help quick advice...

[Fooso]

My DS has just started wanting his friends to come round (he is 14). The problem is there is always about 6 of them. Fine when we're there and they can sit in the garden. so half term - We're at work all day and so I said no more than 2 in the house. My DP came home and found 5 of them at the table. He text me and said saying he would rather be there when they come round and basically no to his friends coming over when we're not there. My issue is his 16 year old DD is allowed friends over when we're not there... Now I accept there is a big difference with a sensible 16 year old girl (and she is) and my DS's 14 year old friends.. AIBU or is he? Should the same rules apply... I could be heading home for a row over this so your thoughts!

The problem for me with this is the apparent double standards between his daughter and your son. Does your DP apply different rules for the children over other things?

Well how many friends was dsd allowed round at 14?

Is she much more sensible than your ds?

Tbf to your dp, your ds completely ignored your rule at the first opportunity didn't he?

no not really, they are all treated pretty fairly. They all have to tidy rooms etc. I've said to him that I've told my DS off for bring 4 back but that he can have 2 back with permission as my DSD can. So we are being fair. He hasn't replied. I might change it to 1 for my DS as I know they are not as sensible at my DSD!

All things being equal the rules should apply to all children in an even way, that is transparent to both children. In other words you are seen to be fair to both of them.

I have this problem all of the time in my house. My DP will not discipline his DD in any way shape or form. If I allowed it (which I don't) my DS would be subject to rules that would never apply to his DD in a month of Sundays.

However if you say that your DS is not as responsible as your DSD then your DP may have a point. However you and your DP should discuss things as a couple and not have one of you (your DP in this case) making rules without any discussion with you first. It is your home too.

Well if your dp is usually fair with all the dc, I would say he is annoyed that your ds has been given his first chance to be trusted and blown it.

Tbh, I think he's right.

This should have been discussed when the rule was set. All three if you agreed that two was the maximum and your son broke that rule. He deserves a punishment which could be no friends at all for the remainder of the holiday. If you felt it unfair you should have told DH when the rule was set.

But, going forward, I think he should have the same rule as dsd had at 14

Why don't you trust them if there's more than 3 of them in total in the house?

What has happened in the past that you've put down to numbers and not the individuals involved?

Being realistic, you're not at home, he can have as many of his friends round as he wants. And if these are good friends that you have known for a while I can't see the harm in it.

When I was a kid my mum made all our friends welcome, they loved coming to ours, and I tried to do the same with my kids and their friends treated our place as a second home and with care and respect.

If you're worried he'll be playing open house to all and sundry and leaving the place in a state, have that conversation with him.

Admittedly 14 yr old boys can be daft, and careless, but not necessarily. I'd trust my 12 yr old DSS not to leave the place a pigsty over my 14 yr old DSD any day. And her 16 yr old sister has already proved age and consideration are not natural bed fellows.

Buzz, this is a very recent development for him, I don't know them at all and we need to build up trust. I was there at the weekend when they came round and I don't have a problem with the number - when Im there.. But sorry, when I'm not there 5 or 6 14 year old boys in our home is not happening....

to update, last night my DS apologised to my DP and to me for letting us down and has promised that he won't do it again - think he got pushed into coming in by his friends (our house is very conveniently placed near the park where they hang out). We've agreed that when we're not there, he is allowed a friend in the house (as is my DSD). Im proud of him that he has acted maturely by doing this (and the washing up without being asked!), and I think he's earned some brownie points out of it :)

My ds is soon to be 16 and I've always welcomed his friends into our house.
BUT there have always been conditions and by and large these were always adhered to.
Although they can obviously be trusted when just popping in or hanging out for a few hours, 4 to 5 would be a limit, and def only 1 or 2 overnight. Mostly because of space, small house and huge kids!
Have recently stopped them playing football in the garden, as the ball was shot over the street and into a neighbours garden...
Ds has agreed they are getting too big for this now!
Re food, as soon as it became noticeable that some kids would hang around pretty regularly after school, it was put to ds to sort out takeaways etc before coming home and they'd all stay to clear up after themselves. They soon bought food to cook and cleaned up later!!!! Brilliant boys.
The same rules would apply to all the kids, though, but dss has no friends, apparently (maybe this will change when he starts new school in September) and we think dsd (17) perhaps doesn't think us cool enough to bring the odd friend over... We don't see her regularly anymore.
I know dh feels a bit put upon when ds and his friends are here, BUT my ds will spend a great deal of time at his friends houses too, and some of them also spend time with dss. Whereas when dss (13) is here (50:50) he hardly strays from dh side...