At what point do I accept that being a stepmother (or even mother) might not be for me?

[fuzzytrees]

Never in a million years did I anticipate all of the emotions and difficulties that can come with having a relationship with a man who has kids.

DP has 3 kids (all pre-school / primary-school age) and looks after them fulltime. We only see each other at weekends, so each month it is usually a couple of weekends with all 5 of us, a weekend with just me and DP, and a weekend apart.

I'm starting to really dread the weekends where it is all 5 of us. They are generally good kids or at least I think they are 'normal' kids - sometimes they all play well together, sometimes they bicker, nothing that I would consider out of the ordinary. But the weekends that I am there I end up feeling bored and trapped. Sometimes I physically remove myself from DP and the kids and go to read in his/our bedroom, for a break, but generally one by one the kids will follow. The same thing in the mornings when I am trying to get showered and dressed. I suppose I am a much quieter and more private person than I thought and being around 3 kids really challenges that.

An example - the youngest (3) came home from preschool, meaning it was the 3 of us at home. I was upstairs on my ipad, she came up wanting to play, and DP then followed to take her out in the garden to play. I look outside and see her playing happily on her own, DP sat having a drink and chatting on his phone. I go downstairs to sit with him, after which he gets in the hammock and falls asleep, leaving me to play with the youngest who is quite demanding at times ("you have to play this with me now" "you have to come here and get this for me"). It's normal 3-year-old behaviour I think, and I should probably be grateful that she wants to spend time playing with me, but I ended up feeling trapped like I couldn't say no to her, when actually I had just wanted to sit in the sun while she/she and DP played.

It also makes me question having children of my own, either with DP or with someone else. I see the day-to-day life with kids and I get a gut feeling that it isn't for me. I always assumed that it would be, one day. But I just don't enjoy the things that I think other people enjoy - I don't particularly enjoy playing children's games, I don't enjoy sitting together and watching children's tv, I don't enjoy days out together even when they are relatively well behaved. The thought of organising a children's party fills me with dread. I do enjoy the times when they all play together nicely, because it means they are occupied and there is time to sit and breathe!

DP has always said that he never wants his limitations to limit me - that is to say, if he can't come on holiday or do a particular thing because of the kids, that I should feel free to go on my own or with someone else. In a way this is like being handed a get-out-of-jail-free card - I feel like, by being a stepmother at most, I will have more freedom to 'detach' and to do my own thing sometimes.

I don't know what I am trying to say or ask with this post - I suppose I am looking to see if anyone else has found that stepkids have challenged their ideas about children or being a parent in the future. I would like to say that, despite all of the above, I do play with the kids, do give them a lot of attention and praise. Outwardly I think I 'play the part' but inside I have a lot of emotions that I am struggling with.

Firstly I understand the problem with privacy etc, I have over come this massively with my 3 dsds (the youngest lives with us) i can now get up in a dressing gown with hairy legs and no make up and have my breakfast before by shower :O

They will follow you around, you're probably still a bit of a novelty to them. I find dps kids get very attention seeking with me if dp is busy, one of them in particular, I have dsd 1 in my face if he is busy and she's 11!!!! And all through the week dsd 3 will be getting in the way while I'm cooking etc I don't mind too much, it's cos they know if daddies busy he can't multi task but alita can. luckily if I need them to back off I just sweetly say them that I'll play with them in a sec I just need to do x and they normally settle and dp will support if he listens. I get firmer with dsd 3 during the week as she's more persistent and the relationship dynamic is more like I'm her parent if that makes sense.

You will also feel different if you have you're own kids so even if this family isn't right for you (and you barely get any alone time together so I'm not sure how you're going to progress as a couple) then having your own isn't off the cards. They can be irritating but the natural love tops anything that annoys you.

