Favourtism -When is enough, enough?

[alwayssmile]

Ok, so, dp's family live 5 hrs away. We have not got the best relationship but it suffices. (Huge long story, would be here forever) I have tried everything possible to build a good relationship with them but I dont think they want it?! Exhausted from trying.

Dd is 5 and dss is 10. Dss's mother is awkward and manipulative but again (long story)

It is extemely blatant that dss is the favourite. Infact it is as though dd is a friends child for example & not their grandchild at all.

Bit of background for you. Whilst I was pregnant, dp told his mother that we were having a girl. She replied with, oh no thats not good, you will have your work cut out, I much prefer boys. Pissed me off needless to say. In order to see them and for dd to see her grandparents we go and stay at their house atleast 12 times a year (mostly weekends with a few trips for a week long or so during school holidays)

So lets start with the house. It has lots of pictures of dss, just one of dd which is out of the way. I have bought many framed pictures for them of dd for christmas and birthdays, even pictures of both dss and dd together, yet they haven't made the walls or even the mantle piece.

Dss has his own bedroom there and an abundance of toys, dd - not even so much as a pencil or a pink pillowcase. He has a push bike, a little motorbike, special cutlery, favourite food (in the case of breakfast, to dss: oh this is your favourite isn't it darling...dd: and what do you want then? Really!! You still dont know after countless visits grrr) loads of films recorded specifically for him...I mean would it hurt to record a disney princess film before we arrive or even think about downloading one they could both enjoy together??? Anyway, so they are fairly materialistic things (which by nature I am soooo not) however would be lying if I said it didn't stick in my side when I hear dd say "oh can we go and play in your bedroom please, or oh I love your new toy" she has never said anything to make dps parents feel uncomfortable about the whole setup which makes me all the more protective I guess and feel a bit pissed for the both of us (daft I know) then there is the trips abroad every year ( i wouldnt let dd go abroad at her age without me yet anyway to be fair but just saying) she isn't a "wanter" so doesn't even ask for anything when we visit. Dss like most children will ask for something in a shop (which would be cue for mil to ask dd, but she doesnt, so I do and I buy it, sweets for ex) extravagant gifts on birthdays and more importantly their time and affection.It is showered over dss but rarely given to dd. I am not saying that they are awful to her but I just know they haven't got it with dd and I don't know why, she is a dream (biased,I know, but true) I have got a good relationship with dss as does dp (he stays with us alternate weekends and comes for dinner every Monday and weds, so please dont think I am resentful towards him because I really am not. It is the adults in the equation that I have the problem with and how in years to come as the children get older it could affect their relationship too.

We go there because I want dd to have a relationship with her grandparents, but not sure how she would be treated if I was not there?! It's bad enough when I am. Dss goes there during every school holiday. In the past when I have mentioned something, their answer is...If you let her come and stay with us she would be treated the same as dss (I get that but even having a box of weetabix for our visit would go a long way, I am not unreasonable, and don't expect them to give us 800 for every time they take him abroad etc but I am just trying to build a picture here for you) There are so many solutions I have tried to overcome this, for ex suggesting when its our year to take dss on holiday that they come too (never happened). Why should I do something I feel uncomfortable with just so that they can have a "relationship" with her. I don't even get regular phone calls to see how she is in between our visits to them.

They never come to stay with us, ever. My door is always open and I tell them that frequently, especially when I get the " you should come down soon " comment during rare phone calls. They come to pick dss up for the holidays (always arranged with dp's ex) and drive right past our house TWICE in order to do so. Never even pop in for a coffee.

Sorry for the long post, but I have so much resentment in keeping a relationship alive by forcing my dd into their faces. When is enough, enough? Am I doing the right thing, should I cut all ties? I really dont know what to do for the best.

Ps. Dp has had a chat with his parents but everytime he tries they proceed by saying that they arent interested in what he has to say, and say he is favouring dd ( so untrue)

It seems to be quite common that gps assume the stepchild is never the favourite at home and that they need to make up for it. Which completely misses the point that in a normal family there are no favourites, meaning their "compensating" is the only thing creating an imbalance. There's also a basic difference in what dcs of different ages want and need in terms of attention etc.

