How should I 'be' with DSD?

[Stampingmyfeet]

Hello

BF is a widower with a DD10. They were in their own for 3 years before we met and I am first GF he's had. I have DD10 and DS8.

We've been together 16 months and are planning to move in together in just over a year's time.

I'm really struggling with DSD and I'm sure it's me messing it up. I don't want to walk away because I love BF very much. My DC like him (they also see their Dad lots) and they also like DSD. I want to feel warm and loving towards her, but I don't always feel this way. I also think DSD is lonely and would flourish in a happy family environment.

From what I've read on here there are definite signs of mini-wife syndrome and I try and be respectful of the worries she might have about losing her Dad's affection.

I find her really hard to interact with. She's quite rude to me, often ignores me, corrects me (and my DC) constantly. (A lot of "Actually Stamping....") She gets very withdrawn if the focus is on anyone else and will often interrupt if a conversation is going on. This really grates on me, I'm not going to lie.

I appreciate she is trying to find her place in the group when we're all together. She's also about to hit puberty and is much taller than me (and my DD) even at 10, which I sure makes her feel different.

She seems on board with us moving in together, seems excited, talks about the blended family. Has said she loves me. Has asked her Dad if one day she can call me Mum.

I don't know how to be with her. I think I've tried to take on too much of a parental role when we're together. Sometimes she seems to really want this and other times she seems resentful (usually to be fair when me being parental involves her not getting her own way). Should I just let her Dad parent her? He's a good Dad generally, although I think he often chooses the path of least resistance. I think he indulges her way too much at times, but he can also be firm and is not a Disney Dad as such. He's also really good at not getting defensive about DSD whenever I've brought it up.

I have my own issues about tolerating rudeness and find it really hard to pretend I'm not feeling annoyed when I feel she's being rude. If I could fake it, maybe I wouldn't see this as such a problem. I suppose my question is: Even if I understand where a lot a of this behaviour comes from, how do I deal with it day to day? Ignoring her doesn't seem very fair or constructive.

Any advice? (and thanks for reading)

Talk to your partner about this and make him discuss it seriously. When I moved in with my husband he just kept saying it would be alright in the end and kept his thoughts to himself about how I was handling his (extremely difficult) daughter. Looking back now, I realise that while it was kind of him not to criticise my efforts it was actually not very helpful. I didn't have any children or experience of children so didn't really know what I was doing. It would have been really good to have a serious discussion with her dad about how to help her settle.

Having said that, if she says she loves you and is excited about moving on together, you are light years ahead of where I was at that point. Good luck.

The simple answer is don't try and be a parent to her. Be a friend/big sister role.

Discuss this with her and your dp and explain that you expect a degree of respect and you will not tolerate x, y& z and if that behaviour occurs you will pull her up on it and expect dp to back you up.

Set rules that all the kids are expected to follow and stay patient!

I think her behaviour is normal for a child but I can see why it bothers you.
she will struggle with someone else female coming into her life and living with her after her mum died, in some way or another but she seems to be craving a mother figure and wants you to be the one to fulfil this which is a good thing.

I would say see how it goes but that you and dp should draw up a set of rules for all the kids and agree to both discipline them all in the same way. That's how I would do it anyway, treat all the kids the same :)

I think one thing I've learnt over the last few years is that it is OK to pick a DSC up on being rude. You can simply say "don't be rude" And then move the conversation on, make it clear you still like them, etc. I used to be quite nervous of telling my DSC off and always look to DP to do it. But it kind of left me feeling a bit weak. I still leave major parenting decisions to him but - like you - we have similar aged children and a lot of the time you do need to make joint decisions and treat all the children fairly. We made up a list of house rules when we moved in together which is still pinned to the fridge which helped.

I've also found that the best times to form a good relationship with my DSC tends to be when my own DC are off at their dad's. My DSD who was 10 when I met her has been great though, really positive about having me around, and particularly love shopping trips to buy clothes, something my SP was never great on tbh - so girly shopping trips have been great - with or without my own DD. And baking too - also something DP never did with them. It's lovely when you can bring them something new to their lives.

Thanks everyone. purpleroses I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think I've been dealing with it in a bit of a sulky way and have just been being short with her to express my annoyance. I need to woman up and be assertive. I guess I've been worried that she would feel like I didn't like her anymore. With my own kids I can give them a big cuddle and tell them I love them if I've told them off. I can't do that with DSD (yet).

Spoke to BF at lunch (wine was drunk) and was quite honest about how I'd been feeling. He said that I need to just tell her and if need be he will back me up. I do think he sees it as less of a problem (just how kids are), but he was loving and supportive and not dismissive. He also pointed out that it's when all five of us are together that it goes a bit wrong and that is true. I think there might be jealousy when she sees me being Mum to my two. When it's just me and her it's much much better.

It's never bloody easy is it

Yep, pretty much agree with purpleroses, you need to just speak up when she's rude (and of course your DP should do so as well, and back you up when you do). It sounds like. actually, a pretty positive situation and at least she seems open to the idea of you in her life, which will go a long way.
I was in a pretty similar situation when I met my (also a widower) DH. I wasn't assertive and I didn't speak up, and I wish now that I had. Once I started doing so, we had 'breakthrough' moments. She also responded well when I encouraged her to talk about her mum.
Don't try to be her friend, and don't try to be her parent, at this point. Maybe more on the level of an aunt - someone who has to be respected and has some authority, but who is 'on her side'.
I also agree you need house rules.

Thank you brdgrl. I'm going to do this.

I've never spoken to her about her Mum, other than when she comes up in conversation when BF is there. She actually doesn't mention her at all, now that I come to think of it.

I feel such a weight of expectation on me - it's overwhelming sometimes. I'm not that confident that I'm that great a Mum to my own two and to take on someone else's seems like a huge thing. I know I'm panicking and in my more lucid moments I know it's not just my responsibility to make this work. My BF is very supportive and listens - I just feel that he's not proactive (ie doesn't talk to her about her behaviour, doesn't really set boundaries regarding expected behaviour - because I don't think he sees it as a problem and it's something that will just 'work itself out'). The problem with having any conversation around boundaries with him is a) I'm not absolutely clear what they should (reasonably) be and b) it would sound like criticism of his daughter (an in turn his parenting).

I should add that my two are far from angels!

I don't think you need to be completely clear on where the boundaries should be before you have a conversation. That's what the conversation is for - to work the out together. There may be some things you decide to let go, and others that you decide need to be firm rules. And you may have to agree to some rules your DP thinks are important that actually don't really bother you. Blending two households requires compromises from everyone I think, which doesn't feel easy when you've both enjoyed the freedom of being a single parent and deciding everything on your own up till now. Ston

Thanks purpleroses

I am now seriously thinking that keeping separate households might be the way forward. I don't think us all living together is going to work.

I don't think I'm capable of being a positive, patient, consistent, loving mother figure to DSD and although this isn't being overtly asked of me, I think that is the expectation. I don't think it would be fair to her or to my children to try and then fail. What is being asked of my BF is so so different. My kids see their Dad a lot and very regularly.

I don't know if this will be a dealbreaker for my BF, but I think I need to speak to him about how I'm feeling.