Goodness, I could have written this post myself! The day to day minutae of entertaining DSD and making sure she is ok has genuinely made me question whether this is a life choice I would want for myself. I see the limits she puts on DP in terms of his finances, time and choices in life and definitely wonder if that's a responsibility I want for myself one day. And I just don't think it is. He obviously adores her and thinks having her was the best decision he ever made , but it just doesn't look like much fun to me. Obviously I know it's very different when it's your own child, but from my perspective I think I'm just too selfish to deal with the responsibility!

I'm not a step parent but I thought your post a good way of helping you reason out to yourself what you do want. I can offer a parents perspective.

I think it must be so hard to really enjoy time with - let's face it - other people's children. Especially 3 of them and especially if you're expected to look after them and not just do your own thing whilst their parent looks after them.

I love my friends children but I interact with them like you out of obligation. I do stand back and appreciate what lovely people they are and how they are coming on in life but the enjoyment I get from other people's children does not compare to the satisfaction I get from my own.

Don't rule out being a parent yourself one day but it sounds like hard work being with a man with 3 dc already. Do you really want to add to that by having even more children with him one day?

I feel like this about my own kids!

I manage because I love them intensely and have a maternal bond with them but I want to run away on my own at least once a day.

Go easy on yourself and allow yourself time and space to adjust. It's lovely that they love you .

ME! I know that I definitely don't want kids and have come to this realisation partly because of having stepkids EOW. Not that I don't enjoy seeing them and having them in our home - I do - but getting a sneak preview of parenthood without any of the responsibility has made it clear to me that it's not for me.

I'm really grateful for the realisation and am lucky that DH is happy not to have any more children.

Not sure this helps but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

The stepparenting board on here will be a big help to you, I'm sure (I have been on a while and used to be benid (didn't post v much and lost my login in the whole "heartbleed" IT error a month or so ago, so I've just reregistered).

That sounds like normal parenting - between the DC and cats I haven't had a wee in private since 2007

I feel like this about my own child too.

I think it's slightly easier with your own, because you start with one (unless you have twins of course!) and they are demanding in a very specific way, and their other demands like playing etc come along slowly and one by one and you get used to it. And of course you love them, although I feel like this doesn't make a difference (I'm not melted into a puddle by the whole "I wuv ooooo mummy" thing) it probably does on a less conscious level.

But yes, it is relentless and constant and it shocks me. I didn't realise that it would be like that. I don't know what I thought it would be like - less tedious, I think. I also had DS very young and I think before I had him I always had an idea about wanting a big busy family, but what I didn't realise until much more recently is that of course I was always seeing it from the child's perspective.

BTW, though, I definitely don't enjoy playing children's games or watching children's TV and a day out which is totally child centric - think soft play, children's farm, park etc is boring to me, I think that's quite normal. I enjoy other things, things I liked before children which are child friendly - swimming pools with slides and stuff, science type museums, walking in the woods, very specific kinds of art projects (I like them to lead to either something genuinely attractive or something useful. No toilet roll tube owls for me, thank you!) It's nice when you see them learn something, you can get some very cute moments where they interact or say funny things, I love answering questions when they are interesting questions.

I think it's fine to say to a three year old "Not right now, I'm reading my book" but of course if you want to develop a relationship with her you do have to appreciate that their way of developing relationships is through play and if you constantly say no to her she will eventually leave you alone, but she'll also stop seeing you as a person to relate to. I do personally find three and four year olds draining in terms of playing requests, they get easier as they get older to relate to more easily.

I'm not a step parent so I don't know if this is unrealistic but I wonder if you could just try to get into a different "mode" almost when the DC are there, since you don't have them all the time. I find it's very much that if you fake enjoying something, try things you think you'll hate (with a time limit e.g. "Okay I'll play four rounds of Uno but then no more") and then engineer more of the things you enjoy and put a flat no onto things that you know from experience you really do hate, you get far more out of kids. There's no law that says you have to love playdough and act like a children's entertainer all the time, they're people after all and you might find something that you can relate to them about.

Oh hang on, sorry, gah, I don't know why I didn't see the thing where you said he has them full time.

