Dislike being a SP?

[mamafos]

I have been with my DP for 8 years, DSD & DSS staying with us every weekend. I have always found the role difficult although had some rewarding times. Now they are 17 & 13 and only come on Sundays so life is a lot easier in many ways however they just don't talk to me unless I speak to them first and I only ever get one word answers. When there is a longer answer then DSD answers it to her dad and sort of forgets that I was in the conversation. They are completely spoilt which I find really irritating but I guess it isn't their fault. They always act like its dad's house, and Im just there to cook for them and when ever I ask for help, or to load the dishwasher I get horrible looks and a right attitude. Some weekends I start to feel anxious about them coming so I have to make sure I am out for the day because I just don't want to see them. More DSD to be honest. She is lovely and has a lovely nature but not with me. I do wonder whether I am cut out for being a SM. I'm sure if they were my own children I would feel like I could discuss how I felt more however I just don't feel they care what I feel like, especially DSD, she is all for her dad which is understandable at times but not 100% of the time to the point where I am just ignored in my own home. Anyone else feel the same. is this just normal teenagers ? I just feel irritated by them and disrespected I guess.

I can identify with some of that, and it's more dsd. I wonder if it's a female thing? I think of I saw more of DH in them maybe I'd feel deferent.

My step children are the same age as yours and I feel the same way! The eldest has been a teen since I've known her and she's always behaved the way you describe The youngest used to be all over me for cuddles and attention but now she'll only acknowledge me if she absolutely has to. If I try to make conversation with her then I get very little in return. I just don't know what to say to her anymore. Neither of them could care less about me and almost everything they say begins with 'dad' so I'm not included in the conversation. They didnt even respond to my hellos until recently... I now address them by name, if they don't answer, so they can't ignore me but it still feels awful when someone walks into my home and treats me like I'm invisible.
I can totally relate to the feelings of anxiety before their visits. Im so happy and at ease at home but when they visit I feel uncomfortable and awkward.

I'm not sure whether it's a teen thing or not. I can't help but take it very personally. I think they resent me being with their dad and I also think their mum has got a lot to do with their attitude towards me too.

Hugs to all of you. I don't like the situation at all. I have this continually, it never changes, never improves. I can never feel content that I've done enough and it's all fine now... Eureka, they like me! Nah, everyday is starting over from the same negative place. All I can do is detach from it and try not to spend too much time with them or take it personally. It was destroying our relationship, I kept expecting dp to 'do something' or 'say something'. I guess I didn't realise how soul destroying it is for him too. I used to push for more time, more opportunities. Now I accept that they don't want a relationship with me and my role is to be there for my dp. It's quite an adjustment between jumping through hoops in order to be liked, to actually not caring anymore. It's not really me. In my normal life I wouldn't put up with it, but this situation is unlike any other, seriously, anything else I've ever experienced.

Honestly if I was these kids actual mother, I wouldn't want this for them. I'd want them to be happy, I want them to accept their sm and enjoy their time. But no, she doesn't want that, she wants them to be miserable with us and that's what she's got, unhappy, stressed kids. What a fab childhood.

My situation came from where you are now OP but, is slightly different in that I don't see the perpetrator of my unhappiness. She's 20 yrs old now (have known her since age 11) and has refused contact with me (and pretty much her dad too, unless it's on her terms) for 3 yrs. Her nastiness has tainted any relationship I might have had with my eldest SD (25) and we used to get along well; she liked me and I had a genuine affection and interest in her. Now, even with eldest SD, it's horribly strained and tbh, I feel physically wrecked before even she arrives, which isn't that often. Youngest SD, right from the beginning, would ignore me (she was only young, I know) but it wasn't addressed and continued. She wouldn't speak to me/look at me/acknowledge me. If I spoke to her, she'd reply to her dad (it was like I wasn't even in the room....like she was answering an echo!). Dad (DH) did nothing. In 2011, I told her to clean her room, she objected and I haven't seen her since. Apparently, I had no right to tell her to clean her room and so, she's been punishing me and her dad, since. Obviously, it's not about the room tidying. It's about my coming here in the first place, marrying her dad and usurping her position as First Lady, in dad's life. I'm NOT the OW. Dad was long divorced when we met, as was I.

DH apologises for his kids. It has caused massive problems in our once rock solid relationship. My own ds (whom DH has known & loved since age 4 (youngest SD resented that too) has had a dreadful time, because of it). I detest my youngest SD and the situation she has put us in.

I feel physically ill at the thought of any contact with her now. I don't mean I just don't want to see her I mean I have an actual physical reaction, near-panic attack.....pulse goes up, breathing hard, massive anxiety. It's madness.

No advice really just....you're NOT alone.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. It is comforting to know I am not alone yet sad to hear. Being a 'problem solver' I find it very difficult not to be able to get to the problem, address it, move on and be happy. I am having to live in a world that doesn't feel like its in my control which is very difficult. As they have got older, and more distant and rude, I have tried to detach myself from them a bit and do more things with my friends and family but I can't do that all the time and it does upset DP because he wants me to be with them so we're all together, not all the time but a lot of it. DP just doesn't see the rudeness, he just sees his beautiful kids and gets extremely defensive when I tell him the reality - unless it is possitive of course. I know it must be difficult for them but it is bloody difficult for us too!
Eiiza your situation sounds dreadful, I really hope mine doesn't come to that and I hope you are getting a lot of support.

Its good to meet people in the same situation so we can share our problems, I'm sure my friends get sick of hearing it