New to step parenting and need advice

[Aliballybeebop]

Hi,
I have been with my partner for almost 3 years and recently moved in with him. He has 2 children who are lovely and I get on really well with. Although recently it has been tough and a big adjustment for us all. We have the kids 7 nights out of 14 and it's always worked well.

The problem we are having is the kids mother. She had never met me and knows nothing of me. She has told her daughter that if I go to see her on a school play she will take her daughter out the play. This kin of thing happens all the time. I really love and care for my partners children as if they are my own and I would do anything for them. I think their mum is really unreasonable and say things like I shouldn't be at important events and I will never be the kids step mum and if we ever get married the kids won't be there.

Am I wrong for loving these kids and wanting to see them do well and be part of their life both at school and out? I get the feeling I they have a big birthday or get married one day I won't be allowed to go and my partner misses out. I tell him to do things without me so he doesn't miss out but I know it really hurts him and he wants me involved and thinks it's important that I am there.

In really at my wits end and it's such a shame as it's really affecting the kids.

Sorry for my big rant but any advice would be appreciated.

Ages?

Kids not yours :-)

Really something to leave to your DP to sort out, don't get involved in petty fights over the kids. After all, they aren't yours and if you ahve an unreasonable ex this involved will just provoke her.

I'm not sure how mum would know you were going to the play, did she really mean if she saw you in the audience she would take her daughter off stage??

Don't put the kids in the firing line but in future tell them how much you'd like to see them do xyz and ask them if they'd like you to come. If they say yes, then DP can just tell the ex that, much harder for the ex to make the decision for the child if you have already sounded them out.

But genuinely, if your DP agrees with you attending these things, and I can't see why they wouldn't, it's really up to them to set the ex straight. But be prepared for it to be a long, slow process.

Kids are 10 and 7.

I try not to get inclined in their arguments as it's their kids. I have never met their mum (but I would like to because I live with her kids half a week i think id wanna know that person). I think the wee girl told her mum that me and her dad were going and the mum said well if she goes your not doing the play. Your not her child why does she need to go. Which is a fair point an to be honest if it keeps the peace I won't go. But it's a bit horrible saying things like that. Their mum wants to do things with their dad like shows etc and act all happy families giving kids a false sense that they will get back together.

I let their dad all the reasoning with the mum but I feel guilty for loving these kids so much. Surely it would be better if their mum just got along with everyone and we all could go and be a supportive family unit. If it was me I would out aside my differences justt I keep my child happy.

it's not unusual for split families to fall out over things like school plays. I'm divorced from my boys dad, and have a DP with two DC so I'm on both sides of the coin these days. My XH and I get along perfectly well in a polite handover situation, but being at school plays together with his DP would be excruciating for all of us. That's the nature of our breakup and subsequent divorce. So I'd always prefer that our boys are spared witnessing that.

However, schools usually put on more than one performance of these things so as long as we plan in advance (and both of us are quite capable of calling the school to find out when the performances are, then check which one is better for us time wise) we can simply agree to attend one each, with or without our current DP's, so that doesn't happen. If we can both only go to the same showing, DP's don't come. Simple.

Could your DP start addressing these sorts of things in the same way? Calling to check when she's going, and simply book another show? If you really can't work it out, I would suggest that this isn't a major problem, from a big picture point of view. Not being allowed to attend your wedding would be. So, if you can - pick your battles here. And rant away when you need to :) it's bloody hard work pleasing everyone, and in my experience, not possible.

Do not budge. Don't be aggressive about it but you sound reasonable and as long as what you are doing is reasonable and child focused, stick with it. I bent over backwards to please the exW at first and all that happened was her demands increased. Don't get involved but don't let your DP push you out for an easy life if you're not doing anything wrong.

She is totally unreasonable about everything. This is the first time DSD has asked me to go to something which for me was really nice and my DP thought it was great. It's just such a shame that her mum is saying if I go she can't do the play. Unfortunately their is only one show for parents the rest is for schools to come and see.

I can see why she does certain things and I try to explain that so the kids understand too nd not to think bad of their mum.