I think if you're really finding it tough then it would have to be a long term arrangement that you live apart. Of course give it time and see if it is possible to develop an attachment or find the bits you like, but long term, moving in, you would be taking on a parental role. I don't know how possible it would be to be able to take separate holidays etc if you were a full time stepmum, the kids would find it odd at the very least as they get older.

It's very full on to suddenly have to bond with and be part of the lives of three children at once and they are very much children, not cute babies/toddlers, or preteens/teens who are more independent. Like I said above, with your own children you generally get one at once and it builds up more slowly. This is almost like adopting three children which would be an unusual situation to happen all at once.

Whatever you ultimately decide to do, don't let your feelings determine whether you have your own kids or not. I think the truth is that the deep, crazy maternal love that one has for one's own sees you through the tough times, gives you patience and makes you forgive them (when they are older) for vile behaviour. If you decide kids are not for you then that's perfectly fine, but it would be a shame to let this experience shape your future.

I totally get where you're coming from. I only have one DSS, and it has been a big adjustment for me to realise what living with a kid (even EOW) really means, and what parenthood involves. The lack of me-time being the primary one.

I really struggled during the first two years, and questioned whether I could really do this stepmum thing. But now, five years later I've come out the other side and am really happy with the way things are. I've enjoyed DSS more as he has got older - he's got funnier and more interesting, and recently for the first time I have actually started to feel flashes of love and overwhelming affection towards him.

That said, if DP had had THREE kids and FULL-TIME...I'm not sure I'd have made the same choice to stay, to be honest. I can imagine how that just magnifies and intensifies all the issues and doubts.

On the subject of having children of my own, I have never truly seen myself as a mother, even before DSS was on the scene. I am 31 now and still in a phase where I am totally on the fence whether it's something I want for myself and not. I don't know if I'd cope with the constancy of it, never being able to take time off for me when I felt like I needed it...a lot of what you said, really!

The only advice I can give echoes PP. Don't decide that children aren't for you based on this experience.

I'm a step-mum, we have DSD about 60/40 in our favour. It is HARD sometimes. In all the ways you've described.

I also have a DD with my partner and it is completely different with her. I know that's probably not very PC to say on mumsnet, where you're supposed to love and worship your step-children to the detriment of everything else and 'treat them like your own'. But I love my DD in a way I never could've anticipated or imagined before I had her. She's part of me, I made her. It's a very unique bond and is incomparable to the bonds you form with other people's children.

Also, make sure that your DP isn't making you his default childcare. Does he often fall sleep and leave entertaining the kids to you? Don't let him make you rent-a-nanny by stealth.

People say "it's very different, with your own child! and I'm inclined to agree.

I was 38 when I had my first (only) child and up to that point, I could really take or leave kids. I had chosen NOT to enter several relationships with men who had kids because I wasn't convinced that I could do it. I had nieces/nephews and loved them dearly but was NOT joking when I told my future husband that I'd rather have a Labrador dog, than kids! And then, I had my son. The over-whelming love was indescribable. And it never goes away.

It could be that you're simply overwhelmed with the "three kids full time" aspect. That's a very big adjustment to make when you have none yourself. The privacy thing is impossible, with young children. My son is 13 now and he STILL wants to mooch around me all the time and I will tell him flat "I need half an hour alone, please!" Or, it could be your partner isn't the right one and that that person may be ahead of you, in your future. It's lovely that your DP says you should not miss out on anything if he can't attend, because of his kids. He sounds like a great dad. The flip side of that is that you don't have someone for YOU. Someone sharing things WITH you. That's quite a compromise, for both of you but they are HIS children and they're so little, they need to be his biggest priority.

You've some big decisions to make. I know what I'd do. Watching endless "Thomas the Tank" and playing with Playdoh drive me nuts with my own child and i know, without doubt, I'd not have the patience to do it with anyone else's. I wonder what age you and he are? I'd say, you feel this "ready-made" family is stifling you and it's time to do something else.

