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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Seriously fed up!!!

43 replies

misspope24 · 29/05/2014 11:09

I've been with my fiancé 18 months now and we have a 5 week old baby girl. My partner has a 4 year old from previous, and the mother is constantly playing games.
My partner has had his access mucked about since last September. She stops him seeing him every time she gets jealous or because she feels like it.
From sept-dec we didn't see him at all, and from dec onwards I've not been allowed to be near him, nor is he allowed in our home, which resulted in my partner having to pick him up and go from 9-5 every other week basically sitting in the car in mid winter (he got tonsillitis twice while doing this). I had been in the child's life for over a year at this point and seeing him was never an issue then...
She the scoured social media in jan and found out I was expecting in April, accused my partner of keeping secrets and lies from her and insisting it was something to do with her, yet it was my business and I'm not allowed anything to do with her child, why on earth should I tell her what's going in my life?! My partner didn't see the child for a month. She then went on social media again and found out we were getting married- cue the sarcastic digs of 'well your too busy celebrating so your not having him' etc etc
Couple days before my due date she wanted to drop child off at ours and pick him up (bear in mind quite often when my partner takes child home, she's not there so he has to go find her or wait outside. We also once suggested she bring him to ours to see where we were living as we moved in the 3 months not seeing him and she went mental at the idea of 'wasting petrol')
I said no to this as didn't trust her at all to collect him if I went into labour. So we didn't see him for 5 weeks as child wasn't allowed to meet the baby, she expected my parter to carry on going alone to get child and leave us at home. My partner wanted his children to meet.
First time he was due to meet his new sister, she had told my partner she was worried for child and my partner took this onboard- he took child to play football first (child lives far away so I had to wait in a cafe with a 3 week old for 2 hours as dad couldn't make the journey twice) then came to meet us having being prepped with photos etc.
Child adored new sister, we got him a gift from her, had brilliant day.
So this week we are due to see him again and surprise surprise, me and baby arnt allowed to be involved, no reason specified. When partner on the phone to her, she said 'he doesn't want them at football club, do you?? '[directed at child] he replied yes.
We were all planning on going to football club to watch him and he was excited, now she's not letting this happen. She tries to destroy the family unit idea at any given opportunity, coming between me and my partner and now my partner and his daughter.
What do you do?!

OP posts:
balia · 29/05/2014 15:49

As many people have said, your DP needs to stop crying about it and apply to court. It doesn't have to cost a fortune, he can represent himself. He should sort out mediation as a first step. Your focus should be on smoothing the way - enough with the he said/she said facebook blah blah blah.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic and I do know what you are going through, been there, can lend you the T-shirt.

And obviously, withholding the child's money is the wrong thing to do. I'm sure it is just a sign of your desperation in a situation that you feel you have no control over. But taking the higher path will work and one day when you have a secure relationship with the child you will be glad you did.

brdgrl · 29/05/2014 16:05

Exactly what balia says. I am sympathetic, she sounds dreadful and I can see exactly what you are saying about the situation. But as has been said several times, you need to treat the CM completely separately from all the other crap - that is for your DP's child and nothing to do with her, she is effectively supposed to be the conduit through which the benefit of that money reaches the child. If she is a shit mum or a careless one and doesn't manage the CM properly, there isn't much your DP can do about that. What he can do is take care of his responsibilities, make sure the CM is paid properly and in good faith, and fight like hell to see his kid.
I don't agree that you were in any way obliged to inform her of your pregnancy, but I do agree that you should do your very best to just ignore ignore ignore. From what you say, she is all about reaction.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.

brdgrl · 29/05/2014 16:07

Things like football club - it's not her club, is it? Would you not just go anyway and take his half-sister? Why let her stop these things from happening?
You don't have to inflame the situation, but you don't have to follow her rules when it comes to contact with you or his half-sister.

brdgrl · 29/05/2014 16:09

Sorry, I meant "new baby", not pregnancy, duh.

lunar1 · 29/05/2014 16:56

Your partner needs to continue paying cm and find the money for court. All this drama has to stop somewhere, let her say her bit to dp, ignore and move on.

