Help please!! Step daughter issues..

[Elizabeth120914]

Hi all this is my first post but I've been up all night and could really do with some impartial advise. I should mention I'm 7 months pregnant which may be why I'm getting so worked up!

OH has a daughter aged 11. We have always bad her every weekend without fail. She's not easy as her mother has no boundaries at all to behaviour, clothing etc but we do so it's not always been the easiest of relationships with her dad especially since the hormones have struck!

Anyway it all started about a year ago when we bought our house and OH stopped working away and so funds were less. Previously he had taken her to Alton towers type activities at the weekends and spent a fortune but the attitude was always what's next and we could no longer afford it once we bought the house. We do go for walks/ picnics/ make cakes but not expensive regular treats now.

Well she now doesn't want to come unless she is getting something.. A few weekends running at the last minute we got texts from her mother saying she doesn't want to come no reason why.. We have to make a good hour and a halfs round trip as they never drop off or collect and had been waiting in all day so not impressed but said fine. Next weekend we text as usual no reply we phone no reply!

Two weeks later she send a text at 10 pm saying love u dad again two weekends pass no contact and then last night we get another text saying how are U dad! Should reiterate child is 11 not quite sure why she's up but anyway cue another night of little sleep..

She's his daughter I totally get that and when she's here it's me that has to entertain a very grumpy teenager who doesn't want to be here. Her dad feels like bringing her here is enough and then leaves her to it she won't play with the other kids on the street she sits on the sofa not speaking.

Question is what do we do? It's been made clear she's always welcome here but this no contact and messing around is horrible for us we have spent the last 5 weekends waiting around and no one bothers to get in touch. Poor OH thought she wouldn't get back in touch till she's an adult the mother won't speak to is and the daughter I don't know what's going on there..

OH didn't find out about her until she was 5 and he isn't on the birth certificate her mother can be very awkward so OH doesn't want to demand access as thinks it will backfire..

How do u deal with this behaviour without pushing her away? She came round for her birthday a month ago happily as we took her to the safari park but that was the last time she's wanted to do anything. She doesn't care about the grand parents either and there's been a lot of upset there too.

How much to u accept as being a teenager and how much is bad behaviour? None of my friends have older kids hoping someone can help? Incidentally the mother has 5 kids at home so I don't think it's to do with the baby she's quite used to other kids but who knows...!

I don't have much advice but one thing that strikes me is why are you waiting for her to contact you? I think that is really wrong. Why is there not texts/calls during the week? Just general 'how was school?' Kind of texts?

Sorry didn't make it clear we have always contacted her Thursday to arrange the weekend and then she lets us know what time etc. it's her mothers phone so it depends on her mood as to whether you get a response on any other day but the Thursday was an agreement made which had worked. We have bought her her own phone but she always breaks/ looses them so have to go through ex.

My step kids are younger but we had similar issues over treats being demanded so I do sympathise.

Unfortunately without going to court to get an access order there really isn't much that can be done. And evencourt is no gguarantee ad she is old enough for her views to be taken into account so if she really doesn't want tinsel your dp then they won't make her.

I think your best bet at the moment is to ring ex and say that you are happy to amend contact to every other weekend if that would suit daughter - she's at an age where seeing friends will rate above seeing dad. I am afraid

Could you see her where she lives for a Meal out maybe?

I agree court is pointless she is too old now and I do think genuinely she doesn't want to come unless we offer her something.. If I text and said do u want to come for a meal : bowling etc she will but then wants to go home straight away which is actually really hurtful to oh..

We are having a meal for Father's Day for OHs dad maybe can try that?

I don't want her to come under duress but it would be nice to feel like she wants to see us or at least tell us she isn't coming!! I think it's mostly the mother after all she's the adult that doesn't bother to reply unless of course it's about money...

Sorry if I've missed it, but you say her mum contacted you saying she doesn't want to come. Has your DH asked his daughter himself if she doesn't and why or has he just taken Mum's?

I agree that your DH shouldn't be doing expensive days out every time he sees her - it builds up to the wrong type of relationship that the pair will have. She'd just see him as some fun time Frankie and not actually dad.

