Ungrateful / made to feel bad

[Alibally28]

So last night DSD told us she wanted to see 1 Direction (concert was on Tuesday)

I asked her why she didn't say to us and she said 'well my dad couldn't afford to buy me a 2 ball what chance would I have of a ticket'.

Thing is, she didn't get the ball - not because we couldn't afford it- but because her and her brother were mis-behaving and already have 2 footballs at home. She only asked for it because they were bored in the shop.

Also a few months ago I asked her if she wanted to go to the concert as I had been offered tickets and she shrugged her shoulders and said 'Okay' as if it was a chore. Now I'm not being funny but why on earth would me or DP spend over 100 on tickets to a show that she isn't really bothered for?? (I mean money is tight to a degree but if she was fanatic about them and really exited or had asked we would have worked something out)

I get the feeling that DSC just expect stuff and its our right to buy them whatever they want. I was brought up in a world where you got things if you deserved them and asked nicely. When I was wee and wanted to see a band/ group I used to do chores in the house or save any money and offer to buy my own ticket (mum usually didn't take my money) but I worked for thing I wanted and I know DP was the same.

I feel bad now because DSD seemed genuinely gutted she couldn't go.

Whenever we ask the kids if they want to go to the zoo or, funfair or anywhere farm parks etc - the response is always the same - a half arsed 'okay'. I refuse to take them if thats their response.

Then DP said last night will wee take them somewhere next weekend - I instantly replied ' No - they don't deserve it and won't see it as a treat.' (The Kids have been really acting up lately and being cheeky answering back etc so why should they get a treat?)

Am I being bad or just reasonable?

I really like the idea of doing stuff as a family or even DP taking his kids without me but I just don't see what value it adds - you can't buy kids love.

i guess a lot depends on how old they are to be honest. i find that the older DSS (10) has got the less enthusiastic he gets about doing things that don't involve a computer but if dragged he does genuinely enjoy it once we get there.

Are they used to being given a choice? when Dp and Ex were together were family days out decisions made by them or were the kids given an option or asked for ideas? They may not be used to being involved in this way/

As to the rest sounds perfectly reasonable and i am desperate for my DP to understand that taking the kids out for the day and spending money on food out etc needs to be seen as a treat/reward for good behaviour - not working too well so far!

This isn't a step parenting issue, it's just a parenting issue.

Kids misbehave, and they should be taught there are consequences but perhaps you are extra sensitive to this because they are not your own children and you feel no obligation to take them out for nice things.

It's not really fair to them to say 'we were going to do x really nice thing but since you've been little sh*ts, we aren't going to bother' if you haven't made that clear up front.

Give it one last go, make sure DP is the one that is telling them what's happening and it's his idea, and tell don't offer/ask, and drag them out of the house. And try and make it as enjoyable as you can.

I doubt they won't enjoy themselves and when you're home and they admit they had a good time, that's when you can say you'd love to do it more often but they really need to calm their behaviour down. Try and find one or two things that just must stop.

It's a lot easier if you can accommodate taking a friend along as well, hard for a DSC to keep the huff up when heir friends think you're fab.

They are 10(girl) and 7(boy).

Their mum takes them out constantly for dinner and to varipous places. I thin kthye have come to expect it. I dont really know hat happened when DP and ex were together.

When I was wee if your mum said do you want to go to the zoo you were bouncing with excitiment.

If either of them acted remotely interested I wouldn't mind so much, and like I say their behaviour recently has not been great. So I really grudge making th edecision to just get up and go without telling them - as it always ends the same - kids fighting and answering back. It's happened the last 3 times we have gone anywhere.

We have banned the xbox in our house for the 7 yr old as his attitude is stinking once you take him away from it. He growls and gets grumpy and there really is no need. We (DP) has tried telling them you can play ofr 1hr etc then its off to see if that works. Nope, still a wee git once he is away from it. So its now banned until further notice until he can learn to control his temper.

Oh the joys! Maybe I would feel different if they were my own.

My uncle used to be "oh, ok" about everything too - it was his character!

But if you want the behaviour to improve in order to get the treats, you two need to say that to them! If they genuinely don't think these things are treats, it won't motivate them.

We have never really said we are gonna do but now we're not because I agree - thats a bit unfair.

