At what point do I accept that being a stepmother (or even mother) might not be for me?

[fuzzytrees]

Never in a million years did I anticipate all of the emotions and difficulties that can come with having a relationship with a man who has kids.

DP has 3 kids (all pre-school / primary-school age) and looks after them fulltime. We only see each other at weekends, so each month it is usually a couple of weekends with all 5 of us, a weekend with just me and DP, and a weekend apart.

I'm starting to really dread the weekends where it is all 5 of us. They are generally good kids or at least I think they are 'normal' kids - sometimes they all play well together, sometimes they bicker, nothing that I would consider out of the ordinary. But the weekends that I am there I end up feeling bored and trapped. Sometimes I physically remove myself from DP and the kids and go to read in his/our bedroom, for a break, but generally one by one the kids will follow. The same thing in the mornings when I am trying to get showered and dressed. I suppose I am a much quieter and more private person than I thought and being around 3 kids really challenges that.

An example - the youngest (3) came home from preschool, meaning it was the 3 of us at home. I was upstairs on my ipad, she came up wanting to play, and DP then followed to take her out in the garden to play. I look outside and see her playing happily on her own, DP sat having a drink and chatting on his phone. I go downstairs to sit with him, after which he gets in the hammock and falls asleep, leaving me to play with the youngest who is quite demanding at times ("you have to play this with me now" "you have to come here and get this for me"). It's normal 3-year-old behaviour I think, and I should probably be grateful that she wants to spend time playing with me, but I ended up feeling trapped like I couldn't say no to her, when actually I had just wanted to sit in the sun while she/she and DP played.

It also makes me question having children of my own, either with DP or with someone else. I see the day-to-day life with kids and I get a gut feeling that it isn't for me. I always assumed that it would be, one day. But I just don't enjoy the things that I think other people enjoy - I don't particularly enjoy playing children's games, I don't enjoy sitting together and watching children's tv, I don't enjoy days out together even when they are relatively well behaved. The thought of organising a children's party fills me with dread. I do enjoy the times when they all play together nicely, because it means they are occupied and there is time to sit and breathe!

DP has always said that he never wants his limitations to limit me - that is to say, if he can't come on holiday or do a particular thing because of the kids, that I should feel free to go on my own or with someone else. In a way this is like being handed a get-out-of-jail-free card - I feel like, by being a stepmother at most, I will have more freedom to 'detach' and to do my own thing sometimes.

I don't know what I am trying to say or ask with this post - I suppose I am looking to see if anyone else has found that stepkids have challenged their ideas about children or being a parent in the future. I would like to say that, despite all of the above, I do play with the kids, do give them a lot of attention and praise. Outwardly I think I 'play the part' but inside I have a lot of emotions that I am struggling with.

You get all week (I mean weekdays) without kids, you get a weekend with your DP with no kids each month, and a weekend to yourself. If even that is a struggle, I don't know how you can contemplate a life fulltime together.

Once you live together you will be fully involved with those kids, and yes you might get time to yourself but it isn't the same sense of escape as it might be when you drive back to your own house after a weekend with kids.

Particularly if there is no mother on the scene - there will be an expectation from the kids, from your DP, from his family and those close to the kids that you are involved in their lives. That will likely mean children's parties, spending weekends doing kiddie-orientated things, going to school shows, holidays together. You talk like being a 'step' mum will give you free reign to disengage from life with the children but that will be unfair on everyone. If they spent time with their mother then perhaps that might be achievable but this is a huge responsibility which is going to land squarely with you.

It sounds like you love your DP - you must, to even be contemplating this - but love doesn't conquer all in this case I don't think. It sounds like you are living a dual life which has likely been what has kept you going for this long.

I don't think how you feel is wrong as such. I suspect you would feel differently about your own (although tbh pre-school games make my teeth itch and I have three kids of my own) but it does sound as if continuing in this relationship would mean a lot of compromises for you.

What's the deal with babysitting? If the kids are with their father full time can't you have some meals out etc with a babysitter?

I do think you have some decisions to make - if you really just live for every childfree weekend then I can't see how this relationship has a long term future. You couldn't possibly live together if even the weekends are too much.

I think you either need to get your head around living with the stepkids (never mind your own - it would be different with your own), or call it a day.