5 year old step daughter & newborn

[Angelina77]

Can anyone advise on how best to handle the first months with newborn and 5yo step daughter? I don't want to cancel any visits (eow) but I'm worried that it could be awful and she will go home unhappy giving ammunition to partner's ex to reduce access or cancel a holiday we have planned.

Due in 3 wks, live in a tiny bungalow so there's nowhere to escape to so lack of sleep will be an issue for all of us. I don't want my partner to leave me for too long in the first 2 weeks either.

I'm starting to really dread the first weekend with all 4 of us

I felt the same, and it was fine. A few teething problems, is there anyway she could maybe have a sleepover? At grandma's, or aunt or uncles for one of the two nights?

It's completely normal to feel like this but she may be just as excited to help with fetching nappies, creams, or helping to feed (if bottle)

I'd just try and include her in to as much as you can if possible. Get her to help with nappies and wipes, let her help you pick out clothes. Also if you need a bit of sleep and respite - could your DP take her out to the park or soft play for an hour while you get some shut eye. That way, you get your sleep and she gets a little one on one with dad also.

Thanks for the replies.

She is excited but she gets bored very easily and is very stroppy when tired. I'm envisaging baby screaming all day & night and no-one sleeping. I think 48 hours of that is a lot for anyone, let alone a 5 yo.

I agree with the family stopover idea but partner is worried she'll feel excluded and also family are 50 miles away so he will have do a lot of drving (while tired).

You'll manage the same way you would if she lived with you full time, except that after that you'll get 5 days without a 5 yo to look after on top of a newborn. I'm not down playing how hard it can be with a newborn and an older dc, but tbh plenty of people do it.

Be aware that the older dc may feel left out that her dad is living with the newborn full time and she only sees him some of the time, so make sure he is free to spend as much time as she needs with just her, not tending to the baby too much.

You will have plenty of time for him to help you and spend time with the baby, his weekends with dd should be very much about her at the moment, to reassure her that nothing has changed. There's time for getting into 'family mode' later once she's more secure with the new arrival.

In the early days you will probably be riding high on adrenaline anyway, it's probably 3-4 months in when the sleep deprivation really hits and you might need a bit of respite, but with only one child to look after, who will presumably nap throughout the day, you can catch up on some zzzs then.

Actually I don't think it is the same as having an older child full time, I think it could be a lot more stressful. If he comes on his due date, step daughter will be here around 5 days later which, according to what I've read, could be the worst time for me. I'm trying to prepare for the worst case, anything else is a bonus.

It's only 2 days out of 14 - it will be fine. Just do whatever you would do normally and take your very very portable newborn with you!

Make her feel involved, have you got a small present from the baby for her? Something like stickers that she could get on with and enjoy but still think that the baby had thought about her? A big sister special t-shirt to wear? (Mothercare do them for £5).

I don't think I'll be that 'portable' 5 days post-partum.

Can your partner spend more time with your step daughter? Leaving you in to chill with the baby. The 5 year old might need a lot of reassurance and i would concentrate on her needs. But wait and see. If you have a c section, you might need your partner around more

I think that with a new baby you do need to rest. Is your partner's ex reasonable? I'd say it might be best to play it by ear, let her come for a short visit, say 30-60 minutes to meet her new sibling, then either home again or your DH could take her out. Instead of her staying over you could maybe repeat the same arrangement both days of the weekend? Only for the first weekend - I think you need to go back to normal ASAP for her sake, as others have said, but your recovery is important too.

I'm seriously thinking of partner and step daughter camping out in the garden to ensure they get some sleep! I think she would love that.

Ex was (maybe understandably) unhappy about the baby in the beginning. She's intimated that she may reduce summer access if step daughter has any issues. This is my biggest fear really.

She's intimated that she may reduce summer access if step daughter has any issues. This is my biggest fear really.