Dp and I usually talk first and tehn decide if we are taking them. But the sheer lack of enthusiam shocks me. We even ask what they would like to do if weather is nice etc. They never have any suggestions.

I don't believe in pandering to them neither does DP. Although he is more prone to it than I am.

Reading the posts I feel better and realise I am maybe not being unreasonable.

Will speak to DP later and see what we can do.

Mine never have any suggestions either (except watching TV!)

Out of interest, what age rated games are you letting the 7 yr old play?

There's a lot of research which shows young kids who spend a lot of time in front of a screen develop the side of their brain that copes with visual stimuli, and not the part which deals with imagination and play, social interaction etc. As a result they need to be constantly entertained.

When I first met my DSS he was about the same age and sounds very similar, his dad used to buy him age 16 games and was happy to let him sit in front of the xbox all day and his behaviour was a little worrying at times.

Even now he's 12 if you let him stay on all day he will. Still can't get him to read much, but he does do other stuff, and he does get kicked off the xbox.

Does your DSS have any hobbies/sports? Could you enrol him in one which matches his favourite games, just for an outlet to let off steam.

We have disney infinity / minecraft/ skylanders the usual kids games (although I dont like minecraft - zombies/ killer sheep/pigsetc). I think at his mums (from what the kids say) he gets to play much more grown up (adult) games such as GTA etc. They also get to watch horror movies which I totlaly disagree with but not my call really.

He is part of a football club and he enjoys that and has lots of toys and when he hasn't had computers he plays relaly quite well. He has a good imagination and I like seeing him use it.

I actually managed to get him into playing draughts/checkers and he loved it.

I think it comes difficult when at their mums they get away with a lot more and there arent really very many rules. Its probably like a prison camp in comparison when they come to us. Although we do try to make sure its not. Like I say there are lots of toys and games.

On hindsight maybe myself and DP just need to make more time to play the family games etc. It used to be something DP did loads when I first met him. It seems to have dwindled. I think he reckons the kids dont wanna be involved.

Out of interest Ali, do they do any chores at Mum's or when they're with yourself and DP?

If not, I'd suggest starting as it teaches them responsibility and hopefully the value of money. We have a star chart here and if things are done, we tally up once a month and give them a little money for helping out. If it's not done, we don't add stars. Age depending, it can be anything from washing up, helping with dinner or putting clothes in the wash basket.

I don't think so. Form what I have heard (true or not) the mother doesnt do much chores herself!

Anyway no time to dig at her she is doing her best(!)

I have suggested something like this like rota of easy things for them to do. It was WW3 last night when asked to tidy their room. So I think definitely we need to start something because i am not going through that every week haha.

Like you say it gives them a sense of responsibility too so i think its a great idea.

Empty their rooms into a bin bag, tell them whatever they want has to be put away, the rest goes in the bin/to charity.

At 7 I would expect your DSS to love being invited to join in with things. We do/did play a lot of board games simply because it gets everyone together.

I now hate monopoly

Pictionary is a really good one for that age because it doesn't depend on knowing anything and its team based so you can play adults v kids (with the kids clues) then split the teams etc

If he likes draughts/chess then backgammon is a good option, simple enough rules, bit of thinking involved and it doesn't take too long.

Our DSC's friends love coming to ours for sleepovers because we play games and do family stuff they wouldn't do at home. Always different when its not your parents.

Haha great idea Buzz! Presently hair bobbles, kirby grips, pens find their way into the bin. I have told DSD if I find them thats where they go - they do not live in the bathroom or on the stairs or the living room or in the kitchen so if I find them they go in the bucket. I have also said that I dont mind tidying/ cleaning the full house including their room but they need to have it tidy or it wont get done. so far the door has been closed for abut 3 weeks as I know its a mess and I am not cleaning it. I think i said earlier or in another post WW3 just about started last night over the room, so it never got done. I don't need to sleep in it and it DP wont clean it Why the F* should I.

It is exactly the same in our house. My kids have been taught that they earn pocket money and treats, and on occasions when they haven't deserved it, I have stopped their pocket money for that week or not taken them out. They learn quick enough to behave!

Whereas my step children are thoroughly spoilt, by both their mum and grandparents. To be fair their mum works full time, and they are here every weekend, so I think she may feel guilty. But even so, they don't have to help out at home, they turn up every week with new clothes, if I ask them to help out here it is met with a strop.