DP feels like second-class citizen/disrespectful DD

[possiblyprecious]

My partner is step-dad to my DD age six. She is with us 65% of nights and with ex P (female, previous same-sex relationship) the other time.

DP has lived with us for 16 months and we have a five-month old daughter. DP has older kids who live with their mum/moved out/grown up.

The problem is that my DP feels DD is disrespectful to me and him,and that she hates him. He corrects her often but doesn't feel it makes a difference. I notice her behaviour to some extent, but I don't seem to notice it as much as him. When I notice it I do correct it.

I really want us to parent together well. This is best for DD as well as DP's ability to enjoy being in his own home.

Would really appreciate advice.

Do you think your DD does actually hate your DP? How soon did he move in after you split from your ex?

Does she resent the baby do you think, and takes it out on your DP as she knows she'll get in trouble for venting at the baby?

Your DD could be really struggling with the changes she's had to endure and the upheaval of being away from you while the baby and DP get to stay there (even though I'm sure she enjoys being with ex too).

You may just need to really reassure her and make sure she feels that she can tell you about any feelings she has, good or bad, without getting into trouble.

WRT to your DP, we all have different ways of parenting and there are bound to be some elements of discipline that your DP has already dealt with in his grown up DCs that you are still finding your way with your own DD, so you will probably evolve ways to deal with situations together as your DD grows up.

My DP and I have fairly similar boundaries and outlooks on childcare in general but I know that if we'd parented from the start that I would have done lots of things very differently from the way he and his ex did and vice versa.

Even now, there are times when he thinks my DCs are a bit rude to him or to me, there are times when I think the way he deals with his own DDs is ineffective and too soft, but as we only have to do this together once a week and during holidays I have learned to let it be rather than get wound up about it.

If we lived together full time we would have to sit down and work out what our house rules are, what the consequences for are for not adhering to them etc. If your DP is having to be a father figure when your DD is in your home then he needs to have some say in how she behaves, so I think you need to sit down together with your DD and chat about the sort of home you all want this to be. Get her involved, kids are happy to be part of the decision making process and enjoy coming up with rules and rewards.

It is hard having to parent someone else's children, especially when they come with an attitude! There isn't that unconditional love that you have for your own DCs to carry you through the tricky stuff, so give your DP some credit for doing a hard job and try to find a way to make it more harmonious for you all. It's in your best interests not to brush this under the carpet - if you read the threads on this board there are so many people who say that if they had their time again they wouldn't get into a relationship with someone who already had children, it causes so many problems. Try to nip your problems in the bud, as they won't go away on their own, they'll just fester and cause resentment from either DD, DP or both!

Did she ever like him?

Examples are whining about being asked to do simple chores, whining about not liking her dinner, disrespectful tone of voice, saying to me that she is sad DP is home (in his hearing), interrupting conversations, arguing back, asking me something even if he's already given her an answer, etc

I feel caught between them. I feel that DP is right about this, but I seem to be so much more laid back.

I definitely have issues about feeling guilty that DD has to spend her life between two houses, and I wonder if I overcompensate. I have just been reading one of the other recent threads on here, and was surprised to see myself in some of the "Disney parent" descriptions.

I had a similar experience at first. Some of the problem can be because your DP has older children, it's easy to set the same expectations of your younger DSC's as you have for your own older children without remembering what your own were like at that age.

But from what you're saying she is playing up.

Have you ever sat down and explained the house rules to her? I eventually got DP to explain to the DSC that when they were in our house I did have the right to ask them to do/not to do things. That seemed to work.

But I was never given (or wanted) the responsibility of deciding or carrying out punishments. If i had an issue I told DP, she did or did not act depending on her view of the situation.

Thanks for the replies, I'm going to read and ponder today.

I don't think DD really hates DP -at times she treats him like a parent figure - telling him her achievements, making him presents, including him in drawings of her family at school (I never prompt any of this).

I think she feels jealous of not having me "all to herself" like she did for over two years before he moved in. We also believe she hears negative stuff about him at exP house, and I wouldn't be surprised if ex P is intentionally encouraging DD to be negative towards DP.

I have thought about clear house rules eg discussed and put up on the wall, and equally clear consequences - might have to follow up on that.

DP and I do try and be on the same page but are struggling because of different parenting styles and communication styles.

I think your DD probably feels very insecure. In her very young life, she has had a family with two parents of the same sex, time on her own with you and then very quickly another family, and you are pregnant very quickly after moving in together. She has had to deal with all of this as well as a new sibling. No wonder you are having problems.

Your partner should step back from disciplining and it should be left to you, allow your DD time to adjust to all of these new scenarios, she is only 6, how much change do you think such a little person can deal with.

OH you need to step up here and support your DP as well as your child.

If your kid is being disrespectful then that should be stopped - while the kid needs support getting used to the situation and needs love, you also need to be a strong parent and make it very clear that disrespectful behaviour to your DP will not be tolerated, and that it is his home as well. The more you let it happen, the more the child will play up and try to play your DP off against you (which is already happening). You are allowing the child to act according to jealousy, rather than setting out the kind of positive behaviour you might like to happen, and your DP is getting all the fallout, which must make him feel really unsupported by you.

I don't agree with pinkbraces about discipline, an adult has a right to assert themselves in their own home whether it is their biological child or not, but it is important to agree some house rules that you will both back each other up on - in front of the child. If you intend your relationship to be a strong and lasting one, then you need to work together.

Hi OP,
I really agree with your sense of your DD being given negative messages about your DP at her other parent's home. In my experience this is where most of the attitude comes from. Very rarely will a child of that age do anything other than simply reflect what's around them. Does your ExW/Partner have a new relationship? Has she moved on?

Your DD sounds a lot like my six year old DD a normal 6 year old pushing boundaries, doesn't want to eat what I give her, doesn't want to do chores. It is perfectly normal and may have nothing to do with your DP or the fact she has two homes.

Thanks for all the perspectives! I do notice that DD's behaviour improves after I'm "tough"with her. I made a big effort last night to address "bad"behaviour, and I could see how much lighter the atmosphere was between DD and DP. DD and I made a simple Family Rules chart and chore sheet. I think DP felt so "good"to see some firmer boundaries happening in the house.

I think I might try and be more proactive in talking with DD about problems with the split family situation (at an age-appropriate level). Along the lines of sometimes she might hear things said about me or DP or our house that are not nice and might make her feel sad, and it's OK to talk to me about it? What do others think?

Rose petal, ex doesn't have a new relationship as far as I know. I think she's in the process of moving on but I do feel that is part of the problem. Now that a court order is in place, I have stopped communicating as much as possible with ex unless about essential things. I just feel icky and deeply unhappy around her. But I suspect that she is feeling scared by this, and angry, and unfortunately I think this is impacting DD at present. What to do...... Just hang in there I guess.

I think that once ex moves on you will see a marked difference. It happened in our situation. If she finds happiness your daughter will feel less guilty / burdened and cheerful stories will start filtering between the two households.

Good luck / hang in there