Adding Step Dad's name to Residency Order?

[polkadotsandspots]

Have name changed for anonymity..

My ex and I have a shared res order. Set times and locations for the children to move to each parents home, all kept to rigidly.

Ex likes to be rude to me and claimed at Court that he felt stressed if me and my partner both turned up to collect or drop off the kids and wanted it added to the Order that we don't both come, just me and if I am "unavailable" just my partner. I agreed to save an argument.

If I am at work my partner will collect them/drop them off for me. He hates my partner being around the kids (not OM or anything bad just jealousy mainly). I'd rather this didn't have to happen but as times and dates are set rigidly I can't always get of work at the correct times.

He has often hung around after my partner has collected threatening to take them back again and has asked where I am every time my partner collects or drops them off as the Court Order state he will do it if I am unavailable so he feels the right to ask for proof I am unavailable and not just avoiding him.

One day when my ex didn't turn up to collect them (my partner had waited at the cafe for 45 min no call from my ex) my partner left the agreed meeting place and my ex called the Police saying his kids had been abducted. Police obviously jumped into action and ex gleefully called me to say he had reported my partner to Police and they were on their way to arrest him. I explained that was ridiculous, they weren't "abducted" they were back at home.. He hadn't told the Police it was my partner who had care of the kids and it was him who turned up late as he wanted a big panicked response and to make my partner look bad. In the end he looked like a fool to the Police and they told my partner to keep the kids overnight and ex collected them the next day.

My partner has lived with me and the kids for 2.5 yrs now, we are due to get married next year. I worry every single time I'm working and cant be there at the set times to collect and my partner collect the kids as I know ex is out to cause issues and delay/ruin the kids coming back to us.

The only way I can think to resolve this is to have my partners name added to the Residency Order so that ex doesn't have this "power" over him, right now he know that as he has PR and my partner doesn't the Order doesn't stop him refusing to hand the kids over to my partner. Would that make any difference? Would a Judge grant that given the circumstances?

His latest email has warned me that there may be a delay in the children being collected if my partner arrives to collect them and he feels I am not "unavailable" just getting my partner to collect as I am avoiding him. Unavailable is pretty ambiguous but he seems to think it means just if I am working.

He has also claimed that I have breached the Court Order by us both being there to drop off the children to him. We arrived at the drop off point early as we were passing through with all of us in the car (my partners child too) we had gone into the cafe as she wanted the loo and it will still 20mins or so til the agreed time. Ex arrived early, saw us and walked over to us and said "aha so you are both here you've breached the order". I explained he was very early and my partner wouldn't have been here if he arrived on time but he's adamant that he's cleverly "tricked" us. Petty but so damn annoying"

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

I can tell that you and your partner are desperately trying to do the right thing by the children, shame your ex-husband doesn't behave as an adult too. Your poor children are caught in the middle. I'm not legally trained but I wouldn't think that you could add a partner to a residency order but the process would probably get easier once you are married. I'd be inclined to get hitched sooner rather than later, that would send the message to your ex-husband that you are strong and are working as a team. Your partner sounds like a rock, stick it out and don't let the ex grind you down.

Bless you, thanks. We have been together since not long after ex and I separated and the children don't remember a time when he wasn't with us as they were so young when ex and I separated.

I stupidly agreed to work residency around ex's inflexible shifts so we could share residency, but this means pick up and drop offs often clash with my own working hours so my partner does it for me. Bit ironic really, it's only a problem for me because I tried to make it easy for him!

Is there any way you can get the residency order altered so that you can do the drop offs or pick ups yourself? Or could more of them be via school?

Or would a note from you saying that your DP has your authority to care for the kids at all times help? The parent with PR has and who has the kids according to the contact schedule has the right to leave them in the care of anyone they like for any reason. Would a solicitors letter to confirm that help?

I think your ex would have to agree to your DP having PR or else it would ask have to go to court.

No advice just wanted to wish you luck and say your ex is being a knob and your dp sounds fab!

The school know that he is allowed to collect them. They have a copy of the residency order and my express permission. Luckily they called me and told me about the letter they had received from ex before it became a problem! They are happy that DP has my authority to collect the children now, thankfully they are very good.