If dd is being pushed out to a very noticeable degree then I would reduce the number of times you visit. If they have been spoken to and see dd as the favourite, they're not going to change. They may see dd as needing "putting in her place", whilst dss needs reminding how special he is.

They are wrong. Even if you were showing blatant favouritism, the way to counteract that is to be utterly fair and show how they are equal in your eyes.

Is it worth trying a different angle? Dp could talk to them about how the favouritism they are showing is/will damage dd and dss's relationship.

Ultimately you can't change them. Just make sure the dcs are utterly equal when with you. They are trying to compensate for dss going through his parent's separation and are doing it badly.

When you offer to buy dd a present in the shop after they've offered one to dss, you are confirming favouritism in their eyes. When they do this, why not say, "ooh, dss tell you what, I'll buy you that, and then could you help dd choose something?" So instead of you treating dd and them treating dss (which is what they will remember), you are treating both.

Sorry, not much advice, but plenty of sympathy.

Just stop visiting them and only see them when they come to yours. DSS can visit them with just his dad or, when he's older, on his own and be dropped off by his mum/dad?

They sound like at the worst mean old bags, or at the best unable to keep up with changes in your DH's situation. I'm not sure many grandparents manage to weather a divorce and remarriage. I think it's a generational thing -- they just simply stick with the first kids/ExW as that's what they understand.

At any rate, my DD has a distant relationship with her paternal GPs, but my DSKs have a closer one, which I'm fine by I think they're a little jealous of DD having got off the hook!

Thank you. Completely how I see it too. I have tried treating dc's equally in the past on our visits to them, but they have set the bar. I have now been told that its ok she will buy dss and leave me to buy for dd. I have been persistent in the past and bought for dcs (as dp and I always do ordinarily) but there is an air of awkwardness which always seems to pervail which leads to a very uncomfortable day, when your staying in someone else's house it is hard to get away from. If I don't buy dd sweets, she wont have sweets but dss will and when I buy for both dcs I can feel her eyes burning into my back. It is so awkward. But you're right, I have suggested that we visit less but dp isn't so keen on the idea due to the fact there are other family members he wants to see too :-(

Tricky for GP's, they probably witnessed the first relationship grow and blossom, were part of wedding plans, birth of the first grandchild etc so they will have a lot invested in the ex and your DSS.

They will still see her as their daughter in law, forgiven her for any responsibility for the break up and be keen to keep the relationship with her sweet so they can continue to see their grandchild no1 as they always have done.

If they are q little old fashioned they will assume that a family break up is hugely detrimental to DSS and that, however long he waited, it was always too soon to start another relationship.

Are you sure both of them have this attitude? You couldn't work on one? My DP's mum was much more accepting than her dad at first.

Difficult, I would keep insisting on buying for both. If they say "we'll buy for dss and you buy for dd" then refuse with a smile and say, "I'd rather treat them equally".

How mature is dss? Could he be involved in nudging things? Lots of "dss could you show dd where the best toys for her are?", "dss, choose some sweets for you and for dd, she loves it when you help her", "dss, give granny that lovely picture of you and dd together"

I can understand if you don't want the disparity brought to dss's attention though.

If you can't reduce contact then you're going to have to be very firm in what you will allow. Dh needs to be the one pushing this really. He needs to be the one insisting on equality in all things.

Thank you for all of your responses! I agree with all of you. If only it were that simple lol. Here we go, dps father is actually his step father. He has no contact with his bio father, and hasnt since the age of 2. This has in turn made dp the father is he today. He is always extremely fair with both dcs, as am I. Step dad, always favoured his bio son (dps half brother) and that is still evident today. But dp accepts it for what is. So in regards to gps being old fashioned I would say no. They both have the same attitude towards dd and I have been working on them for 7 years and I'm getting fed up, dragging a dead horse so to speak. I know If I didnt put in the effort I do, they wouldn't have a relationship with dd. Dss is beginning to see the favouritsim and quite enjoys it. ( not knocking him here) he is just a child. He is entitled to be loved and spoilt by his gps, why shouldn't he be. My dp and I are all about equality and have tried for years to encourage it when we visit, all we would like is some input from gps for dd too. You can't make someone feel what they don't, but they don't even bloody pretend. It's blatant and they take the mick if you ask me. How long do I have to keep trying? I am at the end of my tether. In the beginning excuses were made by myself and my partner due to circumstances, but after years, I think maybe now enough is enough?