*mum's word for it

We don't have any direct contact so hard to say but she had been asking to go home early so can only assume it's true ..

Maybe she is just bored at yours?

I agree arranging special treats for her very thime she comes isn't a long term option but you do need to keep her occupied.

Also sounds like your OH needs to buck his ideas up and not just dump his daughter. If the only way she can get his attention is by asking to go home that may well be what's happening.

She must have some sports or interests you can enagge in when she's with you? Cinema or just sitting down watching a dvd together with sweets or pop corn. Play board games?

Go to the young fashion shops for a look round, have a cake and a coffee. Is a 10 top from New Look or Primark out of your budget?

Does she have a friend at her mum's your OH knows well enough to have over with her? Maybe they could stay in a tent in the garden?

I am sure she is bored.. She likes cooking which I do with her everytime she comes other than that she's only into Facebook and MTV type channels and talking about music which is why she ends up hanging round with me OH isn't a cool dad and has no interest in any of these things..

We have tried the friend but it relies on ex who never organises it as we don't meet the friends/ parents it's hard as obviously they dont know us. We had to cancel the birthday party as ex didn't give out the invitations obviously daughter has a part to play too but no one seems to want to help..

It's such a bloody frustrating situation. I took her horse riding with me but she's lost interest now. She's coming to see OH he really needs to step up or can see this just getting worse and worse! Me and her get on fine but I'm huge now and he really needs to make her want to come as much as she needs to not be rude so does both he and ex all need heads bashing together but no one communicates I just want it resolved somehow..

Why not arrange to have her EOW and then on the week off take her out to dinner after school?

Then plan something in advance for the week she is there, like the cinema,bowling, which doesn't cost the earth!

The problem is that no one is responding to any messages or calls and any arrangements aren't honoured.. After school if we go and pick her up she isn't there she's off playing and the mother just says doesn't know where she is.. It's all a bit of a game unless of course we promise the bowling etc then she might be there!!

Sorry to sound defeatist maybe I'm just ranting but it's so bloody frustrating!!

I think we will have to have a drive up and hope to catch ex in. Her boyfriend is vile so let's hope he isn't there and something can actually get resolved.. My OH isn't perfect but really she could meet us half way all this is so stressful and such a nightmare :( . If we weren't chasing we would have heard nothing for the last couple of years but just we don't want to just give up ...

As hard as it is, please don't give up. It will affect her forever!! I know it's hard, but she will appreciate the effort one day

Mine's 18.5 years old and lives us FT. She does bugger all to help unless it is self centric, and brings her BF round for clandestine meetings on the sofa, when she doesn't know I am coming home to lunch, and often do. I live close by. Please God she gets the grades to go Uni, she acts like a prima Donna to DH and knows he will just "chuckle away" uggghhhh!

"from work to home for lunch"

They are such a joy aren't they?!! Lol

MIL has waded in now and is going to confront the mother doesn't care what we say or think it's her grandchild.. dread to think how that's going to end.. She turned up and got us out of bed last night ranting about it.

It is her grandchild but it's OHs daughter why can't people just respect others wishes ? Daughter isn't want to come when grandma has attacked her mother now is she?

This is me being a shit SM. We eat after the SDs do, it was a fajita meal so flexible as to when we all eat. They eat first, the dishwasher is full when they put their plates in, and countless glasses that they don't bother washing, and re using, plus little girlfriend has been here today with stepson, and they must have used about 6 cups between them.

I had put the dishwasher on and when SD comes down to fill her precious cup without bothering to empty dishwasher, which makes me angry as it is clean, and she just leaves everything for us to do. In short, I am emptying dishwasher singing Toxic by Brittany because i am so fucked off by her. She has now finished her A levels and does F all to contribute to our welfare, when we are at work all day. Selfish little cow, I really hate her, and can't wait til she leaves for Uni. I pray she gets the grades but she isn't that clever...ll

No chance of uni in our house!! Reading is bad enough she won't bring her homework or school reports here she used to always wanting money so that says it all..

