Pocket Money

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I currently live with my DP and he has 2 kids girl 10 and boy 7.

We both agreed that DSD could 'maybe' start getting pocket money but only if she helped out around the house. (much to my disagreement because who pays me to clean the house?) Since our initial chat 2 weeks ago she has dried the dishes once.

To top it off, both kids seem to have a really stinking attitude towards me and their dad talking back and being cheeky and ungrateful for anything.

DP and I never really discussed it again. So I assumed it probably wasn't going to happen. then I get a message form him this morning asking what account can he take the pocket money from.

I personally don't agree with pocket money. I never got any growing up and I turned out OK. My parents gave me money if and when I needed it and I never ever asked for it(I wasn't spolied either - it was cheaper for my parents this way). But DP thinks its a good idea and they are his kids so I know if he wants to then its his call.

I'm just a bit miffed that he is asking where it is coming from. I assumed it would just come out his own money from his bank. Not the joint money, but I feel like he is asking it to come out the joint money (which is budgeted for and has places to go).

I know its just a trivial thing so I know I am probably being unreasonable.

How do other families deal with the pocket money issue?

I give my dsd pocket money. She has some jobs to do. If she doesn't do them she doesn't get the pocket money. I don't remind her to do the jobs. She soon starts doing them when I tell her no pocket money this month. I don't go back on it either as she has already lost the money for not doing it. She will then get pocket money again the next month if she does her jobs. The same thing happens every few months!

Tell him it comes out of his account only.
And make a chart of jobs to do to get the money when she visits. It might be that each job is worth x amount of money or that she does different things each time and has to write in 3 things she's done. Or you allocate her some things and if they're not all done she doesn't get any money.

I wouldn't give her more than £5 anyway at that age!

Neither DSD's get money from their mum and I, they're 14 & 16.

Simple reason, they don't do anything!

In reality, they've both got an open ended offer of 10 a weekend if they're going to the cinema or into town with friends etc. They don't have any bills to pay, clothes and everything else is paid for from the household budget, school lunches are made for them the weeks they're with us.

It's the times they want the money that we can get things like bedrooms tidied. We did try offering the oldest a fixed income in return for doing certain things that she should be doing anyway, like tidying her room, doing her laundry, helping with the dishes or dinner. But she chose not to sign up.

Both DSD's get money from their dad each month, think the eldest gets 40, more than half of which she spends on school lunches, the rest goes on crap. She is out of cash about a week after it hits her bank account. In all honesty she needs more money for lunch, but until she stops spending it on packs of cakes from Asda she probably isn't going to get it.

Eldest is awful with money, not sure whether that's because she doesn't have much or because she is too used to spending other peoples.

I think not giving any pocket money to a 10 year old is a bit harsh (assuming she lives with you full time and isn't already getting some at her mum's) Nearly all my DD's friends get some. My DD gets £10 a month.

If you want her to help round the house more you need to lay down clear expectations - eg she wages up on set days of the week, puts laundry away , etc. 10 year olds don't just start helping of their own accord otherwise.

It should come from his money as they're his kids and he want to give them pocket money.

We don't give DSD pocket money as such, her mum gives her the maintenance we pay every week then moans that DSD needs this that and the other and wants us to but it but that's another thread.

If your DSDs live with you most of the time then about 10/11 is when I'd start giving them a bit of pocket money as this is the age where they start being a bit more independent and going out with friends. My DCs will get £5 per week tops at that age on condition they help round the house and behave.

The kids stay with us half the time. I asked DP 'what pocket money?' and he replied saying well his DS get football every week and his DD gets nothing but she gets a lot at her mums like gymnastics and dancing etc.

I never got money for doing houshold chores - we just got told to get it don and you done it. The rewards came as a PP said you needed money for the like of the cinema etc, but even then she wouldn't be going on he rown anyway - I really dont know why she needs pocket money. I would rather we just put 20 in a piggy bank every month and when we take kids out etc its some spending money for them both. Because DSD is going to have money and DSS is going to have nothing if we go down the pocket money route.

I just wish he had spoke to me about it before telling DSD.

