I have lost the will to live...

[Tappergirl]

..my husband has become the devil incarnate since his wonderful teens moved in. We have just had the mother of all arguments again, when I ask him why he has to cook elaborate meals for kids every night, whilst they are on half term, contributing nothing to the household dynamics. Every time I mention something he shouts me down, then accuses me of interrupting, when in fact it is him, and I have to shout to get myself heard, which then in turn becomes a mighty fight. I tell him to talk quieter so we can have an adult conversation without the children hearing. No he raises the roof then blames me for starting an argument. He appears deranged when angry. I have had enough of being treated like the bad cop and the underdog. I really cope any more after hoping that I could, and that we could get over this whole situation by talking like adults. He has just told me to sort myself out, biggest insult out there, when I have had to put up with petulant behaviour for 1.5 years, cos I can't cope with the kids being so self absorbed, when I have never had any. Sorry this is long, it is just a 10th of the story. I have no respect for him whatsoever anymore, he can go to hell.

Sounds difficult. When did they move in? Are they with you full time?

Feb 2013, yes FT, and they had no life skills. SD and I clash big time and father has become a different person from 10 years ago. I count for nothing now.

It sounds like a struggle between the kids and you for his attention?

Not sure how you can win that one

Brave, it's all about his attitude really. I just want him to be civil to me, but every conversation cuts like a knife. He doesn't even make a fuss of his kids, I have to ask what they have been doing, that he knows about, but he never bothers asking them. He just sees himself as Bank of Dad, and doesn't have a real attachment to them. We had such a different relationship, good one, before they moved in with us, now I just feel like an outsider, and have to bite my tongue every moment I am at home. It has ruined the very core of us, and driving me over the edge. He sees it all as my fault that I can't accept our situation, but the fact is he doesn't support me at all, just treats me like a naughty child. His ex wife did call him a controlling bully, now I am beginning to see that, although apparently she was just the same! Work has become a haven....

I am sorry, that sounds very tough

Well, at 11pm, after trying to have a meaningful, intelligent conversation with him, it doesn't seemed to have worked. Apparently, I am always angry, drink too much, read too many books and blogs about we can improve step parenting, and how its all crap. Yes I do perhaps drink too much, but I have researched step parenting, and spoken to 'real people' at work, for example, who say 'how the hell do you cope from being zero parent to step parent of late teens?" btw they have kids of their own. Husband seems to think it is all paparazzi and refuses to understand my stresses, instead concentrating on his own as he believes they are caused by me. Yes, we had counselling, but it was always my problem. So now I think I need to start a new chapter in my life, at 50, on my own. God, and and I thought this was for life, we have only been married 5.5 years :-(

What a pity he has chosen to make you the bad guy. He sounds very angry himself. I don't see why wanting to improve your parenting would be a bad thing!

Have you got somewhere you could stay at least for a short while? It does sound as if you need some space. Do you jointly own the house?

solicitor first to see where you stand.
Wish I was 50, older now, loved my 50s - old enough to appreciate the joys of life, fit enough to do stuff, less worried about my looks etc. And loved having loads of time for me instead of family (though aging parents filled that gap a bit).
Don't be too negative, it could be a great turning point in your life.

Oh dear, sounds almost like a mirror of my situation.

I suppose you have two options:

give up

maybe just work on the SC's yourself. I know my relationship changed very much when DP had to be away for a few days and the household was left in my hands.

maybe just work on the SC’s yourself – I know my relationship changed very much when DP had to be away for a few days and the household was left in my hands

I can identify with that. I always used to get on far better with DSS when DH wasn’t around. DH treated him like a toddler, I treated him like a young adult, and he responded far better to the latter. DSS was actually far more normal/robust than DH gave him credit for, and he didn’t crumble/run away screaming if you treated him like a normal family member instead of a royal visitor.

everything I do need some space, but no I don't have anywhere else to stay. We do jointly own the house, lived here for 7 years. I am currently looking at renting, but it is so expensive!

dozie, I don't or didn't wish for a great turning point in my life, I had that at 40. I was dreading turning 50 which I did last month. I want to be settled, not start all over again. I thought we were a forever couple, but the past year and a half has been constantly challenging and I have been very unhappy.

I am unable to work on the SCs, they don't like or respect me, they are 18.5 and 16.5, not youngsters, which makes me more angry about him treating them like kids.