To change the pick up and drop off days to when I can always do them would be near impossible. Term time is pretty easy but half terms and holidays are where we have the issues. The kids don't spend more than 2-3 night at a time with either parent so at least 2-3 pick ups and drop offs a week non term time. Because it's all in a Court order we'd have to pay to return to Court, ex would be difficult and it would change things for the children. I just thought having DP added to residency Order would make things easier without unsettling or changes the kids routine.

Ex still calls him the new boyfriend! We've been together longer than ex and I were and he's lived with the kids longer than ex did! He told Police my ex's new boyfriend has abducted the children and I have no idea where he's taken tem, I don't know him at all! All lies. Ex forgot to mention my DP had been looking after the kids that afternoon, took them to be collected and ex didn't turn up . DP even text ex and said to call him and he'd meet him somewhere or he coud call me and arrange to meet me after work an collect the kids.

No advice really I'm afraid. But is it possible to text ex or email him beforehand letting him know who would be doing the drop off. There's no reason for you to state why you can't but just explain: "DP will be doing the drop off/pick up today as I am unavailable." It may be handy to fall back on if ex plays the game of abduction again as you then have record that he has known well in advance that your partner would be taking the kids and not "abducting" them.

Is there a police record of him wasting police time? If there is, it may come in handy too if for any reason you do end up back in court.

That's a good idea Hobbin Rood. I'm in a bit of a hard situation as ex has recently reported me to police for harassment as after a recent incident where he swore at my DP in front of the kids and took them half hour early off him I emailed him and said it was unacceptable and asked him to agree to no communication at drop offs to stop the kids being upset. He took my email and told Police it upset him and he found it harassing. They've said no action will be taken as it was absuive in anyway just blunt and civil but still I don't want to give him anything that he can moan about.

Damned if I do damned if I don't I guess :(

If you do email, keep it clinical and to the point. Just state you aren't available so therefore DP will be doing the usual drop off/pick up and leave it at that.

That way there's nothing he can use as some sort of ammunition against you. If he texts/ emails wanting to know more about what you will be doing - ignore and don't respond. All he needs to know about are the arrangements with the children.

How old are you kids? If drop offs are a real problem and causing tension, then changing your holiday routine to have a longer at each house might be better. Probably better for the kids too unless they're very young? I find ours settle in better and relax more when we have them for a good few days at a time. I realise you'd have to return to court for this, unless you and your ex could agree. Would it be worth asking your ex if he'd like to switch to something longer in each home - making it clear you're not looking to alter the amount of time he has them, just to reduce the number of handovers? (Might be harder for his shift pattern though I guess).

Thanks purple. Ideally I'd love less drop off and collections but he won't agree to longer periods and his work doesn't allow for flexible hours so he'd never agree. I think a Court would be reluctant to order a change as it would significantly reduce his time with the kids and we currently have about equal.

It's not even the switch overs that are an issue it's just him. DP tries to hand the children over and collect at a distance as do I but ex insists on walking up to us and trying to have a chat. That would be lovely but it's all false, he doesn't want to be friendly or even amicable really behind the scenes he's planning more trouble and contracting Police whenever he feels he might have a chance to make us look bad or complain about something we've done.

I just don't see the point he's just out to cause trouble in front of the kids time and time again.

You aren't in a difficult situation re harassment as the police concluded there was no harassment. Just text him to say who will be picking up the kids beforehand.

This will all backfire on him if he ever has a relationship and wants his new partner to be involved.

You can't do anything about his behaviour so, hard as it is, just ignore it and as has been suggested make sure you set his expectations of what your contact with each other will be.

I'd agree with the advance warning text/email as well.

I'd also be tempted to keep a diary of when and how he's been disruptive, involved the police or school etc. Just so if it happens again you've got a pattern of behaviour as evidence.

Your ex sounds jealous of your new partner.

Yes e is jealous Buzz. Not jealous of DP because ex wants me he's jealous of DP because he lives here with the children and ex can't et over that. I should point out ex has the children about half the time so he's not an absent father being kept away from his children. DP absolutely respects his position as the children's father and tries to never step over the line. Shame ex is so bitter and twisted as it's making what could be a very nice workable situation totally awful for the kids.