If I had children to an ex I would want his new partner to be involved to a degree - i wuld have certainly met the woman who is living under the same roof as my children. Instead of being childish and talking about me to the kids saying horrible things when she doesnt even know me. Its sometimes hard to work out who the child is!!

Thanks fro the advice. usually we manage something and DP throughhis own daftness ends up missing out. I never want him to miss out. He has put so much in to the kids I hate seeing them all worked up.

thanks again guys - I thought I was being wrong for trying to be involved and love 2 kids who I have no real connection too.

Surely that is better than being a total moron to them and not giving a monkeys.

To be fair DP has been so good and understanding with it all but sometimes I think he says what he thinks I want to hear. Its nice to hear it from others that I'm doing the right thing.

It's been a huge adjustment for everyone and I cannot begin to describe the love I have for the 2 Kids and I would do anything for them. I treat them as I would a neice and nephew. I have told them also I am not a replacement or there to take anyones place. Im just an extra and they should see me as a friend or an auntie type figure.

Hopefully it will all work out eventually.

One thing your DP could try - if he goes to the play or any other without you - is to go with a friend or someone else, or else go alone, but turn up only just as it's starting. ie don't go with his ex. Parents generally turn up to these things as a couple - and separated parents do too sometimes, which is fine if you get along but more difficult if one of you has a new partner and the other doesn't. So it would be good for his ex to get used to going to this sort of thing on her own or with a friend and not with her ex, then she might find it less hard to move to having her ex turn up with someone else.

And if he does have any mutual friends of hers that he trusts, he could ask them to ask her along with them. That could help too.

It's great that you love the DSC. It's not wrong to feel fond of them, but it might be tactful to keep your fondness within your family. Realistically, your DSC's mum could well find it more of a threat that a reassurance. So best enjoy them when they're with you but leave your DP to do all the liaison with his ex, and possibly the contact with the school, etc too.

is there a ticket issue you aren't aware of? a lot of schools (and particularly if there is only one performance) will only allow 2 tickets per family (so if all 3 of mine are involved we're only allowed 2 tickets) which is very problematic for separated families. In these cases, I am afraid that you have no choice but to step aside.

From my perspective, they are not your children and if atmosphere and difficulties in public (and, ultimately, in the children's home) are likely to cause a problem, it may well be best to let this go, regardless of what the children say they want. It should be relatively easy to come up with a good excuse - and a mobile phone can now record everything so it's not like you would have to miss out entirely. Sometimes you have to be sensitive to the wider issues - and what you won't be fully aware of is what has gone on, how they broke up, who's said what adn who's threatened what. I can say with some certainty that whatever story you've had from your partner, it'll only be the tip of the iceberg! She may well have good reason, she may be being difficult for the sake of it. Is it really going to matter in the long run? does it really affect your relationship with the children or is a battle for the sake of winning, regardless of who gets hurt along the way?

There wasn't a ticketing issue it's just their mum being awkward and horrible. I never ask to go to anything if never put the kids in an impossible position. They come first and that I somethig I strongly believe in. I think she is just bitter because he has moved on and she thought it would be her that ha the happy ever after and it's not been the case. I feel like she constantly dangles the kids as bait for these type of things.

I don't pretend to be their mum or try to be I just want what's best for them.

I think DP will take his mum to the show but we really don't think he should have too. He isn't going to go with the ex and pretend to be all happy families like she wants.

I have always wanted to meet the kid mum - not to rub my relationship in her face but just so we could try and be civil but it's been 5 year since they split and 3 since I have been there. This show is just one of many events and comments she has come away with.

I don't think I should feel guilty for showing an interest and caring for two little innocent people. If I didn't then that would be a fault too!

Perhaps let the parents get on with the parenting??

School plays for example, are only of interest if you have a child in it, your dP is making it all about him, as are you. Get over it and respect the kids. You're trying too hard and calling their mum childish when it's you who is pushing things isn't fair.

Maybe the DC have enough 'aunties' and friends?

