Anyone found it harder being step mum since having own DC?

[Mirrhi]

I feel ashamed to say this, but since the birth of my DS I've found my feelings towards DSSs much more, I don't know, tricky? I've always had a great relationship with them, especially the eldest and loved the fact that they live with me and DP, but now I find it so stressful having them here and find I'm craving the times they're with their DM and I can focus on DS. I feel like such a bitch admitting that

They've been away with their DM for a week and were due back tomorrow, but DP has called to say he may be picking them up tonight instead. I feel like the past week I've been able to step back and breathe and had one more night of calm, but now I can feel my stress levels rising akready.

Please, someone tell me they've felt something like this too, and that it will pass as I get more used to looking after the 3 of them and balancing their needs. They deserve better than a stressed stroppy step mum

Don't feel bad mirrhi. I've been there. Having your first newborn as well as trying to look after other DC's is very difficult and stressful. I found just having DS all consuming, to the point where I couldn't find the energy to focus on the others.
How old are they all?
I found giving everyone jobs helped. For example dsd2 often helped me to bath DS, which she loved and gave us an opportunity to do something together.
I also tried to put some time aside for the DSC's, even just 10 mins each chatting or playing a game together.
It will pass!

Thank you for the replies

Livvy, I get the 'intruding on our family time' feeling and I hate it. We're all a family so I feel cross with myself for feeling that. I hope it passes for me soon

Bag, DS is almost 5 months, DSSs are 8 and 10yrs. Need I think part of the problem is that I have been their 'mother' for the past 2 1/2 years, but now it feels really different. It helps to hear I'm not the only one to find this difficult.

It may be nothing to do with them being stepchildren. It can be difficult looking after a baby when there are other DCs about. It gets easier as they all grow older. I wouldn't go down the route of treating them differently.

All this talk about biology, as someone who comes from a family made out of adopted people, is really upsetting, insulting - and, importantly, not true. Biology be damned, a family is what you make it. My protective instincts are as strong (and in some cases stronger) to my siblings (and their kids) that I have no direct biological link to as those siblings where I do.

Mirrhi, I wonder if what you are experiencing is not so much a "own" child -v- "stepchild thing, but a newborn -v- much older children thing. A newborn needs you in a way that older children just don't. It is natural to want to focus on your baby in a way you wouldn't (and they wouldn't want you to) focus on older children. As your baby son gets older, that intense bond will change - certainly not to something less, but to something different, I'd suggest. When your baby gets older, it's like looking up and realising that the rest of the world is still out there.

Anyway, I applaud you for wanting to get to the heart of your feelings. The suggestion about involving the DSCs in the care of their little brother that someone made upthread was a very sensible one, I thought.

DSC's live with us and in many ways I see them as my own children but I agree with needaholiday. It's incredibly different to adopting. I'm very conscious of the fact that I'm not their mother and I never will be. Also when you adopt or foster you get some support and help with these feelings whereas with step parenting you just have to get on with it.

Titus Firstly, the OP has a 5 month old baby, the hormonal journey she has been on in the past year is biological. There is a hormonal/biological aspect to the love mothers feel for their biological babies. This is a fact. You can obect to it on the bizarre and entirely irrelavant grounds that parents also love their adoptive children, but it will still be a fact.

Secondly, what the OP is discovering is the difference between motherhood and stepmotherhood - again, adoption is of no relevance. If you are upset about something why don't start your own thread?

OP, I have been almost exactly where you are. It does get easier as you get used to it all. And the biology IS a powerful aspect.

Someone gave me a great bit of advice which was to accept I wouldn't feel the same about the SDC as the DC and to not feel bad about that, but to always act as though I did feel the same about all of them.

I have been a step mum twice. My DS's father had his own child when I was pregnant with our/my first child, I didn't mind it then. Even when Ds was born I didn't mind him being there.

My new DF has a DD whos 6, older than my DS 4. And oh my god that is hard. I love my DF but his daughter is hard work, and I have had to (like other have said) realise I am unlikely to love her like shes my own, and that's okay. Because she has a mum.

biology makes us put our own children first

This is what I was reacting to.

needaholidaynow it isn't up to you to tell me what I should and shouldn't be upset by, particularly if you haven't been in my position.

Fideline if you had actually read my post, you would have seen me write about the intense bond you have with a newborn. I am already aware of that.

I know we weren't talking about adopted children. It was just the "biology trumps all" tone of some of the posts.

Interesting discussions, and thank you everyone for their views. I guess I need to try to accept that it's ok to feel different about things. I hope my feelings settle down.

Hi Mirrhi,
I got exactly the feelings you describe, and they took a while to subside, but they are gone now. I think the turning point was when I realised my little DC loved her step-sibling and had great fun with her (probably around 1, when they could start playing). I had to accept the bond between them and then everything settled down, I started looking forward to DSC coming again!
I never let on of course. Always remind of how much worse it could be, if DSC hated you and new baby and wanted nothing to do with you and kicked up a huge fuss -- because it does happen. If they are being cheerful then welcome them in.
Good luck!
P.s. Sometimes I even got annoyed when DSC would share my nicknames for the baby and so on!