New to step parenting and need advice

[Aliballybeebop]

Hi,
I have been with my partner for almost 3 years and recently moved in with him. He has 2 children who are lovely and I get on really well with. Although recently it has been tough and a big adjustment for us all. We have the kids 7 nights out of 14 and it's always worked well.

The problem we are having is the kids mother. She had never met me and knows nothing of me. She has told her daughter that if I go to see her on a school play she will take her daughter out the play. This kin of thing happens all the time. I really love and care for my partners children as if they are my own and I would do anything for them. I think their mum is really unreasonable and say things like I shouldn't be at important events and I will never be the kids step mum and if we ever get married the kids won't be there.

Am I wrong for loving these kids and wanting to see them do well and be part of their life both at school and out? I get the feeling I they have a big birthday or get married one day I won't be allowed to go and my partner misses out. I tell him to do things without me so he doesn't miss out but I know it really hurts him and he wants me involved and thinks it's important that I am there.

In really at my wits end and it's such a shame as it's really affecting the kids.

Sorry for my big rant but any advice would be appreciated.

It's a bloody minefield op

I think DP will take his mum to the show but we really don't think he should have too. He isn't going to go with the ex and pretend to be all happy families like she wants.

putting on a brave face and attending children's events as a united front is a very different thing to playing 'happy families', don't you think? don't you think that the children should see their parents making an effort to get along and do something for them?

why do you try and second guess a woman you've never met? how could you possibly know she is 'bitter' because her ex has 'moved on' and she hasn't? If care is being shared 50/50 then surely she's trying to do her best by the children?

For what it's worth, I'm not a nightmare, bitter ex. But I do I have more reason than most to be angry at my ex. But I do attend parent's evenings as parents jointly interested in the progress of their children and have, in the past, done the school play thing as a united front. I couldn't care less about his relationships (of which there are many) but there are ocassions when I feel the need to say something which will, no doubt, be viewed as 'difficult' and 'bitter' and generally antagonistic. I haven't 'moved on' in the sense that I am single but I am happy and and enjoy life generally. I would be very pissed off if a new partner assumed my standing up for what I think is right for my children was viewed as 'bitter' as a result of me not 'moving on'. I will never engage in any kind of formal meeting with my ex's partners because as far as I'm concerned, my relationship is with him and our children and anyone new isn't any of my business. And frankly, I didn't have children to share them with another woman who is in their life without my say so regardless of what I think. It would be futile, I think and I would struggle to keep my mouth shut and not say things like 'you know he has a prostitute habit, don't you?

Tell me about it! It's hard trying to put kids first and do what makes them happy. But it feels like the mum is more concerned about how she feels about the situation and how it makes her uneasy/ I'm sorry but it's not about the mum either- it about the kids.

I'll happily not go because I want an easy life and no arguing.

So frustrating- I'm just trying to be a good influence in their lives.

Not only am I a sm, but my dd has a sm.

She is amazing!
I like her, really like her, she is wonderful not only with my dd, but my ds as well, and I have looked after her and ex's baby a few times too.

We socialise together occasionally, and any combination of me, dp, ex and her have attended plays, parties, and fun days.

And do you know what, it still stings a bit when dd raves about her.

DP and the ex dot get along an don't do the 'united front' thing.

It's their agreement.

I am entitled to my opinion of this woman as she has formed one of me despite never having met me. I am always willing to give her benefit of the doubt and try to understand her reasons. I think it's a bit strange that she wouldn't want to know who is living with and spending time with her kids though.

From what I have heard of the ex the rules suddenly change when she has a partner. If that's not confusing I don't know what is.

Ah, and there is one of the biggest problems with these situations.

So much is based on what you have heard.

If you didn't know your dp, and were friends with the ex, you would undoubtedly be hearing very different things.

why is it strange? aren't we supposed to just put up and shut up? arent' we supposed to remember that we trusted this person enough to have children with so assume that they will always do their best by them? what if she decided - for very genuine reasons - she couldn't stand you? what would happen? is your partner going to stop seeing you?! I personally accept I have no influence whatsoever over my ex so meeting anyone he's involved with is just a pointless exercise. I don't trust him as far as I could throw him, but he's not going to listen to me and I have my own opinions about the women he gets involved with. I'm sure they'r every nice but they're really not a patch on me!

