsed to deal with it at the time, made a commitment to something that affects us all without checking with me, or when they have done something awful and he doesn't want to have to tell me.

I know from my sisters' and friends' experiences that this happens at times in lots of marriages, not just blended families, but it becomes a big deal in ours if we get defensive about things (him) or over-react to the latest 'straw' (me). We've gotten better at this - DH is much more frank about the kids now - but it still happens. Like Eliza says - got to be addressed, but easier said than done.

Original poster

Anormalfamily · 13/06/2014 12:28

I wonder sometimes if it can actually be done at all?
Obviously I feel I have been doing so much more to create a family atmosphere and really try to find fault with my own reasoning before ever approaching dh when resentment occurs.
Yes, "first" families have this too, of course, probably why we have "second" or more tries...
Thankfully counseling has taught me to react as soon as it happens, and not stew. This has helped a lot and dh seems a lot more sensible also.
I'm just a little disappointed that he will still try to "pull a fast one", for lack of a better expression.

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nomoretether · 13/06/2014 12:43

It sounds like he's still afraid.

As for gaslighting.. Perhaps, but I don't think it's intentional in this case. It is still crazy making and infuriating. Have you explained that to your DH? My DH didn't understand the impact on me when I've caught him in white lies, it had to be explained.

You say you're not confrontational but your OP sounds very aggressive - "spineless wanker". If you say that, or even if you don't and it just sneaks out by a look on your face, the tone of your voice or silent treatment, it will shove your DH in to a place of shame, and it's incredibly hard to talk openly if you're experiencing shame.

It sounds like he's stuck between wanting to do right by his DSC (which involves being manipulated by the ex) and wanting to keep you happy.

Why would the therapist be tearing him to shreds for wasting her time? He's obviously got some process going on that needs resolving. There will be a reason why he isn't being honest and you can either berate him for it or work with him to understand and change. There will also be a reason why it sends you to a place of resentment and anger and he can either berate you for that or work with you to understand and change. A therapist tearing anyone apart for anything isn't a good therapist, even if it's what you think he needs.

Original poster

Anormalfamily · 13/06/2014 13:28

Good point, nomore...a bit of wishful thinking slipped in there, I feel.
This conversation took place last night and although it got resolved in a matter of minutes, I was still smarting this morning.
No doubt I think I'm being neutral when in all likelihood I'm probably overbearing
There is a bit of history, and our counselor is actually the most kind, clever woman and we are lucky to have her. She has put in a lot of work and I suppose if I were in her position (which thankfully I'm not) I'd feel "this man is not listening"!! But I digress, of course she'd be just as open minded as always...
I don't wish to shame dh, I'm just incredulous that he'd do it to himself, I suppose. These white lies are kind of obvious...

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brdgrl · 13/06/2014 14:38

I wouldn't say our counselor tore anyone apart - but she was very straight shooting and she did give my DH a few 'home truths', which actually was very good as it moved along a situation that had been rather 'stuck'. She was equally straight with me, but in our particular dynamic, it was DH who needed a kick up the backside to see a few things, and the counselor delivered that.

nomoretether · 13/06/2014 16:38

Oh absolutely - a decent counsellor wouldn't collude with someone causing damage to a relationship, whether that was conscious or not. It's a delicate balance :)

fedupbutfine · 13/06/2014 19:28

I think the trick is being able to tell the difference between 'the little white lie' told to make someone feel better or to avoid any nastiness (perceived or real) and the out and out liar who is lying about everything. I always feel dreadfully concerned for the women my ex takes up with - it has come back to me that he has been telling new girlfriends that it was me who had the affairs, not him. He can get away with it because he moved areas post-divorce so he doesn't have anyone around who knows what really happened and so isn't running the risk of being outed by anyone. How you tell the difference with a seasoned, well-practised and incredibly slick liar is beyond me - but it's crucial in having a relationship with someone who has been married/in a long-term relationship previously.

MuttonCadet · 13/06/2014 19:30

Weak men lie, as do weak women.

If you honestly think what you are doing is the right thing to do, why lie?

If you don't think it's the right thing to do, why are you doing it?

Original poster

Anormalfamily · 14/06/2014 09:44

Spot on, MuttonCadet.

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VanderElsken · 19/06/2014 00:52

It sounds like he's afraid of you and so trying to pre-think stuff and give it a spin that won't make you cross. That is slightly weak but it's not out and out lying from a place of powerful manipulation. I have no doubt if you relax and be softer with him, he would relax too and be more honest.

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