"When will you and mummy get back together"

[FreeSpirit89]

Hi all.

I'm step mum to DSD who is 6, not the other woman, meet her dad two years after the split. I have a DS of my own not DP's.

Tonight I found DSD in her room playing and mumbling to herself, so I asked her what was wrong? She said she missed mummy. I offered to call her mummy for her so she could speak to her before bed.

She declined instead saying she wants everyother weekend contact (it's currently two weekends here, one at her mums) DSD has never mentioned it before, she says she enjoys spending time here.

Then a little while later when DSD was talking to DP I over heard her ask "when are you and mummy going to be together again" it broke my heart.

I feel sorry for her, and dp isn't sure what to say? It's the first time she's ever said it? Just after some advice/reassurance that this is normal and how best to move forward with out hurting DSD.

Thanks in advance

Aww bless her!

Has anything happened this weekend to make her feel upset, ime could be anything from a stubbed toe! Alternatively has anything happened at her mum's recently?

I would suggest dp speaks to his ex and mentions it to her so they can both come at it all from the same direction.

Just keep supporting her and lots of cuddles

How old was she when they split? If very young, she might have reached this point without being conscious of the fact that her family situation is not the norm. And now becoming aware for the first time (seeing/hearing about friends' situations etc) that most mums and dads live together, but hers don't.

I wonder because DSS was only a year old when his parents split, but it wasn't until around 5 yo that he started making comments about wishing mum and dad were still together. He's almost 9 now, and rarely says stuff like this any more. DP and his ex were both just very consistent with telling him clearly that they would never be together in that way again, but acknowledged that it was normal that he wished they were, and it was OK to feel that way. Same whenever he said he missed mummy when he was at dad's and vice versa, they'd say it was normal and OK to feel like that but unfortunately this was the reality. Lots of hugs, etc. One thing that also worked with DSS was pointing out that if it wasn't for them splitting, he wouldn't have his half-sister (who he adores), and he might live in a house where there were arguments, etc.

I don't think a child can even begin to understand the rationale and emotions behind their parents splitting TBH, but I do think that consistency and clearness combined with a bit of empathy is the best approach.

She was eighteen months when they split up, and she's 6 now. DP and ex don't have the best relationship and most conversations descend into war. Like this evening DP has had an hour long rant about "it's her mum putting these ideas in her head"

Which ok, I don't know her mother but even if it is her mother putting ideas in her head DSD now feels like she wants more time with mummy so it's out job to deal with it.

I try to help her, but I'm not her patent and there little I can do to help her,but I know DP and her mum are in capable of putting down the issues with each other for long enough to see what's important

Who is the RP?

Dp needs to explain to her that him and mummy won't ever get back together but that that is ok because it means that she has all these extra people to love and who love her (assuming she has met your family) and that makes it extra special because kids whose parents live together only have 2 parents but she has 2 parents and 1/2 step parents if Dm has a partner.

As for what you can do is facilitate her discussions with her dad and encourage him to have a civilised conversation with his ex. I would talk to her about why she is feeling sad, she may relate better to you being a woman and feel more comfortable opening up, reassure her that you all want what is best for her and if she keeps saying she wants more time with her mum then tell her that you will talk to daddy and ask him to talk to mummy about it and then tell her when you have done that so that she knows you do as you say

Good luck

Her mum is resident parent, and do has contact order.

Thank you

You sound like a brilliant step mother. Is there any chance you could be the mediator? Not sure if that's a good idea, or if you or DSD's parents would be up for it, but you sound very calm, rational and fair.

Thank you, I guess I find it easier to look at it because I'm not so involved.

I would be willing to but I wouldn't want her mum to feel like I was trying to muscle in, or get overly involved. I can just see how upset DSD is and wish there was a way to make it right for her.

You sound like an amazing step mum hun!! You obviously love this little girl so just be you and keep supporting her. This will just be a phase and she will be wanting something different again in a few weeks!!

I don't agree with you being a mediator though (sorry misfit) but mediation for dp and his ex is a good idea. Is there a mutual friend who could facilitate it?

My dsd went through a similar phase just before our dd was born, whilst being very excited to no longer be the baby of the family I think she struggled for a couple of months with having two families (she was 7.5 at time) and we just kept on about how lucky she was to have two families and that it meant she had two homes and two bedrooms and how boring would it be to just have one! Seemed to do the trick after a while!!

They are materialistic at that age, focus on things like 2 birthdays, 2 Christmases etc

Thank you wheresrgelifht.

I think we will try that? I was thinking a lil more alone time with daddy, and maybe I'll let her help redecorate her room, that may do the trick :) x

That will definitely help her and what a lovely idea!! Dsd is itching for us to do her and dd's room but the weather has been too awful to leave windows open!

I would talk to her about whether she wants one to one with her dad or if she fancies a girly day with you and some one on one girl time. I found when dsd was unbearable last year with bad behaviour etc she was feeling left out as mum was fussing over her dsd's and ds as he has issues and she was being sidelined (unintentionally as dm 's dsd has health issues and was in nd out of hospital). Dss went away for the weekend with cubs so dsd and I had a lovely day shopping and then had chick flicks and hair and make up night with cola, chocolates and dunking doughnuts from tesco! Helped a lot and made her feel special

Try not to take it personally. She's not actually saying she doesn't want you in her life. In her 6 year olds head you and your DP and her mum could probably all live in a big house happily together. I'd agree with the posters above - of you split up when children are small they grow up not really knowing any different. But at about your DSD's age they realise that most other children have their parents living together and go through a stage of getting their heads round why theirs don't.

She needs to be told clearly that they won't ever live together and that her family set up is ok. She may also need a simple reason of why they don't live together along the lines of mummy and day made each other very unhappy when they live together and argued lots so decided they'd be happier with separate homes.

I wouldn't rush to change a contact schedule that's otherwise working well because she says she wants more time with her mum. Talk to her about it and tell her the grown ups will think about what she wants but give it time to see if it's just a here and now thing. My ex and I have altered our rota many times over the years and sometimes in response to what the DCs want - but you need to balance everyone's needs and their longer term need to build up good relationships with both parents.

Agree with all the others. This really is normal, & may not have been encouraged by Mum. Please discourage your DP from thinking this, and get him to focus on his DD instead of trying to find someone to blame

My youngest DS recently started saying he wanted me and ex back together. He was 1 when we split. Now 8. My DP's DS did the same at about 6. You need to reassure your DSD as the others have outlined above.

Good luck.

I think they all go through it, my DC aged 6yrs says the same thing.

For me it is especially hard, when he says Step Mum "says that we can all be friends now and she will not tell lies anymore" - "can we Mum, it would make life easier for Dad"

She was a friend and she is the OW, very hard to explain that he can like the twisted, lying little bitch - ( do not worry did not say that!) but she and I would never be friends, because some lies are too big to forgive.

Breaks my heart that she manipulates his feelings this way though.