It's the same here I'm the unpaid skivy she hasn't been here for a month and my spare room looks like a bomb site if she doesn't bother for Father's Day I'm clearing it up sick of the site of all her bloody mess. There's dirty clothes and all sorts when oh tells her off she puts it in a pile in the corner under something so it looks tidy - not that he would notice anyway!!

It's hard work being the devil who cooks, cleans washes and looks after everyone .... !!

Yep! I wish there was a "like" button on here!

My dd is 11 and is getting to the stage where she would rather be with her friends or stuck on her tablet than spend time with us. Are you sure it's not that going on?

Also contact shouldn't be left to her..my dds dad does this. He lives abroad and hardly ever Skypes her himself, never rings and then gets annoyed when she doesn't. At 11 they are very much pre teen and just don't think to do things like that. I do remind her but to be honest we have a toddler and loads of things to do too..her dad should just ring if he wants to speak to her.

I understand money is an issue, it is here too, but how about making contact for less time - so instead of all weekend every week just a day? Then it might be more balanced perhaps..

She will only come on the day if it suits and we have to send about three messages to get one back. We then go up there which takes an hour and she sometimes doesn't even want to come then..

I'm sure it is the age thing but manners are not exactly expensive so a simple yes or no I'm coming is all that's required! I blame the mother it's her phone she will be wanting her secondary school uniform buying shortly so I'm sure she will be quick to reply then..

The frustration is waiting around all weekend and having to bribe or nag her to come she then arrives and wants to go home just feel sorry for OH that she doesn't want to come unless there's some sort of bribe on the table... We have asked how's she's done in sats and phoned and phoned with no response. They are fine and at home we know through a mutual party.. It's just all very sad..

I've arranged a Father's Day meal for OHs dad and tried to get her for that.. Guess what no reply.. I'm not having OH have to beg her so I've tried to arrange if you would think she could manage three hours on Father's Day I've even bought her the blinking card...

When you say sending messages what you do mean? - email or text? My dd is awful at ignoring messages. She will read them but then get busy on Google plus talking to her friends and forget to reply. If her dad actually phoned would she speak to him then?

I agree that manners cost nothing and if you're actually going there and she's refusing to come having said she will then both your partner and the mother need to put their foot down and say she will go and explain the inconvenience and hurt it causes when she says one thing and does another. At 11 I think it's perfectly reasonable to explain that. However you do need the mum to back you up and that doesn't sound forthcoming unfortunately...

It's her mums phone we have bought a few they get lost/ broken she wastes the credit. She gets them it's an iPhone so we can see they are read. The mother won't answer the phone as apparently her boyfriend doesn't like it!! Should mention her and oh never had a relationship at all it was a one night thing 11 years ago ffs!!

I can totally see why people do give up it's extremely frustrating as it doesn't seem to matter what we do at all unless it's convenient or 'expensive' enough no one what's to know..

Our problem is the mother and selfish daughter the mother won't make her so we are dangling this is why MIL wants to go and cause a row at the house but this in my opinion will make it all much worse as I think ex would love an excuse to ban us. He's not on the birth certificate so would then have no rights at all. Personally I could punch the bitch but obviously that wouldn't help either... !

TBH, I think kids are like that nowadays, regardless of their age. My Step Kids have no manners, and wont even think of saying hello, morning, bye etc. They are cocooned in their own little world with no thought for others. I ask their Dad how the exams are going but he has not got a clue, so in a way I blame him for not being more attentive and curious. I would love to know, and on the rare occasion that I ask the Kids, its just "yeah ok I think". Its like pulling teeth. They did have an odd upbringing however, so perhaps it something to do with that!

My dp has done this in the past.

Dsd4 is the youngest of 3 girls. Gets hand me downs from both her sisters both here and at mums.

Dp has emptied her room of 3 black bags full of clothes, mostly never worn by her.

But whenever I take ds out for new clothes (which is rare as he hates shopping) dp seems to feel he has to take dsd4 too despite her having heaps of clothes and only ever wearing 1 or 2 outfits here!

If it was the other way round and ds was getting loads of clothes from other people, dp would feel the need to buy dsd4 bags of clothes to even it out!

You will never win against Disney logic!

Sorry replied on wrong thread!