Return of DSD age 16 (cue Jaws music....)

[BuzzLightbulb]

Durrrrr duh....
Durrrrr duh....
durr duh durr duh dur duh durduhdurduhdurduh!!!

Just realised, DSD1 is back on Monday after a week at her dad's and we have not got a coping strategy in place for when she gets back.

DP's got a high stress thing with work going on which finishes tomorrow so we haven't talked about stuff this week. I don't want to ruin the weekend preparing for the worst.

We didn't get things sorted properly before DSD went to her dad's, she hasn't shown any recognition her behaviour is affecting everyone else in the house apart from 'ok then, I'm sorry. Happy now? Get over it'. I haven't spoken to her for days, bag still packed and ready to go and the only reason I didn't move out was because she disappeared to a friends house all weekend and the atmosphere changed completely.

DP hasn't had a conversation with her that hasn't ended in shouting and tears, for both of them.

So it'll be about 10 days since she was last here, too much time in a teenagers head for anything that happened then to be of any significance any more.

What do we do? Forget about it and try and start over again? Or sit her down, clear the air, repeat what we've said about the house rules and her behaviour?

That might all sound very controlling, but it's meant to be just preparation. Life with DP is on hold at the moment because of DSD, when she's not here we have a great life together but the stress she brings with her is enough to drive us apart and we need to be ready to deal with her so that doesn't happen.

Personally I think I would let her settle in for a day or say see how things go. If it goes back to normal then maybe sit her down tell her how good its been and that it would be nice for it to stay that way and taht you want her to be part of it. Tell her that you are laying down guidelines because its what is best for her and that you want her to be happy and you dont like arguing.

Maybe the stint at her dad's has made a difference.

Its a shame that DSD is making life so difficult.

It maybe worth letting the last arguement go as you say its been 10 days and she most likely doesnt even rmember it or care (sorry just the impression I get.)

I am sure you have probably tried various scenarios too. Its maybe just a difficult time for her. 16 was an awkward age for me :S

I just asumed she was 16 - however it was still an awkward age for me!!

Forget about it and try and start over again?
No. In my experience, anyway, this simply does not work.

Or sit her down, clear the air, repeat what we've said about the house rules and her behaviour?
Yes. Line in the sand time.
But with strategy in hand! Written down rules, posted. Clear consequences, described. Secret plan for follow-thru, agreed between you and DP (whatever you do, do not define consequences that you will be unwilling or logistically unable to enforce!).

Unfortunately I don't think the spell at dad's will have helped.

He said he was in complete agreement about her behaviour and he was having difficulty with her too, and common house rules would be good.

We explained what ours were, including no b/friend in bedrooms, he agreed with that but we were talking to one of the other kids on the phone last night and they said DSD and B/f were squirrelled away in her bedroom.

He's never been great on rules and behaviour which is why we pretty much have a 24hr quarantine period every week until they've calmed down!

brdgrl

We think along similar lines, however DP is not so structured, she tends to be more reactive, doesn't see the train that is the stroppy 16yr old heading straight for her until it's hit her full on.

And sometimes picks the wrong fights.

All we can tend to do is agree a direction of travel and hope we get there.

Forget about trying to have a united front with her dad, then. I think it is much worse to say "if you do x, y will happen" if they actually know that "y" won't happen/they've got a work-around. Just focus on what you can actually control.

cross-post, sorry!