You know it's okay not to have children, don't you. It's not obligatory. Yes, I feel like this with my own often too, but it's only a small part of parenting.

I empathise with your post. I have 3 step children - EOW. 6,8 and 11 when I met their Dad. We had them more often when they were younger. I know I could not have coped with full time Step-mumming when they were younger and would not even have contemplated it.

After a weekend with them we would have a Monday night as a couple - a walk, a meal out or the cinema - just something where we could re-connect after a full on time.

I remember sitting there watching crap children's telly and films and hating it - I hated, and still hate, the endless negotiation about food, sleepovers and the guilt trips they would play on their Dad.

They are genuinely nice kids and their Mum is lovely - but I never factored kids into my life and certainly not someone else's. In retrospect I don't know why I'm still there or how my husband but up with my fairly regular intolerance.

If its any help at all - it gets easier. We are 9 years in (I don't have any kids) and they are teenagers with their own lives and interests, and it can be a real pleasure now when they are around - we still have the odd 'moment' obviously.

To state the obvious my husband wouldn't be the man he is if he didn't have the kids and love them - and they are always going to be there - with their own kids etc.

Things that made it easier for me: organising babysitters when they were young and making sure we did stuff as a couple still, I've opted out of cooking for them - it's husband's turn when they are with us (he finds the a la carte approach less infuriating than I do). And I got an allotment - I can escape to it as necessary.

I very nearly didn't stick with it - and looking back I'm not sure I did make the right choice sticking with it - but I made a choice. I'm not the most engaged step mum in the world but I don't beat myself up about it. I wish I'd kept up with my own interests more - husband never asked me not to but I'm just generally a bit crap with that. And that's the only advice I'd give, if you decide this is for you then keep up with your own friends and interests.

Wow - didn't expect so many replies, thank you everyone.

I suppose I am taken aback by the intensity of the feelings that I have. When DP and I first started our relationship, I asked whether he would have another child in the future - if it had been a definite no, I would have walked away, so certain was I that I would want to be a parent one day.

The difficulty is - I wish I could decipher whether my feelings are purely because they are DP's children, because there are 3 of them, because I spend my weeks living alone and then my 'down time' i.e. the weekend generally means going to DP's house and spending it entertaining 3 kids, trying to find peace and struggling to spend any quality time with DP. If that is the case, then this life isn't going to be for me - I am now so incredibly against the idea of adding another child on top of DP's 3, that if I stayed with him I know it would mean no children of my own.

But it would be such a shame to leave this man if it turns out that I never wanted children of my own anyway. Because this could be a very good compromise - children in my life, taking on some aspects of being a parent but still not being the primary caregiver, being able to work fulltime without the guilt that it seems some parents feel, being able to travel a bit.

My biggest fear is that I will start to resent the whole situation - resent having the restrictions of 3 children that are DP's, resent not having a child of my own, resent DP's responsibilities which mean I do have to do things on my own a lot of the time.

I'm mid-20's and DP is late-30's, by the way. We have been together for 2 and a half years now (somehow!). Children wouldn't be on the cards for me yet anyway, but I feel pressured into thinking of some kind of future plan. Because I don't want to lead DP down the garden path, and I don't want to waste years in a relationship that goes nowhere for such a fundamental reason.

Also I almost feel that, if I were to have a child with DP, sooner would be better than later, as they would be closer in age to DP's (and DP would be younger and fitter!) So it wouldn't be that, just as his 3 were getting older and more independent, we were suddenly restricted by a new baby again, if indeed it is the restrictions of small children that I struggle with.

I naively thought that, because I was (and still am) head over heels in love with DP, the rest would all be easy and fall into place. Wrong wrong wrong!

The gulf between your current situation (his 3 children every weekend, and FT if you ever moved in) and you having one or two of your own children five years down the road with a partner who has no other children. I mean, it's apples and oranges. I think most of us, probably including your DP, would be nervous of adding one or two more children to his 3, and doing it perhaps up to a decade from now. You are still very young and do not need to be making the decision on whether or not to have children right now.