Dp has not got the best relationship with his parents, so communication on more, shall we meaningful topics can be very difficult between them.

I think from all of your comments, reducing visits is the best idea. Dp completely understands my reasoning and agrees but would just find it difficult not to. (Perhaps im just lucky, my family put in equal amounts of effort to see us as we do them) we have to go there or we dont see dps family and he knows that! I have mentioned that perhaps he can go on his own to see them and if they want to see dd then they are more than welcome to come and stay here!

They sound like at the worst mean old bags, or at the best unable to keep up with changes in your DH's situation.

Yes.
And reduce the visits, and use the suggestion above of saying "thanks, we'd rather treat them equally" at every turn.

You have my sympathy. My DH's father and stepmum - DD's grandparents - just ignored her for the first three years. Presents, cards and cash (they did not live nearby) for the older DSC, and not for DD. Christmas cards to the house with no mention of DD.

DH eventually spoke up to his dad and called him on it. After that I think things would have improved (there was an immediate effort) but his dad passed away not long after and DH's stepmum has taken a big step away from the family since.

DH's dad's rather lame defence was that (as Buzz suggests above) he didn't know me and DD as well as he knew the older kids. But your in-laws can't even begin to make that one, as you do see them far more regularly than we saw my PIL. I think it was actually about something far more complicated with my PIL, and maybe with your in-laws, to do with not wanting to see DH move on because they felt invested in his first marriage.

Anyway. Good luck.

Agree with brdgrl about it being more complicated and hard to change.
Tricky - deffo not the lovely warm PiL experience when you marry a man previously divorced!

it really sounds horrible!

I would be almost shouting about equality at every opportunity.

I would bring something for both of them (cereals, films etc) and say loudly I brought both of you these things so you're both equal... and tell stories of families you 'know' where it's so sad how one child isn't treated fairly etc

if it came to it I would privately have a very sharp word with the grandparents telling them horrible they are being and even exaggerate how dd is feeling about it. I would tell them dd has said she doesn't want to visit anymore as she thinks they don't like her.

Brdgrl sorry to hear about your fil. Favouritism sucks. 100% agree with you, that there must be a deeper issue. If they were able to talk to me about it and explain I think that would be half of the battle, they just don't get it nor do they try to justify their actions when confronted previously. Thank you for the luck,reckon will be needing that ;-)

Alita7 thank you. We always take toys from home for both dcs and we did try bringing dvds but that backfired hugely! Dss wanted to watch all the recent action type films (which dps parents had downloaded not sure how that works but it was on their tv) and wasn't interested in any of the mutual type we had brought for both of them to enjoy (get that temptation is too much for dss and that they are different ages with different interest bless him) however instead of mil encouraging the shared interest (along with me) of the dvd she undermined me and said: oh well he doesn't want to watch it,so he can watch his down here and dd will have to go upstairs in the spare room and watch the dvd. She could have even at worst suggested that they both take turns in watching a film of their own choice but together. This is the type of person I am dealing with and it is beyond tricky to deal with. Sharp words go over her head unfortunately, I think I could have equality written on my forehead and she would glaze over and continue to do what she wants to. Fil is just as bad too many incidents like this to mention, I would be here forever. Great advice though so thank you I think I will tell some stories as you suggested to dcs, perhaps on the next road trip. Wish me luck for our next visit in 2 weeks time (thankfully just a weekend)

I think a final discussion on the matter is well overdue so here is to hoping that something good comes of it (not holding my breath) xx

I would have one final sharp conversation in which I would say if things don't change then you won't be visiting them as a family anymore and she will have to organise seeing dss with his mum and dad but that while unfortunately you cannot change how they feel about the children, they could work on how they treat them!
With the buying things for them I would say when entering a shop that they can each pick 1 thing. If she chooses to buy dss a second thing then it's really quite clear and I would say something. If she jumps in and says she's getting something for dss I would be as blatent as to say oh dd grannies buying you both a toy go and pick something!!!I

I would also be saying things like how lovely that you recorded something for dss, what did you record for dd?
And oh look at what a lovely photo that is of dss, where's those pics I gave you of dd?

I would be quite short and blatent about it but always emphasising that they are equal because you end up having to make dd appear favoured by you because you have to compensate. I'd come with different treats to hers to show they both get things.

