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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

being a step mum

12 replies

suzieed · 21/05/2014 21:12

How do u cope with taking your partners child on, whomu do everything for and it seems like she hates you and it breaks your heart???

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

suzieed · 21/05/2014 21:13

How do u cope???

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 21/05/2014 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alita7 · 21/05/2014 21:20

I'm sorry you feel this way op :( I am very lucky that my 3 dsds are lovely to me! maybe in time your dsd and you will develop a closer relationship.

Kaluki · 21/05/2014 22:05

Stop doing everything for her and leave it to her dad!
I have found that whenever I go that extra mile to do something really nice for my dsc I end up feeling resentful because they don't appreciate it, they think it's their right to have the world revolving round the so I just end up doing the bare minimum and doing more with my own dc who do appreciate me and know how to behave!

brdgrl · 21/05/2014 22:41

suzie, how old is she? Why do you feel like she hates you?

Tappergirl · 22/05/2014 05:22

Kaluki, you are absolutely right! Lots of kids are self absorbed in their own little world and appreciate nothing you do for them. I have a SD who is 18 living with us FT and I can really say with all my heart that I can not stand her, she is so up her own backside. Can't wait to get my sanity back when she goes off to Uni (please god give her the right A level grades!)

Tappergirl · 22/05/2014 05:24

I don't want to call her DSD btw!

rosepetalsoup · 22/05/2014 07:18

Agree with the others, sadly. Back off - it's a hard lesson to learn but being super-thoughtful often gets you burned/isn't valued. Let their dad pinch your good ideas for himself.

Happybeard · 22/05/2014 10:13

If anyone else in your life took took took and didn't respect you and made you feel shit, you'd stop giving. Because it's your step child there's an amount of care that you're morally obliged to give but stop giving anything else and protect yourself. If she doesn't like it then explain this is how relationships work. Give and take/ self respect etc.

It's very hard

shey02 · 23/05/2014 10:23

OP it's sad and unfair and heartbreaking and has caused my DP and I many a problem. We do everything right for this particular child and she still gives us hell. Nothing has changed in two years. DP is largely to blame though as he will not set expectations of behaviour for the kids, boundaries, consequences. As a result my DP's eldest's behaviour is never challenged. The give and take of normal relationships does not exist. However, as outlined in many step-parenting books, if only my DP acknowledged the challenges and appreciated my efforts, I would find it easier to keep giving/trying even though I'd get rejected all the time, because I would get my gratification and appreciation from my DP. However, I try to explain this to him, he cannot grasp it and it ends up with a 'my kids are fantastic! You're saying they're rude!?!' And it ends up with me in tears, I have given up trying to form relationships, now I just take the hours I have with them and try to enjoy. A nasty, hostile ex does not make for happy step-kids.

The new word is; detach, detach, detach...... Because I fear this situation with 1 child (who feels her happiness/control is worth more than every other child in the family, more than her own father's happiness and certainly worth more than dp's and my relationship) is costing me my sanity and my relationship. And I can't let that happen anymore. Wish it was different. Hugs to you OP.

BuzzLightbulb · 23/05/2014 13:12

I'm in the step away camp as well. Just been bitten on the bum for caring too much about SD1 and it wrecked a weekend and almost my relationship with DP for good.

Partly my fault for stepping into DPs shoes cos she was too shocked to do or say anything at the time, but having both barrels unloaded at me reminded me how little SD gives back in respect and consideration.

Civil and polite, and a slight interest in her life is what she gets from now on.

shey02 · 25/05/2014 08:19

I totally sympathise. Isn't it awful and when I tell my dp that I can rise above it and meet these challenges more easily if I feel he and I are side by side and close, he does not understand what I am saying to him. All he hears is criticism....... my dc are fantastic, they are great......! Is usually what follows. Sometimes feel so alone in my relationship, my dp does not have these challenges because my dc love him, so I guess he will never experience it, never understand, never empathise with me. :(

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