I also think it all depends what else they have money spent on, if you pay for clubs each week, if they are taken shopping for clothes or if they want to buy them themselves (best once they get to secondary school though, not at 10 and if you can trust them not to blow their whole summer budget on 1 top.) and how many big trips out you do per month. I grew up in a nuclear family and we went on big trips in school holidays and while on holidays away, yet my dsds go out somewhere, whether it be a fair or on an actual trip to a zoo or something, eow when we have all 3. I understand that it is making up for the fact that they don't get to live in a nuclear family but still, it is expensive for us (though dp and ils choice, I'm sure they'd be happy staying in playing on the xbox or wii some days) even a trip to town leaves a £20- £30 lunch bill on top of anything they happen to want or need. so it would be difficult to afford pocket money as well as all these trips!

Has your DP definitely told DSD the pocket money is coming?
Is he a bit Disney?

The thing that struck me most from your first post was that both children have bad attitudes towards you and your DP. I'd want to see a change there first before any chores/money was discussed.

Also, do they do basic things like bringing their plates from the table after meals and straightening their duvets in the morning and generally not leaving the place a tip? If not the that's something else I'd want to address first.

Once all that is sorted then it could be time to revisit pocket money (for both) but paid for by your DP. Perhaps he can supervise their chores, too?

My DSD (9) gets pocket money from her mum every week for doing nothing. She saves it all and has more money than we do!

If you are going to give money for stuff, then it's better to give her a weekly amount at first and then a monthly, just because a small amount to manage is much better at teaching about managing money than just asking and getting 'yes' or 'no' but not having any control over that.

Suggest a small amount, (from her Dad's own account!) not related to doing jobs as such. She should be doing those because they need to be done.

DH gives pocket money from his account. I think it's too much but I don't care cause it's his money. If we shared our money I would insist on chores for money. I would also dock her of she didn't go to school.

My dd has chores that she has to complete for her pocket money. I can't really understand how anyone can not think it's a good idea to teach kids that you work for what you earn from as early as possible.

Id rather DH gave dsd a set amount of money on the first of the month than that she came cap in hand every five seconds negotiating her next hand out. I find it degrading for her, and him!

My dsc's are similar ages (10 and 8), they have jobs to do when here to earn pocket money - walk the dog, keep bedrooms tidy, do their own washing, help with dd. They picked the jobs and what they felt was fair payment for those jobs - 50p for walking the dog, 20p for their room being tidy etc. However they rarely get it as money - dsd is mad about my little pony and loves the magazine so she trades her pocket money for that every month (when did kids mags start costing a fiver ffs??!). Dss saves his for days out although when we took him to Birmingham and selfridges he did spend £10 on pick n mix!! I won't buy them sweets so if they want them it comes from their own money iyswim.

But if you don't agree that she deserves it or with the principal in the first place then the money should come from his free spends money and not from joint

When my DSC were between 13-18, we had a two-part system and that worked pretty well for us.

I don't think it is reasonable for pre-teens/teens to not have any money at all. The trade-off was that we stopped buying them anything that was not a "necessity" (on a day-to-day basis, I mean - we still treated them to things occasionally). That meant we paid for DSD's shampoo, but not her makeup; DSS's bus fares to school, but not his bus fare to see friends on the weekend; that sort of thing. The non-essentials came from pocket money.

They got one part 'automatically' - this was 'walking around money' and was really just a minimal amount. The second part of the pocket money was linked to chores. They had a certain set of jobs to do every week. If they did them all with reasonably little protest and to an acceptable standard, they got their second part of the pocket money. If they didn't, they lost that part. We did not pay 'per job' - it had to be all or nothing, or the system would not work. The idea was to make sure they had a VERY bare minimum no matter what, but if they wanted a full social life/new clothes/phone credit - they had to be contributing to the household.

FWIW, this isn't my "ideal" - I don't really like the idea of it being linked to chores, because I believe kids should chip in without having to be offered a financial incentive. But the reality was that the DSC were just being given money by DH any time they wanted anything and they had absolutely no concept of how much things cost...It was a bad situation that was out of control. The amount they got in pocket money was actually very, very generous (ridiculously so, perhaps!) - but it was still less than what he was shelling out on demand, and I think giving them more responsibility around it all was definitely the right way to go. I'd probably do a variation on it with my DD when she's older (but lower amounts for sure!).