I can't see there being any problem like this provided she's felt involved and reassured by both of you. Having a new baby is a big change but it can also be the most rewarding for all involved. It'll take a while to find a routine that suits your family but given time I'm sure you'll all find your feet with whatever works for everyone :)

Involve her in everything you can (getting you the wipes when doing nappies, maybe gradually teach her how to do a nappy) and encourage everyone to have naps during the day. After the first week of baby you'll probably be ready to go out (if not before) so have a family trip to the park once a day at the weekend and get dp to take her out shopping or to see grandparents as well. Does she like watching dvds? it might be that you need a couple of Dvd days early on! If you have money spare maybe buy her a new toy, something that would keep her occupied, maybe a second hand ds (can get them for around £30) or an educational vtech toy?

I also think you'd be surprised how much a 5 year old will sleep through!

Also do you have plans for if you go into labour or are still in hospital when she's due to be with you?

It might not be as bad as you're worrying about.

I have a 4 month old DS and a 6 year old DD.

6 year old sleeps right through all of baby's night wakings. I think he's woken her once in 4 months. She doesn't seem to notice or mind any crying in the day either, other than to tell me he's is crying and to put his dummy in for him :)

She wasn't jealous at all, more curious at first and now he's smiling and laughing she thinks he's cute and plays with him. DH was fine entertaining her whilst I got on with the baby in the early days, and of course she's good at playing by herself as she's been an only child until now :)

Fwiw I totally sympathise with how you feel and my dsc's are a lot older!

I did ask for our first weekend after dd was born to be cancelled. Originally we had planned for the dsc's to stay with dp's parents and said we would take the baby up for a couple of hours everyday and dp could stay there with them and I would bring baby home but unfortunately the day o went in to be induced mil was diagnosed with terminal cancer and keptbin hospital as she was so ill having hidden it from everyone.

Dp got called into work at the last minute, I was exhausted and there was no way I could deal with dsc's and a week old baby. I was still struggling due to blood loss during birth and various other health issues due to pregnancy so I wanted some peace.

Exw was vile about it because we hadn't had them the previous contact weekend as she had cancelled it about 3 months prior as had booked a holiday only to cancel her holiday at the last minute and expect us to change our plans as she didn't want the kids.

Dp was brill and put his foot down but we did agree to them coming for 10 days when dd was 3 weeks old and tbh ot wasn't as bad as I expected. Don't get me wrong it was very hard as p was at work but nowhere near as bad as I had built it up to be

I feel for you OP. Been there 3 times now! It isn't the same as having a child who's there full-time. The whole dynamic of a household changes when a SC comes and again when he / she goes.

I'd echo what everyone's said about being surprised what a 5 year old sleeps through....My 5 year old and 3 year old are yet to be woken by my now 7 month old!

5's old enough for the cinema and there are a lot of kids' films out atm. I'd have DP take her both Sat and Sun if you can afford it; to give you a couple of hours to yourself with bub.

As far as the ex cancelling summer contact - that's an unreasonable and unfair threat and should be treated as such. You can't live with those kind of threats looming over you. If she's likely to do that I think your DP should probably pre-empt it with mediation / solicitors letter / court application.

Good luck with the birth

We used ds being a newborn as an excuse for dp and dss to trawl through his baby pictures, exclaiming at (sometimes made up) similarities, talking about silly things like how loud he would trump, or funny faces he would pull.

Your dp can set you up in the bedroom with a flask of tea and snacks and head out to the park, dsd can have a doll and pack of prem baby nappies (much cheaper than doll nappies), and copy you at change/bath time.

Good luck op!

My dsd was the same age, I was worried but all worked out fine. She didn't get disturbed once by night crying and was just beside herself with excitement about it all. We got her a baby doll and me and her really bonded during this time, as I taught her how to change its nappy, 'wind' it etc. Dp took her to the park lots for special one to one time.

They have a lovely relationship now, couldn't have hoped for more.

