Angry emotional ds (10)

[inmyshoos]

Thought here was best place to post as although im not a step parent my dh is.
Ds is 10 in a few weeks and is angry and emotional. Been to gp who thinks he may be hitting puberty. However I wonder if much is to do with family situation.

I have been apart from his dad since he was 6 mnths old. Dh has been his step dad since toddler. Ds has no memory of exh and i together. Exh has new partner and together have a dd(5) and ds(2). Ds spends eow with them. He hero worships his Dad. Would never give him cheek and generally will go along with whatever Dad says even stuff that i know would send him into a rage at home. He sleeps in the bottom bunk of their dds beds when he stays there, their dd constantly gets to sit in front in car when exh collects ds. Little things but stuff i know would have him protesting at home and yet he sucks it up with Dad. When he returns from his weekend he is vile. Awful to his sisters (i have 2 dd with dh) and also to myself and dh. Yesterday he took dds bike off her because she was not doing 'his' course but doing her own, saying it was his old bike and she was given it without his permission (he outgrew it and has a new one), he then gave dh the middle finger and came home, took a (butter) knife from the drawer and stood crying wuth a really angry face. He has never lashed out physically but still his intention is not in any way acceptable.
I just don't know what to do.

I understand he must feel frustrated and angry. I know he probably lashes out at us because he feels he can. I think probably in himself he would struggle to articulate what is making him feel this way.

He wasn't invited on holiday with exh and their family last year and although ds wouldn't say anything about that he threw a huge teary fit about the 'rubbish' holiday we were going on and how he didn't want to go but would prefer a proper holiday abroad (exh went to Turkey, we went to Peak District which ds now describes as his 'best holiday'.)

I just want ds to be happy. It turns our whole family upside down when he behaves like this. And part of me is frightened for him. He looks like he could explode. Trying to talk makes him cry and he gets all angry and won't speak.

Sorry so long. Anyone offer any advise please.

Hi OP,
Just want to let you know you're not alone. My ds will be 16 soon and has always had a dreadful temper. A bit exacerbated by me leaving his dad when ds was 3, and a stammer which has always caused him anger and turmoil. I would notice how angry he'd be after coming home from his dad (no step siblings, lovely sm) and it was best to leave him be to readjust to home again. He got good results from cranio sacral massages, about once a month, which helped ds relax, also reduced stammer.
Even now ds can tear up when angry, won't always tell me why. Could be anything from a phase of being bullied at school to feeling ill at a family gathering and wanting to leave... I will be told eventually, though, and it's mostly like you say, can't put into words what he's feeling, doesn't always know what he's feeling, except anger!
Ds got better around 12, no more tantrums. Understands his father better now as well. Thankfully really likes dh and his step siblings.
Have you ever read about love bombing? I got the book and it sounds like it would do wonders for a 10 year old. Good luck

Ps
Oliver James, love bombing

Thanks so much for your reply, will look for that book. Also never thought about cranio sacral massage but will look into that too. Thank you

No advice, but another here who has a boy with a temper. My DSS is 16 and has had issues with his temper and throwing 'tantrums' since before I have met him. They were childish before and now they are scary and more violent.
It does sound like it might be related to the relationship with his dad, at least in part. With DSS I sometimes think it is like a cup of water - always half-full with anger about his past losses, then adding in a bit here when something doesn't go his way at school, a bit more for adolescent hormones, then spilling over when DH or I calls him up on something.
I also try very hard to think of it as a two-part response - addressing both the cause (here's the place for talking about the problem, getting counseling, developing his resilience) and the behaviours (here's the palce for consequences and strategies).
Anyway. My sympathies. I hope you can get it managed before he really is an adolescent.