Somebody has to start being a grown up here, for the poor child stuck in the middle. If your dp stops paying he will be eaten alive by the time this gets to court.

racmun · 29/05/2014 17:03

In a similar situation here. Ss not allowed to see his half brother and sister. All was fine until a year ago when she found out I was pregnant again and she assaulted me.

Dh doesn't see out children all week so only has weekends with them ss mother expects him to spend every Saturday with just ss on his own - won't agree to every other weekend.

We've not seen as for over a year now! Been back to court got an order which she just ignores. We're not wasting any more money

racmun · 29/05/2014 17:04

On playing her pathetic little games!!

She's happy because she gets more maintenance the fact she's pulled over night access for no justified reason.

It's a great system!!

Original poster
misspope24 · 29/05/2014 17:43

I've just spent time calling various soliciters and tbh I've never spoken to such rude people! They wouldn't even let me tell then what the issue was regarding without paying £120 for half hour. This was t one place this was 3... I then spoke to free legal advice soliciters who basically said
'You can't force the mother to let her child see ours, that's not something that you would be able to take to court'
Realistically, this is the problem though..?

When it was just me and my partner, I hated him going off every other Sunday to see his son after I had formed a relationship with him too, and knowing we were starting a family. But for their sake I put up with it. But I don't feel I should explain to my daughter in a few years that her daddy has to go off every other Sunday to see his child because we arnt allowed, why should she be told by a woman that has nothing to do with her she can't spend that day with her dad?! And why should my partners son not know his sister?!

I'm so angry

OP posts:
Original poster
misspope24 · 29/05/2014 17:47

rac what happens when she ignores the court order? How does she ignore it ?

Any ideas on how much it would be in total to go to court. I've read £3000, that's not pocket money is it, that's big money to us. I can't emphasise how skint we are

OP posts:
Original poster
misspope24 · 29/05/2014 17:53

No justice in the system whatsoever. We live in an age where unless you've got money, dads have no importance. Children without fathers is a growing problem in this country,yet there is not a lot you can do about it, even when the father is desperate to be a part of that child's life.
You all say 'court this, court that' but right now especially this is something financially impossible to is, so maybe in a year+ there's hope??
But if the government cracked down on handouts all the time I bet it would be a different case.

OP posts:
TheMumsRush · 29/05/2014 17:54

You can't take a mum to court to make ex make ss see dd, but you can take her to court for regular contact, and who sees ss in that contact time she can't dictate

Original poster
misspope24 · 29/05/2014 17:56

Ok that makes sense! rush

OP posts:
racmun · 29/05/2014 17:57

She just refuses contact and we end back at court.

Have spent approx £10k - waste of money I would rather give it to my children.

I agree why does another woman get to dictate ridiculous terms which affect your children. In my situation 1/2 his free time for 1/3 of his children it isn't fair.
Ultimately we're not going to let her split our family- ss could be involved in our family she doesn't want that so it's down to her. She is the one stopping her own son seeing his father it's very weird.

DH is very upset by this obviously but is slowly coming to terms with it.

racmun · 29/05/2014 18:04

Should say let the anger go it achieves nothing and some people like the buzz it gives them.

Ss is on his own, my two children have a close sibling in each other so it is ss who is missing out more.

Original poster
misspope24 · 29/05/2014 18:09

So as I said rac unless your willing to keep funding it, which you've done and can no longer do, there's no justice for dads??

OP posts:
Original poster
misspope24 · 29/05/2014 18:11

So as I said rac unless your willing to keep funding it, which you've done and can no longer do, there's no justice for dads??

OP posts:
racmun · 29/05/2014 18:13

No, no justice at all. We're not going to pursue it through the court any more.

We just pay the maintenance every month and let her get on with it.

balia · 29/05/2014 22:28

Get your DP to contact families need fathers. they are an excellent source of support. If he applies to court he would have to pay a fee (although I think this may be means-tested?) but I don't think it is more than a couple of £100. He can represent himself, he doesn't have to use a solicitor. He needs to think about child-centred solutions eg overnight contact at his home. Children having relationships with their wider paternal family (including half-siblings) is seen as important by the courts.

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