New partner's children and young DD

[oxcat1]

Posting this on behalf of a friend, who has personal reasons to find this situation difficult.

She left her husband about 18 months ago, and has joint custody of their 6-yr old daughter. Ex-husband has got a new partner, and, at my friend's request, a carefully planned conversation was held with both my friend and her ex together to discuss his new partner with the little girl, before she then met her. Meeting this new partner went fine and the little girl is happy.

However, this last weekend the little girl suddenly met the new partner's children, most specifically her 17-yr old son. My friend feels uneasy - she would like to have been told in advance about this meeting so that she could have prepared her daughter, just as she was before she met the partner. However, more seriously, my friend is also very anxious about the boy himself - a teenager about whom she knows nothing and has herself never met, but with whom her daughter will be spending significant amounts of time?

What he would like to know is whether or not she is being neurotic, and if so, what is the way forward? As I said at the top, she has personal reasons to find this situation difficult. Is it normal to have concerns over a young child suddenly being exposed to a much older teenager, and potentially spending time alone with him, even though he has never met him and knows nothing about him?

I'd say what she is feeling is entirely normal and something that probably most separated parents feel - the fact that DD is going to be spending a lot of time with someone who really has nothing to do with her mum. I think the best thing she could do is trust the ex's judgement with this introduction. If she does have concerns, from what you've written it sounds like they get on rather amicably, so is it possible to speak to her ex-partner about the concerns she has?

Another point is, how much time will her daughter be spending with her ex's girlfriend's son in reality? Most 17 year olds I know are either out with mates or up in their rooms on X box or playstation.

Her feelings are entirely natural but unfortunately she has absolutely no right to ask or interfere I am afraid. who her daughter sees and spends time with whilst with her father is entirely his responsibility and there is nothing that she can do about it. Which I am guessing is not what she is going tenant to hear!

Legally if her ex has parental responsibility then he has the legal right to introduce his child to whoever he sees fit. That won't stop her feelings of unease but it is something she will have to learn to live with.

Perhaps she should take time to think about how she would feel if the situation was reversed and her ex was trying to tell her who she could introduce their daughter to and who she was allowed to spend time with especially if it involved her new partner.

Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh but I think it is better to present the realism of the situation if that makes sense

Tenant - to want bloody autocorrect

Would she be concerned about a teenage girl?

Thanks for the replies so far, all of which I will pass on.

I haven't asked, but I don't think she would have concerns about a teenage girl, as I think her concerns actually stem from a very particular incident of her own.

However, the two main points to come out of these replies are a) whilst it is natural to feel uneasy, she cannot reasonably interfere, nor should she want to, and b) teenage boys may have many bad faults, but to assume they are a risk to her daughter is unreasonable.

Is that right?

Pretty much yeah!

I am assuming from your comment about her past that she was abused as a child and that is awful for her but she cannot treat every teenage male as a threat. And i speak as a rape survivor.

On point a however, whether she wants to intervene or not is irrelevant unfortunately. She has no right to assuming that she trusts the judgement of her ex

I understand the emotions but I think that unless the 17 year old is a very paternal type of guy, he isn't going to be interested in the little girl and if he Is Interested in playing with her he will probably be a positive part of her life.

I think she is right to be wary of anyone she doesn't know who is getting involved with her daughter.
I agree the 17 yr old prob won't have much to do with the little girl in reality.
It is a stressful situation and yes the dad has he right to choose what he does with his dd when he has her and who she meets but it is only fair and adult/parent like to consider both parents feelings, discuss things and come up with compromises to make life bearable for everyone involved.

I'm not sure these 'fears' are natural/normal given that they relate only to the boy and not other family members/friends that the child will be spending time with... It's not fair on the little girls dad, his partner or her children. And by all accounts everyone so far seems to be reasonable and rational.

Perhaps your friend could explore some kind of therapy to help her with her fears/feelings which although are normal, even rational to her, may be impacting her life negatively still in an irrational way? Because if this 'concern' is voiced, it will be devastating for all of them and likely create a huge rift when no one has done anything wrong. I cannot emphasise how important/valuable it is to have a cooperative/normal new partner (and ex) in the picture. However, if this is discussed/insinuated or someone guesses how your friend is feeling, it will probably be WW3 between your friend and the new partner. Regardless of the background here, I think most people would find this insinuation quite hard to stomach if levelled at their own 17 year old child by a dp's ex (due to the already fractured/strained dynamics).

I don't think it's reasonable to be suggesting that her ex shouldn't be allowed to have a GF with a teenage son, even though her feelings may be understandable. My teenage DS shares a bedroom with younger DSS and I'd be horrified if DH's ex suggested my DS was a threat to him (or DSD either)

If she's on good terms with her ex though she could try telling him that - whilst rationally she knows it's fine - it makes her anxious. Would it help her if she was able to meet the teenager?

If she's not on good terms with her ex then she needs to try to let go and trust his judgement. Possibly with the help of counselling. And of course keep chatting with her DD, talk to her about what's OK and what's not ok in terms of physical contact, and let her know she can always tell her anything she's unhappy about.