Seriously fed up!!!

[misspope24]

I've been with my fiancé 18 months now and we have a 5 week old baby girl. My partner has a 4 year old from previous, and the mother is constantly playing games.
My partner has had his access mucked about since last September. She stops him seeing him every time she gets jealous or because she feels like it.
From sept-dec we didn't see him at all, and from dec onwards I've not been allowed to be near him, nor is he allowed in our home, which resulted in my partner having to pick him up and go from 9-5 every other week basically sitting in the car in mid winter (he got tonsillitis twice while doing this). I had been in the child's life for over a year at this point and seeing him was never an issue then...
She the scoured social media in jan and found out I was expecting in April, accused my partner of keeping secrets and lies from her and insisting it was something to do with her, yet it was my business and I'm not allowed anything to do with her child, why on earth should I tell her what's going in my life?! My partner didn't see the child for a month. She then went on social media again and found out we were getting married- cue the sarcastic digs of 'well your too busy celebrating so your not having him' etc etc
Couple days before my due date she wanted to drop child off at ours and pick him up (bear in mind quite often when my partner takes child home, she's not there so he has to go find her or wait outside. We also once suggested she bring him to ours to see where we were living as we moved in the 3 months not seeing him and she went mental at the idea of 'wasting petrol')
I said no to this as didn't trust her at all to collect him if I went into labour. So we didn't see him for 5 weeks as child wasn't allowed to meet the baby, she expected my parter to carry on going alone to get child and leave us at home. My partner wanted his children to meet.
First time he was due to meet his new sister, she had told my partner she was worried for child and my partner took this onboard- he took child to play football first (child lives far away so I had to wait in a cafe with a 3 week old for 2 hours as dad couldn't make the journey twice) then came to meet us having being prepped with photos etc.
Child adored new sister, we got him a gift from her, had brilliant day.
So this week we are due to see him again and surprise surprise, me and baby arnt allowed to be involved, no reason specified. When partner on the phone to her, she said 'he doesn't want them at football club, do you?? '[directed at child] he replied yes.
We were all planning on going to football club to watch him and he was excited, now she's not letting this happen. She tries to destroy the family unit idea at any given opportunity, coming between me and my partner and now my partner and his daughter.
What do you do?!

Get a court or mediation agreement for access sorted out for one! You can start with a solicitor's letter reminding her what the agreement, formal or otherwise, is (presuming you have one).

Don't listen to her for another. She can't dictate what you do with the time you have with him, unless there's a genuine and real fear of damaging the child. But you'd probbaly have to have previous evidence of a similar situation.

Start a diary, go back as far as you can, keep a record of all the dates you were expecting to pick up and drop off, and notes of any occasions these were changed, how much notice and for what reasons. Family court loves this stuff.

Be aware that if you push things, she may well poison the child against you so be prepared to back off until you have something enforceable in place.

But the simpler suggestion is DP asks her why she is being like this? Access is for the child/parent relationship to continue and so he has a father in his life. What issue does she have with that?

I think the issue is she's jealous. She sees me and our newborn as no importance to my partner and as no part of him, so when he wants to involve us and do family things she finds obstacles- it's an issue to her. She would take him back in a flash. Because he won't go there she slaps him with no access I guess.
She said she was worried about how the child would feel with a new baby and wanted him to spend fine with his dad first. I'm suspicious of everything she says (female instinct?!) but my partner believed she was genuine in saying it so spent some alone time with him. Well it proved how worried she was when my partner collected child from his Nans having stayed there the night while she was out on the piss, and didn't attempt to call or text once throughout our visit to see how he got on. And now her most resent excuse just proves it was a ploy to keep us divided, my partner and his child, me and our child.

She is trying to poison him, he used to say 'daddy don't come and get me if you have the baby', he's not allowed to call her his sister either.
I think the fact he loved her and prob went home talking about her and stuff, like any 4 year old would, has wound her up. She wanted him to be jealous and upset to cause a rift between our family unit, so my partner had to choose between his children.

OK, best advice I had on here was this.