The main problem we had with it was about enforcement. DH would still give DSS his 'full lot' even if he'd done a really crap job, had to be reminded a hundred times, or was sulky about it - whereas I thought doing the jobs reasonably well and cheerfully was more important! So we did have disagreement about that at times.

I don't think it would solve anything if the money came from OP's partner rather than a joint account. Depending on how their finances are arranged, it seems likely that money he gives to his kids is still money that's not available for other things - so he doesn't really have the right to spend it unless it is coming away from some of his luxuries, IYSWIM.

But really, the bigger problem seems to be this -
both kids seem to have a really stinking attitude towards me and their dad talking back and being cheeky and ungrateful for anything.
So the OP's partner giving them pocket money is actually an issue about house rules and behaviour, and the OP ought to have equal say in how that is dealt with.
Pocket money (sad but true!) is an effective way to reward good behaviour and impose consequences for poor behaviour. If the OP's partner doesn't want to use it as a tool, then I wonder what currency he is using to enforce some house rules - do the kids get grounded? Lose privileges? What happens when they are cheeky?

Ohhhh I love that system brdgrl!!! Trust yiu to have the brilliant answer!!! Dp and I may be stealing that as the kids get older! Dss starts secondary school in Sept so may be an ideal way of getting him to take a bit more responsibility where money is concerned

It took a lot of thinking (over-thinking?) to get there.

Haha your pain is as usual our gain though oh wise one [Grin]

We never gave our kids pocket money when they were young. (They are at Uni now) They got money from their grandparents at Xmas and birthdays and we gave them extra money if they needed it. It never seemed to cause any issues. If they wanted money to 'waste' I might make them earn it but otherwise I would just give them a few quid now and then.

I treated chores as a separate issue. They were all required to do chores - it would have seemed odd to link them to pocket money.

The trouble with linking chores to pocket money is that the kids start demanding money for every tiny thing you ask them to do. I much prefer them to get the hang of helping out for no better reason than the job needs doing and housework should be shared among all the members of the household who are able to do it. When they ask why they should help wash up I tell them "because you don't want to eat off dirty plates do you?"

We only pay for jobs that are well above normal helping out - moving the lawn or washing my car maybe.

I think as the kids get older and capable of doing a good job, they will have to clear up after themselves and tidy their room but extra things will earn them money. That way they see that money has to be earned but they also learn that you do have to clean up your own mess and space for free.

purpleroses, that's why we don't pay 'per job'. It's more like, "if you contribute to the household this week, you will get the second share of pocket money" - if they don't do any one job, that's the whole lot gone.

I do agree with you in principle, but if you start with older kids who are used to being given money and have never been asked to do anything whatsoever, it's pretty tough. My DSC had never had a single chore until they were 12 and 14, but were given way too much - so we were starting from a less than ideal place to begin with. If we'd suddenly said "no more money on demand, and also - chores!" - we'd have gotten nowhere...

I agree Brd, working for money prepares you for the real world. Being given money for nothing doesn't.

But it is also important to learn that you have to keep your own space tidy and clean and clear up after yourself for nothing as that is also how life works...

And kids aren't able to do proper jobs so paying them for doing "chores" or whatever you call them gives them the opportunity to experience what is is to earn something.

I think Brd's way is as close to perfect. As you'll get.

brdgrl no I know completely what you mean inheriting older kids not used to any chores. My DSC did very little at all before I moved in. We've had to start with quite low expectations - stacking their own stuff into the dishwasher, drying up once a week or so. My own DC still do less now than they did before we moved in. But the DSC do do some at least, despite youngest DSS (11) looking outraged when asked to help.

You have to start with where you are really rather than where you'd have hoped you'd be of you were raising them your own way.

You have to start with where you are really rather than where you'd have hoped you'd be of you were raising them your own way.
Yes, that exactly...I do feel lucky because I am figuring out some of the teen stuff now, long before my own DD gets there!

what i don't understand is what these mothers are thinking of that allow their kids to grow up with no sense of 'pitching in' - my dsc's are idle gits at times! they will walk round the room rather than pick up the item they have dropped in the middle of the floor all because their mum picks up after them still!

I would be mortified if my dd went to someone's house and didn't offer to help with the dishes after eating a meal there or expecting other people to run after her like she is some sort of royalty!