I know. But to be fair to DP he has always been really open and talks to me about their relationship - good and bad. But I agree there are 2 sides but I have witnessed first hand the rule change scenario when she had a brief relationship.

Why is life never easy !!!!

Fedupbutfine- i never thought of it that way!

I've never ha an opinion of the mum - I just don't fully understand her reasons and maybe it's because I am a differnt type of person.

I just want to be the type of extended family that all gets on for the kids sake. But clearly it's not possible in my situation.

OP no matter what you put into this relationship with the dsc, you will never get the credit you deserve or acceptance from the ex. This will probably be very emotionally trying on you as you have the best of intentions. I would try to detach from it for a bit for your own sake. Ie. Yes, you probably deserve to go, dp and kids want you there, however, is it worth the aggro and you feeling deflated, upset, excluded? It's not, it's not fair either, but you cannot change the ex. You cannot make her see the light or be less controlling unfortunately. She's laying the foundations for how she wants things to be, detaching is a good option in this situation. Your dp can negotiate on something else another day and read Divorce Poison on how to deal with hostil exes and parental alienation in the meantime.

Personally though I don't understand it. I also have an ex and his gf and am cool with whatever they do/attend. We're not in competition and I feel totally secure in my role. I'm not uncomfortable that they are there, why would I be? She's nothing to me, just ex's support act, it's fine. For me it's about my dc having peace in their lives. To feel free to enjoy both parents and the life both parents lead, partners included. Guilt-free, happy lives. That is what my kids have because I am happy to share them as it enriches their lives and gives us (me especially) stress-free lives. We have (ex and I) both overcome our difficulties and our kids have flourished and have love/care and respect for everyone in their lives. I feel so proud of that.

However OP you don't have this and likely you won't get it, as I won't get it with my dp's dc. I have learnt to detach from it as the more intense things got, the more dp suffered and he is my priority in this situation. I cannot change another person, I cannot change the situation, all I can do is love and support dp and hope one day his crazyex is less so (because their kids will beneft).

Shey02 you effectively have what I ultimately wMt but never going to have.

I think it's just going to be a rocky road for a while and I will need to try and detach and stop being sensitive about things. I guess, DP just wants me to be involved as much as possible and ex is just trying to set boundaries. Although as they have 50/50 custody it would be nice of try could work on that stuf together. But it will never happen as she thinks she has the final day on everything.

Thanks again everyone got a lot to ponder over and consider. Xx

It's really nice your dp wants you a part of things and the kids too. I don't have that with my dp's children, far from it. Your strength is in your partnership though, keep that strong and you will benefit long term. x

In a dramatic turn of events my DSD phoned me this morning before her dad took them home to say her mum had chnaged her mind and I am now allowed to go to the play. Which is nice and the happiness in DSD voice was unreal. She was so excited to tell me and said she really wanted me to go.

I always hope that this means their mum is changing her tune towards the whole situation. But I can't help but think she is only changing her mind becasue she has asked my DP for school uniform money - which he would give her regardless of any play.

anyway main thing is DSC are happy with the outcome. DP is a grump because exW is calling the shots but he knows that ultimately it the kids that matter.

I agree with crazy ex

I've been a step parent for 7 years when I had my first and only daughter and it changed my view of the step son and my dp ex and when he left me recently it all changed again so I've got a very good view from all aspects

My ex dp made out his ex was unreasonable and crazy and wouldn't let me talk to her but since he left me I've been in contact with her and she's lovely.

I don't think your partners ex would pull her daughter out of the play really I think if she really did say that it was probably a spur of the moment heated reaction to a very emotional situation

I HATE sending my daughter to spen time with her dad and his new partner. I am a reasonable person who knows she needs a relationship with her dad so I have to encourage this. I go through hell hearing after what this ow has been doing with my precious baby. I'm glad she's trying but if I heard my ex new woman say she loved my dd or felt like she was her own I'd feel like punching her (I wouldn't actually for the record but that's how strongly I feel and I'm sure most mums would)

It's lovely you are being a good role model but please, back off a bit. In time the mum will adjust as your partners dd gets older because it does get easier with time but for now, it's not your daughter and if her mum doesn't want you at school play don't go. She ll appreciate that you have considered her feelings and it will go in your favour