You'll manage the same way you would if she lived with you full time,

You will have plenty of time for him to help you and spend time with the baby, his weekends with dd should be very much about her at the moment, to reassure her that nothing has changed. There's time for getting into 'family mode' later once she's more secure with the new arrival.

These seem like contradictory pieces of advice, though. I mean, yes, every new parent needs to make an effort to spend time with his/her older children in order to make them feel secure, but this sounds like "on the days DSD is there, have her dad make it all about her and get by without your partner's help" which is pretty darn different from 'get on with things just as you would if she lived there all the time'.

I'd say don't bother trying to convince her that "nothing has changed" (of course it has!) - involve her, do things as a family, and help her feel that this is a change for the better. Good luck. She's at a good age to get a sibling and might deal with it better than you think.

Most couples find that the husband ends up doing more with the older ones when they are around to give the mum time with the baby while stopping the older one feeling left out.

Obviously there is time for family stuff later on, but in the early days babies aren't much fun for young dcs and they are generally going to be happier spending 'quality time' with one parent, rather than feeling left out while dad fusses over mum and new baby.

IMO this is even more important for a child who isn't resident 100% of the time.

Plenty of new mums have to manage without their husband being around all the time, the implication here seems to be that op wants her dp to be free to concentrate on her and baby and so the older one will be left out and would be better staying away for a while. In a 'first' family that's not an option. You just manage because that's how it works.

the implication here seems to be that op wants her dp to be free to concentrate on her and baby and so the older one will be left out and would be better staying away for a while.

I don't think that is what the OP is saying (she has indicated several times that she is concerned about being a first-time mum to a newborn but that her bigger worry is that the ex will find an excuse to reduce contact), and it's not what I am saying. If DH and I have a second child together, though, I would firmly expect DH to be here 'fussing over mum and new baby' - not making himself scarce with our DD. If the OP's partner works, she's already coping on her own much of the time, like other mums, and is quite within reason to want her DH's support and presence on the weekends.

in the early days babies aren't much fun for young dcs - no, and that, as you say, is just how it works. If DSD is going to be a part of the family, then treat her like one, warts and all. Include her, don't treat her like a guest.

Well it's true that any new mother wants to be able to share it all with her dp so if he has to take the older child away then it does take something away from it.

I do think that a step child is different from having your own child already. If it's your first you want to really enjoy it as a couple and it's all new to you so you might need help from your dp that you wouldn't have if you'd done it all before.

Unfortunately, with most families, a woman is more likely to feel self conscious about breast feeding in front of a step child than her own child, and if things like the baby blues appear, little irritating things the child might do are more likely to drive her mad than if it was her own child. its just how it is.

Dsd lives with us ft. but I do have some worries due to her personality and learning difficulties. We will have to instill into her from day one that she cannot just grab the baby (she's tried to grab a friends baby off me before), and that while I want her to help me etc she cannot always as there will times were in a rush etc and I do not want upset/ tantrumy dsd because I won't let her help me do the nappy when I'm already late for a doctor's appointment! Only you ans your family know your dsc well enough anticipate how they might be when you have he baby.

When DD was born (she's 9 weeks now) I was really worried about how DSS (5) would cope but he's been totally fine. He came for the weekend when DD was 5 days old and we made sure we included him lots in helping, fetching nappies etc and we wrote a list of special "big brother jobs" like shaking a rattle if she's crying, giving cuddles etc that made him feel he had his own role to play but didn't be too "helpful" by trying to pick her up etc which I was worried about! I also got him to help choose a welcome to the family present for DD to give her when she was born, and bought a present for him from DD which we gave him when he came for the weekend.
DP did also take him to the park on his own so they had some time together and I strolled down later with the baby in the pram so we had family time.
I wouldn't worry too much about night wakings either, both DS and DSS sleep through all of DD screaming at 3am!

Thanks for all the reassurance and advice, I'm feeling a lot better about it now.