But I see the pressure - I do know of a couple going through a divorce right now. He had three DC from a previous relationship, they met when his DC were teens, she waited another 10 years to have their son, and he is now leaving as doing young family life all over is just not on for him. It's all very sad and heartfelt and it's not anyone's fault. But I can see why you fear that scenario. (That's not to say your DP would feel the same!!)

I wouldn't worry at the moment about whether you want to have your own children - maybe yes, maybe no, and you have a good decade to think it over if you'd like. I'd focus on the situation you have now. Would you want to move in fulltime and have the care of young children be your life? Because the longer you stay, the more involved you become, the more responsibility for the children you would likely take on.

I suppose that's part of it too - the 'now' situation will remain for at least another 2 years while I finish my degree. So DP and I will be long distance for that time, and how we spend our weekends will likely stay the same. So despite my whinging above, it's actually quite tolerable - I enjoy my weekdays at work, living alone, seeing friends. Then if it's a weekend alone with DP then it's fabulous, we work incredibly well as a 2-some. If it's a weekend with all 5 of us, I feel able to detach if I want to (with varying success) and I get time with DP after the kids are in bed.

How it would be if we lived together fulltime - I just don't know. I'm not able to test out the situation - I don't get any prolonged time off from my course, and the time off that I do get tends to be when the kids are off school. So to me that isn't very representative - as the majority of our time together will be either me going to work / them to school / both. Unless I happened to take my annual leave during school holidays which would obviously be a conscious decision.

It would be horrible to carry on our long distance relationship, then move closer or move in together and realise it can't work. I wish I wasn't stuck where I am for another 2 years, because I would be willing to up sticks and try life together, just to know once and for all and without having to wait so long. Then we could both get on with our lives, be it together or separately. DP is such a lovely lovely man, he deserves a woman that will be happy with the life he can offer.

You love your DP, so this is irrelevant to you, at the moment but....that's a big age gap in terms of where the two of you are up to in your life. Him, heading toward 40 with 3 kids "in the bag" and you, mid-20's, studying, finding you're feet in life, no commitments, and if not "all the time in the world" to decide on when/if to have your own child in the future, certainly more than your partner has. I know it's different for men but having more children in his early 40's may NOT seem that attractive to him, when the time comes.

A cautionary tale here, for you OP. I had my first child at 38. DH flatly refused to have another. I have regretted it massively. We are no longer together.

I must admit I've never been a step-mother, and I only had one daughter but just a few thoughts.

I was never very good at playing games with children but I did other things. I was always good for reading her stories and chatting, we could chat for hours.

I loved taking her to dance classes and horse-riding was great fun.

And the difference between three and four is remarkable. By the time they are four the work is so much less.

You sound like you are in a good place. Your step-children are obviously very fond of you. I think you should hang in there.

Thanks everyone. This weekend was our last weekend with childcare until the end of July, so that means lots of weekends at DP's with the kids. Trying to put a positive spin on it - it means I can't bury my head in the sand, and need to enjoy these weekends with all of us for what they are, not see them as something to 'get through' until the next weekend with childcare.

I feel like quite a pathetic person at the moment - I used to be really strong and confident in relationships, but with this one I don't know which way is up half the time!

Can I ask whether the kids have any contact with their mother?

Everything - I believe the mother is deceased, unless I am confusing OP with another poster.

No, none at all. Which is why I'm really struggling with the fact that I often don't enjoy these weekends with all of us together. We can't have a life together if I'm just going through the motions, and I feel like that's what I'm doing for each of our weekends at the moment.

DP keeps saying that they will automatically see me as a mother figure - I don't know if that will be true or not, but certainly it will be a family life that I am walking into, with all that entails. I don't know how long I keep trying before I accept that I can't meet everyone's expectations.

Last weekend with child care until the end of July? Why aren't the DSC spending weekends with their mother?

Sorry cross post, I didn't realise the mother was deceased.