There is nothing you can do about her behaviour.

I stick with my formalise your access arrangements, I guess they were put in place before the two of you met when perhaps she thought they could get back together for the kids sake?

Try and be as flexible as you can meantime, don't let on anything bothers you. She's looking for a reaction.

Well ATM we are again in the process of moving, money is so tight so (with little hope) we are trying to do this together rather than having to pay. But no doubt it'll be the same when money is available so that will happen.
My partner religiously pays his maintenance, never shouts screams or swears at her (don't know how id I've told her exactly what she is by now) so I think he's going to withhold the money until she's more compliant. He will put it into an account that goes to his child in the future. If she isn't such an arse she will get it. Not the right way, but in our situation seems the only way.
His next step is to tell her unless we can all go football, she has to take him. I've told him to emphasise on the word family as she sees me and our child as such non importance.
Funnily enough when my partner was single, the child was forced upon him while she went out on multiple dates and meeting multiple men, it's inly when he settled down it became an issue. Funnily enough she ended the relationship.

I'm not sure withholding maintenance is a good idea. She might be a prize idiot, but maintenance and access are separate beasts, and by withholding maintenance, you are likely just to anger her further which will exacerbate the situation. Your dp needs to make it very clear to her that she has no say over what happens during his contact time.

With holding the child mainenance is most certainly not the right way.

The sympathy I had vanished when I read that, you all sound as bad as each other.

I don't get why you being pregnant had to be kept from her though? maybe I have misunderstood?

Yeah, I'll tell him to reinforce it again and again.
But if he doesn't play ball, she just won't be there when we go to get him. She's on all the benefits so her cm is really important, she can live without it ie roof over her head, but it stops her socialising and nights out, it literally seems the only way to get through to her, she thinks my partner is a wet blanket. She wants to control him, the situation, the relationships... He needs to get her worrying basically and money seems the only way how

It wasn't a secret from her, just wasn't her business. I found out in the august, and on the 1st September til almost Xmas we didn't see the little boy! Why does someone who is so awful to firstly her child, my partner need to know anything that happens within our 4 walls??

I don't want sympathy thanks, just advice because I have a highly desperate father wanting to be in his child's life and some bitter woman stopping it

Plus her knowing I was pregnant, and her actions being based on the jealousy she has between our relationship wasn't exactly going to make anything better.
When she found out and my partner explained that her money was going down, her words were 'it's not my fault she went and got pregnant'
No acknowledgement that it was my partner who made me pregnant, it was my fault as, as I keep saying, me and our child are bit recognised by her, we are an afterthought, and when my partner wants us involved, it's an issue.
Why would anyone go out of their way to tell her based on that?!

Advice; Grow up the lot of you.

If you have a child and that childs father is going to have another child, in the best interests of the child it is your business. She doesn't need to know the ins and outs, but a simple 'just letting you know, we have a baby expected during april' would do.

So she spends all of the child maintenance money on her social life does she? Never heard that one before.

miss you will stop reviving any sympathy know you have revealed that you will start withholding the CM and your about to get a massive flaming on here.

That money is for the child. It doesn't matter if mum is going on the piss, you don't know what money she is using. Your playing right in to her hands by 'teaching her a lesson'

Keep payng and go to family court, then go get a hard hat as if more posters see this your going to get hammered.

I feel sorry for him.

If he is that desperate why hasn't he already been to see a solicitor?

So what would you all do when

1. You have no money to do things like family court??
2. Your partner is in tears of desperation of not knowing what to do next?
3. The little boy rings up crying saying he wants to see his dad and sister, and mum is in the background saying 'no you don't'?

The money wouldn't be spent at all, it would be put aside for either his future, or straight back in her pocket when she grows up.
She has her rent and council tax paid, discount electric. She gets various benefits, which I'm not disclaiming at all!!! And yet we pick him up from his Nans each time as she's hungover- we both work, get no financial help, and yet we couldn't afford a night out! Not that we would go anyway.