But if it comes to it that final ultimatum must be given!

Lots of good, generous advice from Alita there.

How do you feel? To be honest if they live five hours away I'd say visiting them once a month is pretty often. Sometimes grandparents get too much power when a marriage breaks down. It's like instead of abdicating responsibility to the new parents when those parents split a chink opens up and they wedge their bossy foot in the door! I may be projecting somewhat after a few glasses of wine

All I'm trying to say is, if they're making you feel rotten and not really adding anything to DD's life, then you can just trim back your involvement with them. Think what you would have done if this was your DHs first marriage and DSS didn't exist. If they were arses to your DD and ignored her when you visited then you would cry and rail to your DH and / or refuse to go.

Don't put up with being treated craply.

sorry I haven't read everyone's post but I'm sure you've already had excellent advice.

It sounds awful and I'm unsure why you keep putting yourselves through this?

I would take a step back and reduce contact, if they can't be bothered to call in on their way past then why on earth do you visit them so often especially if it's 5 hours away??

Your poor Dd!!!!

Dss visits them every school holiday (for the entirety) and the odd weekend here and there - all of which are arranged via his mum and mil even on dps weekends!!! (Despite sharp words about that from dp, the amount of plans we have had to change last minute is crazy) our visits as a family are additional unless we have planned to visit at the same time of course.

You are spot on, with regards to making dd seem favoured by myself. As sm this is always in the back of mind and I think for this reason, I have at times been too careful in how I approach this subject and perhaps in some instances, not stern enough. I have always been diplomatic and equal to both dcs when discussing it. It would be so much easier if this was coming from dp though but he has tried many times previously and has given up with the attitude that it is very wrong but that they will never change. They are his family and he still wants to visit at times, more so other members of the family I think (even so,understandable) they are however not my parents and so I do not have this emotional tie with them and I cannot just let their behaviour go if we have to continue to visit. Like you said, either the way they treat them both changes or we don't visit any more. This is something I will be saying on our next visit (providing they haven't morphed into fair,loving gps over night)

Hoping dp will be willing to support this!

Thanks again.

Needadvice5, you have just asked me what I ask myself over and over again. My only answer is I have no idea. Initially, I thought it would get better with time and made some excuses here and there. Then it just got worse and worse, after countless chats, few heated discussions and stern words, here we are. Dp has remained insistent that we visit due to wanting to see other members of his family too, his grandparents, brother, aunts, uncles and cousins etc. He says that he will sort things with his parents while we are there, he tries but they don't listen as do I. His grandparents are too old to travel the distance, and don't get about very well. They don't have a big enough house to accommodate us and obviously we wouldn't expect they did even if they had the room. We visit on birthdays, christmas time, summer hols etc but you're so right we should have definitely reduced visits already. His parents live in a road next to his gps and have the room. We cant afford a hotel every time we go. There have been times when we have stayed with aunts and uncles fil made it very uncomfortable. "Our house not good enough for you what you staying there for? We have a nicer house!" (you can imagine my response, this was cue heated discussion number 1!!!!)

I know :-( its like a thorn in my side, fortunately she is very laid back and due to her age (just 5 last month) only just beginning to see what's going on over the last few visits. I know this could/will have a damaging affect on dcs relationship with each other too and it makes me so mad!!

It needs to be sorted. Enough is definitely enough

rosepetalsoup, your wine fuelled projection made me laugh. In this case very true, they do like to try to take control and assume parental responsibilities where dss is concerned, even with dp present.

Thanks again everyone for the advice.

How dare they treat the DCs differently? I think you are behaving very well over this. I think I would be far more petulant and refuse to go. You can't show blatant favouritism to children, it's just not fair. Good luck with the upcoming visit and hope you get some sort of resolution. xx

That sounds awful OP. We have three stepgrandkids and treat them exactly the same as our grandkids by birth. They call us Nanny and Grampy etc and we have them to stay. I sometimes dispair over the way some adults treat children.

*despair

My DM always preferred boys to girls, so it might just be that as much as him being the favoured Stepchild.

But over time will he really want to spend lots of time staying with GPs (especially if you and DP find nice interesting things to do with DD), won't he grow out of it? He is 10 now wouldn't he rather see his friends before long? Things might sort themselves out.