New to step parenting - struggling!

[StaceyWacey19790]

So After 6 months of being with and falling head over heels with my boyfriend, I finally met his children at the weekend and how i actually felt surprised me. I found it very very hard. I have 2 children, he has been around them for 5 months now, he stays over in the week and generally has his children at the weekend, therefore I hadn't seen him many weekends. So he brings them over at the weekend and I felt very shy and very self concious, like there was a lot of pressure on me. Whereas myself and him are very together (kissing cuddling etc) normally, he didn't come near me. Now I understand that to be all over eachother the first time I meet them would be unnaceptable, I really do know this. However, it made me feel really unwelcome and well, sad. This next part will make some people wonder if im horrible, I really am not I promise, but when he held his 7 year old daughter and kissed her and told her he loved her, I almost felt jealous!! Now don't get me wrong, this wasnt an angry emotion, neither do I think he shouldnt do that before anyone may jump on that comment, I was just sad that he didnt come near me. It wasnt the easy first meeting I was anticipating, it was awkward, upsetting and made me realise that this isn't going to be a bed of roses, he will never love my children as he loves his own, having my daughter sit upon his lap and tell my daughter he loves her. It was a realisation that this is a step family now. The family I had once is broken and although I love my now Fiancee, which I do, very much and i honestly thought his children were lovely, really lovely kids, this is not going to be easy at all. Can someone who has been through this tell me this will all be OK, and that things settle down and he will be himself around me when we are all together. Him not touching me was almost painful. Thank you in advance, I promise I am normally very level headed!

Your feelings are all quite normal ime!! And yes they will get better.

The ladies here who have been step parents for longer than me will be able to offer more advice but just be yourself amd don't expect miracles.

He will always love his kids more which he should. Would you expect to love his more than your own?

Good luck

I first met dsd 4 years ago at a family bbq. I was daddys friend, Pig. Couple of months down the line, we had a weekend away at the seaside with dsd, even then I think we were v chastely holding hands with a quick kiss on the lips. Although she did know I was daddys gf by then.

Remember it will take longer foryou and your fiance to be "normal" around his children, as they are there less often than your own. I would also have a think about how you will handle the inevitable jealousy from your dsc, I had a lot of "that's my daddy", and refusing to let us hold hands, preferring to be in the middle herself.

But it does get easier . Now dsd pulls this face when we kiss . Apparently kissing boys is gross

I not so fondly remember first being with dp and he was quite reluctant to show physical affection when the kids were around for a few months but now it's a brief memory and all though we're not in that all over each other stage, we act as we normally would around them (we hug, hold hands,kiss... ) obviously we don't go above what Is child friendly but we're totally normal and comfortable as a family, which is particularly important as dsd 3 now lives with us :)
You will each form different relationships with each other's kids but hopefully while you will not love them as much as your own, the relationships will become unique and important.

Be kind to yourself and remember step parenting can at times be hard, but also can be rewarding too. You will learn over time to cope with the rough as well as the smooth.

It was only the first meeting so go easy on yourself.

Everything you feel is totally normal - even the jealousy.

Take it slowly and be realistic in your expectations. You will never love each others dc the way you love your own and that is how it should be.

Your fiance was probably nervous too, which is why he held back from being affectionate with you, just make sure he knows that at some point his kids will have to see you as a girlfriend and see you and him together as a couple.
And yes, kids do come first up to a point, but there needs to be a place for you too and he should be able to balance their needs and yours as will you with your own dc.
Its a minefield isn't it!!

Youre not wrong to feel this way!
I thought after the first couple of meetings with my bf's kids that we were walking it and we would all get on perfectly all of the time blah blah.
In fairness it is good, but parenting styles differ and he is (was!!!) a bit Disney. We had some big blow ups about his eldest's tantrums (12) when she didnt get her own way for example and both his kids hang off him constantly when they are with him which I find odd, but perhaps its just as they dont see him that much.... they do 2-3 nights a week though, so it is quite often really!!
I guess Im just saying, if you love this guy then keep at it. Dont go hard on the kids ever and remember that he is the non resident parent and he will want to spend that time with him and do everything for them (I have to remind myself of this when BF is constantly putting hand in pocket for things I have to cover with maintenance - different fathers him and my ex but anyway....)
Also, the bit you said about sitting on the lap. No, it will never be like that now, but dont be sad - youre obviously happy to be without your ex so while some things wont be the same as in a "normal" family, you will gain so much more. I certainly feel that despite the odd prob we encounter, we are a bigger tougher happier family than either of the ones we left behind and it shows in our children too. All families have problems.
Good luck :)

ps Ive been with BF for 14 months. We are still all over each other but not quite at the same intensity as at 6 months so its understandable that you feel a bit funny!!

Littlegreenlight I could have written that myself, seems many of us live parallel lives, thank god we now know we're not alone and can come here for some support. OP, you're totally normal and I too mourn the fact that my children love and respect my dp (and show it) so much and he loves them, but he will always love his children (who give him hell daily and tell him he's a terrible father) more. I wish we were a nuclear family, but we are not and that's how we roll now and yes the physical affection thing is difficult. He acts differently around them to normal and unfortunately it has a negative affect on us.

I could have written that post 4 years back. I still remember the first time I met his kids acutely. It was so strange. I'd known quite a bit about them, and like you, DP had stayed over at mine quite a bit by then and knew mine well. But it was only when faced with his (all 4 of them!) I realised how much this was an existing family that I was intruding into - they had their own things they talked about, things they watched on TV, ways of doing things, and I was so much the outsider. And when you feel like that, you long for physical comfort and reassurance from your DP, but he of course needs to be aware of getting the DCs used to things gradually and not making them feel threatened, so holds back. Lots of cuddles and chats after the kids are in bed is really good.

But it does just gradually get easier. You start to get to know the kids, and they start to see you as part of their lives. Youngest DSS was 7 when I met him, and said some time a year or so ago "Daddy, where did you find purpleroses?" He could only vaguely recall that there was ever a time when I wasn't around. But we'd been together about 3 years by that stage. At first I went round to DP's when he had the kids very much as a visitor, then gradually started to spend most of the weekend round there when I didn't have my own kids, and when I did we'd meet up to do things all together, or else I'd come round with my kids for a meal and to give the kids time to play and get to know each other. It was hard for them at first to get used to seeing their parent with some other children - my DD was very jealous at first. I think those were the hardest times with the kids really - a lot of tension, caused partly by mine not having their own space. They've got on a lot better since we moved in.

We've lived together for two years now, and are about to get married. It is a hard and complicated life, and at times if I'm brutally honest I do feel a little sad not to have that nice intact family with a husband who feels the same way about my children that I do. You're right your DP probably never will love your DD the way he loves his own. Nor you his. But can get quite fond of them - I was genuinely proud of DSD recently when she plucked up courage to be more independent and catch a bus on her own for the first time. And quite touched when she recently put me as her stepmother on facebook :) And my DD has absolutely loved having older stepsisters.

But overall, it has worked for us. It's a different style of family life, but I definitely prefer it on balance to being a single parent.