Maintenance payments

[BigPigLittlePig]

Dh lost his job 3 months ago now - each month since, he has paid half of what he was previously giving in maintenance (which was a good amount above the csa amount). He is currently earning nothing, as is not entitled to job seekers. Now I do not mind supporting him and continuing in half payments, with a view to assessing future payments once he has a job. The issue is that he stupidly said to xp that, once he had a job, he would make the "missed" payments up. Now, this has made me quite cross as we have tightened our belts to compensate, and xp is not struggling in any way (and that is not an asumption, she makes it clear that that is the case). Xp is on dhs back every weekend, "have you got a job yet? when can I have my money?" etc etc.

I have said to dh today that he needs to address this asap - suggestions please about how to bring this up with xp without causing ructions? Or am I BU?

It's difficult because he said he would. But he has no legal obligation to pay above the csa amount or make up what he wasn't paying.

Could you offer to pay her an extra £20 a week when he has a job to make it up in installments? Although if she doesn't NEED it and you and your family do then it just isn't right for her to have it to spend on extras because let's be honest if he gave her £1000 in one lump sum would she take your step kids out shopping and buy them things they needed or wanted, or would she book a holiday?

Also the longer he has no job the longer you will struggle and the more debt to her will build up. It is unreasonable for her to expect a two adult family to live on one income or for you to be paying for her son.

You can't pay what you don't have. Your DH xp is going to have to understand that especially if she isn't struggling. It's not like he is trying to avoid paying, he has explained to her and kept her in the 'loop'

I agree with Alitia about the lump sum. Only you know what the xp would be likely to do with it.

Dsd wants for nothing. I cannot speculate where the money would go, she may put it in dsds savings, however I suspect it may find its way to help fund their house extension.

I pointed out to dh last night that when he gets a new job, he is unlikely to be earning what he was before, so not only would he be paying a higher percentage of his income if the amount stayed the same (which actually I would have said was fine) but potentially more on top of that, plus he would be "indebted" to xp for years, and having only just finished paying off the debts accrued through that relationship, that seems like a crazy situation to be in.

I think he's been very stupid rash to make a "promise" which, at this moment in time, he can't possibly confirm he'll actually be able to keep - and TBH, why should he ?? I'm sure he thinks he's being very noble and responsible etc etc but as you say, he a) doesn't know how long he'll be without a job and b) what he'll earn when he does get another one.

No-one would dispute that (for most people) having any aspect of your income cut is nice. But were your DH and his ex still together - for the sake of argument - she would have to cut her cloth accordingly, just as you are belt tightening now. That reality doesn't alter if a couple is separated, and the fact she's continuing to receive - thanks to your generosity - more than she would have done had CM been calculated right now on DH's non existent income really should be something she's appreciative of, never mind badgering him about getting a new job and "where's my money" (though he's also to blame for this).

Thing is, if you're going to continue with a voluntary CM arrangement, as opposed to using the CSA, that question needs to be addressed when he gets a new job and when you know exactly where you stand. And the whole issue needs to be something that both you and him agree with each other based on your overall household income and expenses (obviously so long as it is at least the minimum CSA sum). Only when you've agreed that figure together should he then be going to the ex.

In fairness, I think he should speak to her sooner rather than later and explain that he shouldn't have made a rash promise he can't keep. He can assure her that once he gets a job CM will resume based on his new income, which may mean less money than she received before (so she's prepared for a drop) but that he won't be paying the "shortfall" arising from his period of unemployment. If, between you, you do agree that some nod to that time might be manageable then obviously he can always give her a lump at a later date - after all, who's going to refuse money you weren't expecting ? - but it's crazy to let her think, and to be indebted, as of now when you have no idea of the future. If the ex kicks off I think she needs to be reminded that actually she's very fortunate to still be receiving half of a sum which was well above CSA when its source - you !! - has no legal obligation to make this payment. Many stepparents simply wouldn't be able to make such a payment in similar circumstances and the ex would have to tighten her belt if necessary just as you are and just as she would have done had she still been with him.

If he's really intent on repaying this "debt" I'd be very worried and very angry given it will impact on your household and no discussion's been had by the sounds of it.

Excellent post Catsmother. Maintenance payments cannot be ring-fenced, set in stone, and protected against fluctuating fortunes.

Catsmother I may just show him and the ex your post you clever lady.

When my dp was made redundant and payments had to drop by a significant amount for a while (not there long enough for any payout to speak of), we had dss more than normal.

Can your dp do that at all?
Any extra weekends or school runs for example?

I tend not to get involved with the CM payments in our household so I let DP sort that out - However, and i know its prob not relevant to this post - It seems that whenever she gets the money, her and the kids eat out for a week and go on trips. which would'nt bother me if she didnt plead poverty all the time.

DP and exW have their arrangement and it means almost everything to do with the kids is split 50/50.

I don't grudge the kids anything at all - I'd give them all I had if it kept a roof over their head, clothes on their back and food on the table. But she just seems so irresposnsible with the money. The kids constantly get sent over with holey clothes, no jackets, needing showers because she claims she can't afford it. (that last one really bursts my nut!!)) The next thing we know she has her monthly payment and is eating out for a week and going on trips to the zoo or safari park or funfair.

If DP couldn't afford the CM then I would be reluctant handing over my hard earned cash to their mum knowing she is going to waste it. Especially as their is no legal obligation for me to do so and would be doing it out of niceness and for the kids sake.

Its a really tricky situation, but I certainly wouldn't be happy if he offered to make the payments up without discussing it. He would be getting told he needs to find th money and it doesnt come from the family/ household/joint budget.

Thanks for the suggestions.

Although we would me more than happy to have dsd more, xp is reluctant as it is to send her our way as she "doesn't see her much" (she is a sahm).

Have had a chat with dh and he agrees he was daft to suggest what he did. No discussion with the xp yet though Shall make sure it happens this weekend though as I hate the feeling it is hanging over us . There's enough pressure to get a job as it is, without her breathing down his neck.

Dh had an interview the other week, and she rang to ask if he had got the job. Dh was speaking to dsd, and when dsd found out he hadn't she burat into tears and said "but I won't be able to get a monster high doll" Priorities folks?!

Urggh - I hate that sort of unnecessary spiteful emotional blackmail. Most kids wouldn't immediately associate what they want - or the lack of it - with their parent losing their job. Either they'd be too young to understand the implications, or they'd be old enough to appreciate that belts would have to be tightened for a while. What's the betting the ex has told SD that unless her dad gets a job she can't have this that or the other ? .... which is very unfair and paints him as the villain. Any reasonable parent would explain that Monster High dolls (which are pretty horrid anyway but I digress ...) aren't the most important thing ATM. We used to get this sort of thing with DP's ex - anything she couldn't or wouldn't pay for would be blamed on DP's "lack" of maintenance (when he was paying several hundred more than CSA every month) as opposed to her sensibly explaining that she didn't think it was appropriate, or wasn't value for money, or wasn't actually deserved or whatever the real reason was. I've lost count of the times the stepkids snarled at DP because it was all his "fault" they didn't get their own way - and meanwhile Mummy looked whiter than white.

Hope he steels himself for that chat asap - she won't like it but realistically what can she do ? And you know she's being treated very generously.

Yep that's what happens all the time, Cats. A few yrs ago, whej she was 3, dsd was doing no fewer than FIVE classes (ballet, baby zumba, etc) so when dd was born, and the maintenance reduced (by literally 5%) it was all "oh daddy won't pay for you to do that anymore". Really really frustrating.

But it is such a shame she can't have a monster high doll They are such lovely objects, non?

^^sarcastic