So, as I said we arnt in a position to pay court costs etc, how would you deal with this? Where is the justice for the dad who pays £250 a month, deals with her being vile, an upset son and almost no access??

Oh so familiar.

You're right she doesn't have a right to know what's going on in your life, unfortunately you do need to share things with her that might affect the child so she's prepared to deal with it. And that would definitely include breaking the news that his dad is having another child.

That assumes she has the child's interest at heart of course and not her own.

And that's just the joy of being a step parent.

All you can do is try and take the heat out of any exchange between DP and ex so it's just about the child. We had to go to text only to avoid DP's ex calling up about anything, and then only respond to the texts or part of texts referring to childcare. At one point we even had to drop to email to calm the noise.

Some solicitors will do an initial half hour appointment at a reduced rate, and maybe one letter from them setting out a reasonable contact schedule would be enough to let her know that your partner is serious about seeing his child.
Do not stop paying maintenance. It doesn't work saying you're going to keep it safe for the child or whatever, it's not up to you or your partner to take that into your own hands....he has an obligation to support his first child regardless of how stroppy their mother is.

Stop playing silly buggers.

Don't do things that will antagonise the situation [ie witholding money]

Let go of your attitude that she is some evil wrongdoer. It takes two to tango, what exactly was your partner doing all those months of not seeing his son?

I agree totally that it is not her place to dictate whether or not you and your baby are there during visits, or that the little boy shouldn't come to your home, that is ridiculous.

You said she thinks your partner is weak, TBH it seems like he is being ruled by both her and you, he needs to get a grip, be an adult and get proactive about this sorry situation.

She is not the problem, your partners ineffectuality is.

buzz when she found out, I already told you what she said. It wasn't about the child at all, it was all based around her fear of her cm money dropping and why should it and all this... As soon as she found out she started making my partner choose between his pregnant gf and his son, and now his son and daughter. We found out she was spying on us via my mums facebook, so when I had my daughter, she already knew and had told the child she was born on Thursday (she was born on a Friday) and her name was Dolly (her name was not dolly!) and almost got annoyed at my partner because 'I've prepared him for a sister called dolly, not a sister called ' so she's now had to block her ofc. She spies on my fb to use against my partner, when she saw I was pregnant it was as if I was a woman he was having an affair with and found out!! It was weird.

It wasn't about the child at all, it was all based around her fear of her cm money dropping and why should it and all this

You know what the C in CM stands for don''t you?

Where do you live? You can still get legal aid for family court in Scotland.

Otherwise, go see a solicitor before making your mind up you can't afford it. First consultation is usually free.

You'll find the money if you need to.

Don't demonise the ex for two reasons. Firstly it makes you sound a bit vindictive, it's easy to convey the wrong sentiment in a text only post, secondly you may need her one day, perhaps when you give birth if there are problems and you have an extended stay in hospital for example.

You could feel entirely self sufficient, but there may be one day when DSS' school calls one day and the only adult who they can get in touch with his his mum.

All of that means nothing.

Take a back seat and all of you grow up.

as I said, you can't do anything about her behaviour.

Just don't react.

When she told DP she'd told his son about the baby, he could just have said 'Thanks' and left.

Agree it's much easier to say than do. You just need to be consistently neutral towards her and give it time.

He didn't say anything, he calls him 3x a week, and she wouldn't come off the phone until she had said her bit, but obviously he wanted to tell his son about the baby and tell him correctly. That's another thing, how do you get around that?? When he calls to speak to him, she gets on the phone first and he can't speak to his son unt she's done her bit

Let her say her bit, ignore ignore ignore, and when he has spoken to his son, hang up the phone. If she sees she isn't getting a reaction, she will eventually get bored. I think it is easy to question how money is being spent, but honestly, therein lies madness.

I agree with pps who have suggested free half hr with a solicitor. If she cannot be spoken to sensibky then perhaps that is your best option.

All your dp can do is to keep trying to see his son, ring when he says he will, be there when he says he will be, pay the cm. Don't get dragged down into game playing for goodness sake.

Just don't respond to her on the phone.