Children can never have too many people to love and care for them "crazy ex" you don't need to be a parent either to want to share in things that a child you care about has or is doing. I go to see my friends daughters dance shows sometimes, grandparents and aunties go and watch school plays. OP lives with these children half their lives!

The OP clearly has more of a problem in that the actual parents might be doing things together than what is best for the actual children. It's all about her own insecurity and pissing on territory. Bitching about their mum is not cool.

If someone were to profess that they loved my kids "as their own", I would also tell her to back off.

I don't think it's helpful to say what you would do in her situation. You say you love these kids like your own, but until you have your own you have no idea how protective you would feel about someone else trying to step into your shoes, co parenting with their dad.

I think you do need to be a bit respectful of their mum's feelings here, it's not fair that she feels uncomfortable at her kids' school performances because of your presence.

My DCs have asked DP to come along to school plays etc and I have always asked exH if he was ok with that, which he is. If he said he thought it was wrong, I would respect that and either do as others have suggested and ask if he'd mind us going to a different performance or just say to the DCs that DP couldn't make it.

I think you need to step back a bit for the sake of the children you say you love.

As a pp said you really don't know that she's just being difficult for the sake of it, or what went on with your dp and his ex.

I have never been to a school play or parents evening of my dss, because no matter my feelings for him, he has parents and even after 10 years, I'm not one of them.

I get what crazyex is sayin although not once have I made this about me. Im not bothered about me. I'm frustrated at how unreasonable the kids mother is acting and the position she puts the kids in.

Crazy ex I'll just stop caring and giving a monkeys about the kids. And then when I have my own I will keep them all seperate and never include DP kids in anything. How utery rediculous!

What exactly am I pushing?

Thanks polkasotsandspots you seem to understand what I mean. As do many of you. Good to see both sides though and is giving me food for thought.

Yes absolutely, take more account of a grown adults feelings that what the kids want.

I also don't doubt for a minute how protective I would be of my own children. But I would want them to be happy - that comes before my feelings. I would suck up the situation if it made my kids happy.

Caring and being unnecessarily involved in every minutiae of their lives when there are two willing and able parents already to do it, are two separate things.

The thing is, there were two parents before, there are two now - and happily they can be in the same room for the sake of their kids together- just because they are not involved in a romantic way, doesn't mean that you need to be there too diluting the already diluted parenting time that now exists. It's not personal. It's just not about you.

crazyex that second paragraph is brilliant, that's it exactly op.

No one is saying you can't be involved in anything or that you can't feel sad that the ex feels this way, but vent here, we will listen and sympathise

So grandparents, aunties, godmothers etc shouldn't go to shows? Your argument makes no sense.

Of course sometimes extra family members might go but it's not an expectation and it's usually on request of the DC. If every DC had two parents, two step parents and various other relatives go all the time then school events would get silly. Mostly it's about making sure the DC have a familiar face in the audience - if mine were to have no one then I'd even ask the ex's girlfriend as a very last resort because it's about putting them first. (But if I were to be there then I'd. It expect her to be there or even interested)

Mutton the op isn't any of those things though.

Rightly or wrongly the ex has made her feelings clear, and for the sake of the dc, she shouldn't go.

If the ex is bitter and twisted as op suspects, and she ignores her wishes, then what will that put the dc through?
Bring pulled from their play?
Hearing rants from their dm?
Contact being affected?

A few months in to living with your dp isn't really the time to be making a stand when the alternative is just to simply step back a bit.

*not expect

I agree and it's not about me! My point is DSD want us all to be at her play and her mother claimed if I went she would not be allowed to perform in the play. I never asked to go. I also told DP to go without me as I always do at these things. I don't want hassle or make the kids uncomfortable. And if I come across as having done so then I. Have a lot to work in but like I day I am new to the whole parenting thing let alone the step parenting. We are all learning boundaries and I hate to think I am crossing them. Loving them as if my own is maybe a strong statement but I do rhenuknely try my best to put them first and do anything for them. And ok that's not my job but I live with them half the week it's hat not to care and get attached.